Anyone else feel a heavier-than-ever spiritual struggle lately?
I've been having a heck of a time recently. I keep setting goals for myself in different areas, and I feel like everything in the book is coming against me to stop it. This weekend, something dawned on me.
I've been seeing unity running rampant in the midst of the group I hang out with. Friendships are being built and strengthened, walls are coming down and people are becoming more open and honest, and understanding and patience for each others' shortcomings is increasing. This group tends to be very spiritual-minded and very faith-driven, and we have a goal - the salvation of our city/county/world through an outpouring of outrageous love. As the unity grows, we become so strong, so much more focused, and even more driven than before.
I don't think "the enemy" (as much as I hate to even use that 'Christianese' term) likes it.
I'm not the kind of person that thinks the devil is behind every corner and responsible for every bad thing that happens. I think man was given free will, and when we exercise that free will, we reap results, good and bad.
We (as humans) use chemicals and pesticides indiscriminately, so we end up with people getting cancer left and right. We ignore speeding laws and end up with tickets, or broken legs. We don't control our anger or lust, so we have murders and rapes. We get greedy, threatened, or overly religious, and we wage war on those who have what we want, or what we oppose.
These things aren't the devil's doing, and they are certainly not God's doing.. they are man's doing. And yes, God could step in every time something bad was about to happen, but that only infringes on that most beautiful of gifts, our free will.
Sorry, that was a total rabbit trail. Ok, so I don't think the devil is behind every bad thing in life. But I do believe he is real, and I do believe he is out to protect his interests, which means that when he sees a serious threat (i.e., a bunch of radical, like-minded young people out to change the world), he might be interested in trying to distract us, bring us down spiritually, mentally, and/or physically, or worse, try to divide us.
I see unity blossoming in my relationships with others, and yet I feel like I'm in some sort of repeating loop in my personal life. I feel like my personal growth is stifled.
A few examples:
I resolved to get my eating habits in check, and found myself getting so busy, not having time to make food for myself, etc. and eating worse than ever before. I found myself getting more stressed and eating comfort foods instead of healthy foods. This area is significant for me because my physical self-control tends to be directly linked to my spiritual self-control. Also, because God gave me this body for a reason, and I need to keep it healthy and take care of it. I haven't been doing that lately.
I resolved to get my personal devotional life in a more steady and regular pattern, and I found myself feeling extremely physically exhausted all the time and hitting that snooze button til the last minute, and staying so busy that I could easily justify putting devotions off til the next day.
I'm usually fairly confident in myself, and lately all I can think of is how terrible I look, how terrible I am for not having the level of self-control I want (see above) and how undeserving I am.
This is not normal for me. Confession: I didn't go to church this morning cause I felt so undeserving of even having the title of "Christian", and that it would be presumptuous for me to even set foot in the place, because I had so many spiritual failures this week. I screwed up, plain and simple.
This is unbelievable, and unacceptable. I've never, never felt like I was so undeserving of God's grace that I couldn't even set foot in a church.. no matter what I've done. In fact, I've done worse things than what I've done this week and never had a struggle like I had this morning. And yet, there it was today.
It's so completely out of character for me that this is why I honestly wonder if I can put the label "spiritual attack" on it. Also, I keep hearing about some serious and life-altering struggles others around me are dealing with, and this weekend it all just came together- maybe we are struggling because we are starting to pose a very serious threat to the darkness that wants to control our city.
I actually like this idea.. because it makes me excited to continue the way we are going.
Because I know that no matter who stands against us, God is on our side, and we need not fear failure when we are doing what He asks us to do.
Because challenges make us stronger.
I wish I knew more about the idea of "spiritual warfare".. I don't mean to throw that term around lightly, but in seeing the extremity of some of the things my peers and I are dealing with, it makes me feel like it's deeper than just a confluence of random events in our lives.
I guess what it comes down to is this.. in my heart, I believe that the enemy only has as much power as we give him. I think that he does have the power to put challenges in our way, try to influence our thinking, and distract us with temptations (not that we need his help for that), but if we are diligent about protecting our hearts and minds, we can and will overcome.
What it may come down to in my case is continuing my resolve to press forward, being more aware of any resistance I may face, spiritual or otherwise, and strengthening my own determination in completing the goals I set for myself. Not giving up.
There are more serious and pressing issues in the lives of those around me, and for them I pray for the direct impact of the hand of God in their situations.
Re-reading that last phrase gave me chills, because I am really starting to understand the power of the "direct impact of the hand of God" (chills!), and it is incredible. There is nothing and no one like our God, and He is interested in teaming up with us to impact the world in a relevant way. It's not about the numbers. It's not about who saved the most people, who is following the rules, how much money is in the offering, or which political party or denomination you belong to.
It's about love.
If we could only come to a full and true revelation of how much He loves us, we couldn't help but overflow that love into every interaction, every waking moment. We couldn't help but impact people's lives, because everyone hungers to be loved, and in an unselfish manner.
How could the world not respond to that kind of love? Hunger could be eradicated. The pandemic of AIDS in Africa could be dealt with, and brought to a stop. Clean water and simple antibiotics could be brought to the places in the world that need it, stopping hundreds of thousands of needless deaths. All if we could just learn to love outward.
I just want to scream with joy- "We can literally change the world!"
My problems are so, so small. My God is so, so big.
I don't talk about my struggles to complain. I talk about these things because I hope that some of the things I'm thinking about or handling in my own life can be of use to someone else. I hope that someone can glean something useful from my experiences, failures, and triumphs. I don't believe that difficult moments have to be wasted.. we can learn and grow from nearly everything we experience.
I love my life. I'm happier than I've ever been, and look forward with great hope, expectation, and certainty to my future. My prayer is that the unity that I see growing all around me will explode outward, away from just my small group of friends, and into the church, who are the hands and feet of Christ here on the earth.
We can't let this world down.. we hold in our hearts the hope they need.
