Love, loss, and everything in between

I love running. I love pulling up my hair, putting in my headphones and only hearing my own breath, heartbeat, and footsteps in those few silent seconds between tracks. I love the exhilaration and the freedom of sailing past ponds and streams in the park in the summer, and in splashing through puddles on the streets while the rain falls on my face in the winter.

Running is freedom. Freedom that makes my lungs ache and my heart sing.

But I find that even though I love it, when I get out of the habit for some reason, it's so difficult to get back into it. This makes me wonder how I can say I really love something when I can set it aside so easily when it proves convenient.

The beauty of love is that if it is true, it does abide and remain in us though distractions may come. Of course, love comes in many forms, and the love I feel for running is not the same as the love I feel for my family, or for a romantic partner, or for my God.

No matter where life takes me, how far or near, good, bad, desperate, abundant, melodic or dissonant, my family and my God have never forsaken me. My love for them has not diminished or dimmed, and is reciprocated. In the case of God, it is more than reciprocated...it's poured out like a flood, all over me, surrounding me in my darkest nights and brightest days alike. More than I could ever hope to be able to love Him, He loves me. No matter what I do.

It's what gets me through, and keeps a smile on my face. Even through tears. Even when I'm afraid.

I've been thinking about loss a lot today... and remembering that I have a history of finding myself in an emotional slump when something I love is taken away, or when I dwell on it. I refuse to go there anymore, so I have to change my way of looking at it.

Here's something:
I can't lose what doesn't belong to me.

Life is temporary. How can we possibly believe that we can lay permanent claim to any of it? Friends come and go. Sometimes you, or someone you love, gets sick. Lovers leave you and get married to other people. Sometimes you make minimum wage, sometimes you are rolling in cash.

Regardless. REGARDLESS. There is no end to the faithfulness of my God.

And even if I lose what does belong to me, even down to the last penny, down to the last friend, possession, free moment, or healthy day, where does that leave me?

In the same place I was when I had everything. In the hands of a mighty God.

Some people would say that's not a safe place to be... look at the world around us and the suffering we see on a daily basis. The war, poverty, natural disasters. I can't explain why some people suffer, except that people make their choices, and our choices affect everyone around us. We cause ourselves to suffer sometimes, and sometimes others cause us to suffer.

The stupidity of man does not diminish the greatness of God. But sometimes it DOES give Him opportunity to step into an impossible situation and flex his muscles.

I know that life is not always going to go the way I wish it would. There are many things I wish had turned out differently than they did. Many decisions I wish I could reverse.

But I can still smile and look forward to what lies ahead, knowing that I can handle whatever comes. Life's good like that.

Fashion Evolution

I used to have a little.. shall we say, "problem" with fashion.

I HAD NO STYLE.



Some might say that I still have that problem.



Yes, that's a tutu I'm wearing.



My "space cowgirl" shirt.



Um...


But it's okay, since I'm evolving. I'm changing. I discovered the joys of flats and Alice Temperley and pageboy caps. My hair is a normal(ish) color.

And while I'm super excited to leave that red hair and pink cowboy hat in the past, I'm even more stoked that I've left behind the girl that lived inside those crazy outfits. Not all of her, just so many of the parts that needed to go. I've held on to the core of who I am, and been able to weed out many of the negative things about my personality that I needed to let go of.

Not in my strength. In His.

For example:

Major depression.
Deep insecurity.
Fear of being alone.
Resentment and jealousy of those who were in the places in their lives that I wanted to be.
Bitterness against people who've hurt me.

So, so wiped away. There is barely a trace remaining, really. It used to be my life, my everything.. the way I defined myself. Now it's a fading memory, a person that I can hardly believe used to be me.

Replaced by:

Hope that will not fade, no matter what seems to be going on around me.
Confidence in myself and who I'm becoming, but retaining a drive to better myself, not content to stay the same.
Peace in solitude.
Genuine happiness for those in "better" places than myself, and a revelation that I can truly be content where I am while still striving forward. A realization that we are all in certain places for certain reasons, and if we were all in the same place, it would get a little bit crowded.
Forgiveness.

That last one is huge... I've held on to hurt so many times, sometimes without even realizing it, that I've poisoned my soul with it, often..

It's amazing to be free. To love, unfettered, those who've hurt me. To accept forgiveness for the things I've done to others. To breathe in peacefully, not choked by tears of frustration and hurt.

It's ok to hurt sometimes. We are human and we have emotions for a reason. But it's not ok to drag it around forever.


I just re-read something that a friend wrote about me many years ago. He said I was "meekness with attitude".

I sure hope I didn't lose that. ;)