I've felt recently like I'm standing on the edge of something. Ready to either turn back and run, or jump over the edge and see if I land on my feet, or on my head.
I've lost faith.
I've become so overwhelmed with people doing selfish, damaging things to me in the name of Christianity that I'm having trouble separating Jesus from His followers. Christians have inflicted so much damage on me, in the guise of following Christ, that all of a sudden it feels like not only do Christians not love me, but God doesn't love me.
It's a long way to fall from where I thought I was. I've never before actually doubted God's love for me because of the actions of men. My head still tells me that there is a difference, that humans do dumb things, selfish, terrible, narrow-minded things, but God is separate from all that. Just because someone claims to speak in the name of God doesn't actually mean that God endorses what they said, or did.
But after a few events last year, I just can't get over it somehow. It's like everything I did, everything I believed in, was all smoke and mirrors. All that talk of changing the world was pointless because I couldn't even change myself. How can we love others when we can't even love those closest to us? How can we see miracles or salvation or spiritual freedom if we can't even keep ourselves spiritually healthy?
Why is it that those who have the most disregard for others, who consistantly put themselves first and others last, always seem to end up with what they want, and those who try to sacrifice themselves for others get continually stepped on, and stepped over?
It's not just. It's not right. And it's not even what the Bible teaches - that "the first will be last, and the last will be first". It's more like, "the meek will be last, and the bullies will be first".
I just don't understand this, and I'm so, so weary of the fight. I don't want to battle so hard for something that has no results. I've given years of my life to this cause, trying to change people's lives for the better, and all I've ended up with is being spiritually and emotionally beaten down by people who said they cared about me. And a "spiritual high" after every pumped up concert or conference, with no evidence of anything being changed permanently, either in myself or in others. It all fell apart under the years of pressure. It didn't stand. How can I percieve it to be anything other than a facade?
I'm on the cliff. It's either give up on it all together, or find a way to overcome this bitterness that's trying to kill my soul. I'm in real danger and I don't have the solution.
I let myself become apathetic cause it's easier than facing the difficult questions and trying to find the answers. Now that I actually want to fight, I have no ammo and no will left to do it. I'm sick of being beaten down at every turn. I just want peace.
I feel like it's time to head back to square one. I can't change the past and maybe I don't even need to understand it, maybe I just need to forget it. Forget all the lights and low-end and go back to the very beginning, the simplicity of trying to learn who Jesus is and how I can best follow in His footsteps and teach others to do the same.
Remind myself of the reason I decided to follow Jesus in the first place, because of his very great love for me.
I'll never have all the answers or explanations. I don't know why things are supposed to be one way and they certainly seem like they are another way. But I've lived long enough under the guidance and shelter of a selfless teacher that I can keep walking alongside Him even when I don't understand Him.
