I had a moment today that I kinda wanted to go back to my old church. The one where all the not-so-great things happened to me and that started me on the interesting little spiritual journey I've been on this last year or so.
It kinda surprised me when I felt this feeling of relaxation come over me when I imagined myself there again, because the things that happened there were the catalyst to starting one of the most challenging times of my life. But at the same time, I knew immediately why I felt like that.
Because I could hide.
I could put the facade back on, and no one would be consistently challenging me to face my demons, so to speak, and really get the the heart of my issues. I could live with them hidden nicely under the surface and go on my merry way. I wouldn't have to deal with them all the time like I have to now.
Hiding feels safe.
And maybe it is safe, for a while. I suppose that hiding has its time and place. Like when the hillbilly zombie family comes a-knockin' at the door. But in real life (what, zombies aren't real?) it's best to face yer stuff head on. Letting things hide under the surface, for me, has created a problem like this out of my life:
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It's an upside down pyramid. It's a bit ZZT-ish. Super extra nerd points if you understood that reference.
I had a tiny foundation. I knew God and had a basic relationship with Him. I knew things about His nature and His rules but I didn't really KNOW Him. But instead of getting to know Him better and then building on that, I left it the way it was and started throwing stuff on top. Trying to do all the churchy things, conferences and music and spending all my time trying to LOOK like I was a Christ-follower without actually really following Him.
Not that I actively tried to look a certain way. I was never anything less than real and honest. I was just misinformed. I truly thought that doing the things that made one look like a spiritual person was what it was all about. It was simpler to hide behind that facade, do the things I needed to do to fit in, and not have to really deal with the questions I had. With the fact that I had questions in the first place.
I don't understand God. I don't understand how He can love us so very much. How there is so much pain in the world. How Christians can treat each other so very badly -in His Name!- and He doesn't do anything to stop it. How people can serve Him their whole lives and end up in such terrible circumstances.
So all these questions piled up, I took on more and more projects and ministries and church stuff, and I forgot about Jesus, cause I was too concerned with Jesus activities. So ironic. I read my Bible sometimes and prayed, but I didn't take the time I needed to take to really know Him at the level I should have for all the ministry I was trying to handle. I was too busy with the other stuff. I didn't talk to anyone about my lack of depth because it didn't feel acceptable. Everyone else seemed to have their stuff together. And I honestly didn't understand the scope of what was going on. I really didn't know I was drowning myself.
So I stuck it out, kept playing the games and exhausting myself, kept putting up with the emotional bullying and even kept a smile on my face most of the time. Then one event happened that pushed me over the edge, and all of a sudden I was face-to-face with the hillbilly zombie, AKA my soul. Who I really was came right to the surface and everything I had built on that tiny foundation fell right down on top of me. Crushed isn't a strong enough word for it. I was ruined. Everything I thought I had known or believed in was stripped from me.
Sounds dramatic but I'm not exaggerating it. For several months I couldn't even convince myself that God loved me. How could He, when His own people would do such terrible things to me, and I found myself defenseless and with nothing to show for all the years of work and abuse? I stood fast for the right things for years and I found myself emptyhanded, my character questioned, feeling utterly abandoned by man and God. Turns out God was still there.
I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to work on my lack of spiritual depth. I didn't want to try to reconcile all of my questions. I wanted to wallow and rest and I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired of fighting against all of the "sacred cows" the church has protected all these years when no one seemed interested in changing. Of trying to start a new thing, a love revolution. Of spending all of my time trying to help people understand that God was about love, not condemnation.
Then here I was, finding myself doubting if God ever loved me at all.
It was too much to bear. I let it all slip away. I basically just said, screw it, if this is what I get for all these years of work then I don't even know if I want this. The church can have its little rules and regulations and try to scare people into religion, good luck with that. Who in this world needs more fear and stress? People need to know love. Real love that sacrifices for others. Instead what we've created is a monster. A church hillbilly zombie with a pretty face. That raises its hands at the right moment in worship and doesn't let other zombies know that it has a gambling problem or a sex addiction or is having an affair.
Does that sound vindictive? I don't mean it to be but I'm very passionate and still pretty raw about the subject.
I DON'T WANT A PRETTY FACE. I'd rather you see me for the ugly I have inside than to ever think I've got it all together because the outside is all Maybellined. Yes, that's a word. Cause I just made it one.
What WAS the point of this blog, anyway? I got all off track. Oh yea, the facade. I'm no longer willing to let myself go to some point in life where I'll feel comfortable leaving my issues unaddressed. Where I can sit on the comfortable pew, hide and go with the flow and skate along in life. It leaves me unsatisfied and empty.
I'm not back to 100%. I'll tell you that right now. I still can't convince myself that I ever want to go back to what I had those past few years, and I'm still very gun-shy when it comes to ministry. It's an open wound. Every time a Christian does something selfish or fake I feel myself retreat. I want nothing to do with it. I'm not super healthy spiritually. I want to get better but I have to do it the right way. I need to start from the ground up every day, it seems.
Ground up, got it. Kinda like the hillbilly zombie. But with less brain-eating.
