Once upon a time there were some holiday parties. People were drinking alcohol. Some of these people were leaders in a particular church. No judgement here, just saying it as it was.
These parties and drinking ended up getting some people removed from that church. I wasn't really clear on the thinking behind that whole situation, but it happened. Ok.
I was at those parties. I wasn't drinking.. in fact, I was the only one saying it might not be a good idea, thinking that as leaders we might set a better example. At least I was the only one I know of that said anything, I felt like the odd man out for sure. Oh well.
The next month we all sat down and decided it was a bad idea to have drinking at these events and decided to change things. Lesson learned, change it and move on. Got it.
The point of this little history lesson is that I realized recently that there may have been a little injustice here reagrding those parties. More history.
Shortly after these parties, I was asked to become the worship leader at this church. I ran the music department, such as it was, prepared songs for each service, the usual. I had a really hard time with the existing team. A few of them were openly hostile, a few were hostile behind my back and tried their best to get rid of me. No one really likes change, especially in a church. But I stuck with it, because the church leadership told me they believed in me, that I brought the new ideas and new spirit that the church needed.
It might have been one of the hardest situations of my life. Knowing that people wanted me out, they didn't want to change, they wanted things to stay the same stale old way they always had been. It's easy to do, really. Human nature would have us stay where it's comfortable. But nevertheless it wasn't easy to deal with. The only thing that made it bearable was that I had the leadership standing behind me.
Or so I thought.
One day right as my practice was about to start and the band members were coming in, two of the church leaders sat me down and asked about the parties I mentioned. They just asked if they had occurred, which I said that they did. Then they mentioned that I had posted on Facebook that I had a beer with lunch one day, which I did confirm. They asked me to step down from leadership because though they didn't feel like it was a problem to have had a beer with lunch, they just didn't want me telling anyone about it.
Hmmm.
I was shellshocked and devastated at the time and didn't have time to process it because everyone was arriving for practce. I just walked out as I was asked to do and sat in my car crying. It was only after I had a clear head again that I reliazed that they were saying that they didn't care what I did as long as no one found out about it. That I could do something that they themselves said was perfectly ok, (drinking a beer) as long as I didn't tell anyone I had. Seems to me that how they really felt was that drinking a beer was not ok. And if so, fine. Just tell me that you don't want your leadership drinking and I would have never done it again. Done and done. But instead, they asked me to step down "until it all blew over".
That was scary because apparently there was a beer-fueled storm raging somewhere that I knew nothing about.
Regardless. I stepped down as asked and after a week's worth of thought, I realized that if they really believed in me and thought I was what was needed in that church at that time, they would have stood by me. They would have seen the drinking of one beer with lunch as a ridiculous thing for others to get upset over and we could have easily talked to the people that were apparently offended.
But that's not what happened. So I decided to step away from that situation and from that church. It seemed silly to go back to that battle against the people that didn't want me there when it was more apparent that many others didn't too. And I could have dealt with that if I had the backing of the leadership. But I could see that I no longer did.
So I moved on.
This was a couple years ago. It's in the past but it still bothers me almost every day. And I think it's because of the injustice of it all. No one got to hear my story. I'm pretty sure that most people think I was drinking at those parties when I was the only one who stood up against it. I stood up against even my friends at those parties. I stood up against all those angry and ruthless people on that worship team that didn't want to change, that would say and do whatever it took to get the old ways back. And this is what I got in exchange. My dreams crushed, my reputation unjustly smeared in front of some people that I really looked up to, my faith in God demolished. They never even asked for my side of the events at those parties, never even asked if I had been drinking myslef. I'm pretty certain that people at that church think I was drinking and being rowdy at those parties, and that when I got called on it, I got angry and left.
Not so.
I left because I knew I would never be given support or grace by that church. Even in a situation where they themselves said I didn't do anything wrong, I was embarrassed in front of those I had been asked to lead, and I was asked to leave. Not easy to process or accept, even still.
The anger came later. But less at the people that did this than at God. This had been my biggest dream, to lead worship. It still is. I miss it desperately. But He handed me my dream and then let His people take it away, harshly and unjustly. God is supposed to be the defender of the weak, the enforcer of justce. Where was He when all this happened? How could He let me believe that I was someone who could change things when all this was coming down the pike, unbeknownst to me?
I don't feel that way anymore. But at the time I felt completely abandoned and couldn't see any church as more than a big bunch of liars only concerned with the way things look on the outside. Now I can see that I do indeed have a gift. That I can use my music and my talents, as meager as they are, to break spiritual chains in people. To break through the walls that would prevent them from really seeing Jesus for who He is. And while that gift sits on the back burner right now, it's not gone. It's just waiting to be opened up and used again. And I can wait til the right time for that.
And this is what happened next. Suddenly, I found myself on the outside. I found myself looking into the church (not just this one church, but "church" as all churches in general) as one who has never known God might look at it. I no longer had any need to defend its actions or explain its weirdness or try to understand why there are certain things in the Bible and the church's beliefs that can't be explained. I, who had grown up in the church, and always, always, followed the rules, found myself adrift. I felt like there was no point in even labeling myself as a Christian anymore. I did all the right things and sacrificed the vast majority of my time and devotion for my whole life, only to be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash. And my eyes were opened to see how the church can look to one who hasn't been inside its doors.
It was a gift. I didn't see it at the time, of course, but now I know. I went through this because not only was I stong enough to handle it (eventually, I did have a few pretty spectacular meltdowns those months after), but because it was going to change my perspective so I could be truly relevant to those outside the church. Because while I did want to exact change from within, my main goal was to reach those outside anyway. And I never would have, being trapped inside like I was. Unable to grow, unable to make changes, stunted and blinded by the old ways and by the oppression of people fighting aginst me all the time.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. Partly I posted it because I wanted the truth out there. Not that anyone that didn't know the truth would be reading this. They all unfriended me anyway. But I think there's a freedom in speaking it. I want to be unburdened from this injustice. It's no longer mine to carry. It's no longer mine to drag around every day and feel sad about. It's over and done, and I can see at least some of the reasons it happened. I'm gonna take with me the good and try not to let the bad taint my view of the future (easier said than done).
It is absolutely not meant as a slam on anyone involved. It's about me and the things I learned, and, well, I can't explain it without explaining it.
And I guess just to let anyone out there who has been treated unjustly that it doesn't have to break you. Even if the truth is never revealed to those people at that church, I can be whole again, and strong again. And you know what, you can too.
Here's something to think about.
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
That Jesus guy had some good stuff to say.
