Life is changing. I'm doing well at my job. I'm moving. I'm getting married. I'm still trying to fight my way back to God in spite of Christians.
Wait, I just realized that needs to be addressed. It just blurted out like that, "in spite of Christians", and I recognized, just now, I need to deal with some resentment.
Shit just got real.
This was not what I was gonna blog about.. but let's explore it, shall we?
I feel like I may be leaning on this as a cop-out. My excuse for life not going the way I wanted and a reason to not have to fight to get it back. Just blame it on others and call it good. Hang out. Stay in a rut.
This isn't about the past. This is about now. This is about the unjust way I see people treated, about the way I see others bring judged and talked down to and demeaned by Christians without even a second thought, without even the slightest consideration of the idea that they might be driving people away from Christ by their actions.
I have to then ask, is this me? Am I one of those people? Do others look at me and say "if that's what being a Christian is all about, I want nothing to do with it?"
Dear God, let it not be. Not me. Not after all the work I've done to try to create a life that shows others the love and grace of Christ. Was all that work in vain? I know I never arrived. But now I worry that I never even really started.
Someone said that exact phrase to me ("if that's what being a Christian is all about, I want nothing to do with it") about a friend of mine, because of the way my friend was treating me. I was simultaneously heartbroken and furious. How dare the friend treat me this way and besmirch the very image of the God they claimed to emulate? How could I ever undo such damage to the third party that was observing it and turning away from God? How could I ever trust the friend or the friend's claim of righteousness again?
Um, mirrors. Ever heard of them, Boechler? You hypocritical, lazy human. How dare you judge another person for messing up when you yourself have fallen so far, so fast?
I should have a gold medal for pulling a life 360. One moment - church girl, worship leader, queen bee with a guitar and a microphone. Next moment - shell-shocked, resentful, meeting random guys in random places just to feel like I'm alive and worth something. Running away from the God I had served all my life because His people bullied me and left me in the cold.
Oh, poor baby.
You know what I am? I'm too freaking judgmental. And it stresses me out. Probably because it's not my place; it's not my load to carry. I have enough to work on in myself to have the time or energy to micromanage other Christians' choices.
So why do I care so damn much about other people's choices?
I'm guessing it's because of the effect they have on me. These choices leave me all alone. They make me feel inferior. They prevent me, or at least create constant barricades, from me doing the things that I love and feel passion for in my life.
But again, not my place to worry about.
I've always been stronger when I'm alone.
No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (Thanks, Eleanor)
No one can prevent me from reaching the goals I've set, without my permission. Especially when those goals and dreams are in line with the things God has called me to do. He gave me that passion and that dream, and He will help me fulfill it. He won't make people's decisions for them, but people can't stand in His way.
So maybe I need to stand back and not get in His way. Stop getting all up in arms about other people making mistakes and deal with my own stuff.
And stop worrying about never reaching my goals. Start taking the steps that I can take, and take a deep breath. Smile. Love. Remember the God who loves me and who wants nothing but the best life for me.
And just go for that life.
I need to let others' decisions be just that, others'. I am responsible for me, and the things other people do, or don't do, are no excuse for me laying back and taking the easy road.
Cause the easy road may lead to the lake, but the hard road? That leads to the mountaintop.
