Cakes, Faith, And Life

I have a wedding cake due in a week.

Usually having a wedding cake on the horizon causes a mild, week-long anxiety attack for me. I don't have a large facility to do cakes in, it's just me, my humble (but most appreciated) kitchen, my small but functional stash of tools, and my deep love for all things sugary. It's stressful up to the moment the cake is on the table looking all perfect, cause the last thing I want to do is mess up someone's wedding cake. It's kind of a big day for them. And while I'm confident in my abilities, it's just me. If something goes wrong I don't have a team of decorators and a commercial kitchen to help me fix anything.

This week, I'm not worried at all. Even though life in general has been nuts and I may or may not have broken down crying at least once every 3 days, I feel calm and confident about this week and this cake. I don't know what changed, but I'm actually looking forward to it.

I love making cakes for others. It's almost become taboo for a lot of people to use sweets as comfort food, but for me, giving someone a treat to brighten their day completely makes mine. It's a simple thing, and probably most people really don't get it, but in my mind, cupcakes=nurture.

Enought about food. Speaking about life being nuts... I don't need to go into rambling details, but the last few weeks have been hard. There have been a few days where I wanted to give up all together on the challenges ahead of me, but I refuse to. I know I can make it through and the feeling of triumph I'll feel as I look back is gonna make it all worth it. But I must say how something really brightened in me when a friend took me aside and told me simply that he knew I could do it. That I am good at what I do and I'm not going to fail.

It meant a lot. I can pep talk myself over and over, but after a while it becomes less of an inspiration and more of a coping mechanism. "(monotone voice) I can do this. I can do this.".. But when someone else looks me in the eye and says I'm not gonna fail, it really bolsters my confidence. It's energizing. I CAN do this.

On a more serious note. Something my pastor said today really cut to my core. It's simple enough, but really busted through some of the defenses (excuses) I've been using lately to justify the unfamiliar journey my life has become lately. He said this - "What you believe isn't what you SAY you believe. What you believe is what you DO". Seems a little obvious, but when I heard that I instantly felt it cutting to my core. I've been living in a way that I've never lived before - letting myself think that God isn't relevant for me anymore, that I've seen too many unexplainable things and too many Christians treating each other in crappy terrible ways, to believe that I really need to devote my life to him anymore. That I can live a "good person" kind of life and that's enough. Telling myself that because I say in my heart that I'm a Christian and I talk to God occasionally I'm doing alright.

What I realized is that my actions are saying something other than what I'm claiming with my mouth. My actions say that I can handle life on my own, that I can figure out my own way from here on. That God and Christians have let me down enough, already, just let me muddle though from here without setting any expectations that are inevitably going to fall short, without trusting anyone else, human or divine.

I say I still have faith and that I believe, but my actions say that I don't.

This scared me, frankly. It still kinda does. Where exactly DO I stand in all this? I can't imagine a life in which God is completely out of the picture. It sounds bleak and desperate. But I can no longer imagine living the life I lived for the past few years - one in which church and all its functions were all I lived for.

I'm not good at balance. It's usually all or nothing for me, which doesn't often end up well. I absolutely have to find the correct balance in trusting God and doing the things He would have me do in my life, without becoming a religious automaton that can't even explain why she believes the things she does. I can't just blindly do "churchy" things and expect that I'm earning my way to a blissful eternity.

The thing is, eternity is a gift. I can't earn it regardless of what I do. It's been granted to me by a gracious Father simply because I trusted and believed in the sacrifice that was made for me to have access to that gift. Of course, I want to think that my good life and generous deeds have something to do with it, but the fact is, they don't.

The good deeds should be a symptom, a natural overflowing of a life that's filled to the brim with friendship with God. We become like those we admire, that we spend time with. We don't do good to earn God's love, we do good because His love for us is too great for us to contain, it has to spill out.

Not to say that only those that follow Christ do good in the world. There are many people doing many amazing and impactful things to better the world, and who claim to have no relationship with God, and no need for one. The difference is the limit. They can only give until they have no more human capacity to give. Christians are just funnels. We can pour out love on the world as long as we remain open to do so, and in contact with the source of love, God.

Weird. I just start typing and all these thought start pouring out. I hope they make sense and that I'm not coming across as a religious weirdo.

Cause I'm not. I'm messed up. I am the farthest thing from perfect that you can imagine. Sometimes I don't even try to be good cause I'm weary and frustrated. Cause I feel like it doesn't matter how good I am, or how much I try. I'm not trying to be depressing, just truthful. I'm human and messed up and so, so, hard on myself. A friend recently told me I have to start giving myself a little more grace and I just started bawling. I desperately want grace. I feel like nothing I do is good enough and that I'll never, never measure up. I want to feel like I'm worthy of the love that God has given me.

But I don't have to. The beauty of it all is that I never have been and I never will be worthy of His love, but He gives it anyway, unfailingly. He loves me when I'm at church singing and when I'm so angry and beaten down by life that I throw a book down on a counter and curse. He loves me when I'm giving a dollar to a homeless man and when I've completely given up.

I am who I am, and I have gone through the things I have gone through, so that I can connect with the people in my life and show them a little bit about a God who loves the unloveable. The desperate. He loves those who fear, those who put all their faith in themselves, those who've been let down by the church and walked away. Those who don't care either way, and those that hate Him.

This won't resolve overnight, this conflict within me. But I have a little more resolve today to just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Cause what do we do? We swim.

Precipice

I've felt recently like I'm standing on the edge of something. Ready to either turn back and run, or jump over the edge and see if I land on my feet, or on my head.

I've lost faith.

I've become so overwhelmed with people doing selfish, damaging things to me in the name of Christianity that I'm having trouble separating Jesus from His followers. Christians have inflicted so much damage on me, in the guise of following Christ, that all of a sudden it feels like not only do Christians not love me, but God doesn't love me.

It's a long way to fall from where I thought I was. I've never before actually doubted God's love for me because of the actions of men. My head still tells me that there is a difference, that humans do dumb things, selfish, terrible, narrow-minded things, but God is separate from all that. Just because someone claims to speak in the name of God doesn't actually mean that God endorses what they said, or did.

But after a few events last year, I just can't get over it somehow. It's like everything I did, everything I believed in, was all smoke and mirrors. All that talk of changing the world was pointless because I couldn't even change myself. How can we love others when we can't even love those closest to us? How can we see miracles or salvation or spiritual freedom if we can't even keep ourselves spiritually healthy?

Why is it that those who have the most disregard for others, who consistantly put themselves first and others last, always seem to end up with what they want, and those who try to sacrifice themselves for others get continually stepped on, and stepped over?

It's not just. It's not right. And it's not even what the Bible teaches - that "the first will be last, and the last will be first". It's more like, "the meek will be last, and the bullies will be first".

I just don't understand this, and I'm so, so weary of the fight. I don't want to battle so hard for something that has no results. I've given years of my life to this cause, trying to change people's lives for the better, and all I've ended up with is being spiritually and emotionally beaten down by people who said they cared about me. And a "spiritual high" after every pumped up concert or conference, with no evidence of anything being changed permanently, either in myself or in others. It all fell apart under the years of pressure. It didn't stand. How can I percieve it to be anything other than a facade?

I'm on the cliff. It's either give up on it all together, or find a way to overcome this bitterness that's trying to kill my soul. I'm in real danger and I don't have the solution.

I let myself become apathetic cause it's easier than facing the difficult questions and trying to find the answers. Now that I actually want to fight, I have no ammo and no will left to do it. I'm sick of being beaten down at every turn. I just want peace.

I feel like it's time to head back to square one. I can't change the past and maybe I don't even need to understand it, maybe I just need to forget it. Forget all the lights and low-end and go back to the very beginning, the simplicity of trying to learn who Jesus is and how I can best follow in His footsteps and teach others to do the same.

Remind myself of the reason I decided to follow Jesus in the first place, because of his very great love for me.

I'll never have all the answers or explanations. I don't know why things are supposed to be one way and they certainly seem like they are another way. But I've lived long enough under the guidance and shelter of a selfless teacher that I can keep walking alongside Him even when I don't understand Him.

Unexplainable.

It's funny where life takes us.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would somehow still have the same major highlights even if I had made different decisions along the way.

I got my current job, a job I really love, because I was coming out of culinary school and needed an internship, but I wonder if somehow I would have still ended up working where I am if I had never chosen to train as a pastry chef.

My mental and emotional health made a swift recovery when I chose to quit a stressful job years ago and pursue a career I'd love, but I suspect that I would have ended up finding myself peaceful and in my favored career path even if I hadn't had the courage to walk away from what was secure at the time.

I met the majority of my closest friends because I happened to choose a certain church to attend when I was a teenager, but I think it's possible we would still have ended up in each other's lives even if I had gone to the church down the road.

I've always believed that God has a hand in the directions our lives take, especially when we choose to let Him direct us. But even in the times where we decide to control our own paths, I still believe that He watches over us and often steps in to intervene when we want to make those inevitable, really bad, decisions.

Because He loves us.

But I can't explain why it is that He sometimes doesn't step in when really terrible things happen. I find myself questioning sometimes, why doesn't He do something? Why do my loved ones suffer with terrible injuries and diseases? Why do some people within my church family treat each other so badly, and then pretend they don't? If God loves us all so much, why do good people go through such bad things sometimes?

It bothers me, this apparent conflict. It bothers me when I can't explain things logically. But then I have to remind myself that faith isn't about logic. There are many things about faith that CAN be thought about and reconciled in a logical manner. Things that I see evidence of, that I see truth in, even some of the smaller things that I can accept as not making complete sense to my finite mind, and choosing to apply my faith to.

It's the larger things that I have to really struggle to get behind, when I just can't explain them. Things like I mentioned above. If God loves us like I've been told all my life, why so much suffering?

I've often attributed suffering to human selfishness, error, and greed. I do believe that so many tragic things in the world can be explained by the fact that we have free will, and when we exercise that free will and make decisions of any sort, people around us are inevitable affected, both positively and negatively. We often like to take credit for the positive and blame God for the negative, but that's not really fair now, is it?

Things like cancer and chronic pain and siblings being murdered on the street - those things I can't help but ask God why He didn't step in. Why can't He heal my mom, when the Bible says He is a healer? Why did my friend's sister die on the street at the hands of an abusive ex, leaving a baby behind, when He is supposed to be a defender of the defenseless? Why do we and our loved ones suffer from cancers and seizures and on and on and on, when we serve Him faithfully for years?

The truth is, I don't know. I may never know. But this is faith. Trusting that even if you can't see the results, the reasons behind things, you can still believe.

I'm not gonna lie and tell you that there are not some days where I don't know if I can keep trusting in a God that lets this kind of stuff happen. That I never have a doubt or a fear, that everyday is rainbows and sunshine. I'm a natural person that believes in a supernatural God, and that causes a collision of faith and logic in my life from time to time.

I guess it comes down to this: I made a choice. I do believe in God and that His nature is love. I'm not going to change or give up on a core principle of what I believe just because I can't explain everything in the manner I'd like to see it explained.

And though I've seen plenty of suffering and pain and sadness, I've seen an overwhelming amount of the opposite in my life as well, and the lives of every person I know. God has guided me through so many terrible things, made all of the pieces fall into place when I could have never done it myself, and brought so many downright amazing things into my life. He has used my life experiences, family, friends and the awareness of His love to make me into who I am now, and who I am becoming in the future.

I'm far from perfect. I make bad decisions and choices. I keep doing the same things over and over again that I know are destructive for me, yet He never gives up on me. He never ceases to remind me that in spite of everything, He still loves me for who I am, not because I've been good and holy enough to have earned His love for another month or two. He still loves to bring good things into my life. He still protects me from the things I may have never even have seen coming.

I guess I'll have to leave it at that for now. Anyone who knows me knows that I try to be as transparent as possible in my life. I don't have all the answers and often I write just to try to figure out things myself, in the hope that someone else can learn from my wanderings.

It's Christmas. 2011. Take a moment to reflect today. Think about the good things, think about the bad things, take the good from the negative situations, and move on. Love like you've never been hurt. Believe.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Love, Yo.

I am a ponderer. (Or, so I've been told.)

I think about stuff a lot. A lot. When I'm driving. When I'm doing laundry. When I'm working. Sometimes even when I'm sleeping. What can I say? I'm a multi-tasker.

The result of all this thinking is that I end up coming to some conclusions. Sometimes these thoughts are influenced by my emotions, because I am a girl. Usually I can overlook the emotion and get to the truth of things though.

I thought I'd write about some truths I find to be in existence, and at the forefront of my life, right now.

1. - I believe in love.
I'm a sucker for love (yes, I mean romantic-type love). It never works out for me but I still seek it out. I keep coming back for more. Opening myself up to love others has the most power to damage me out of anything else in my life, yet when I think I find it, I joyfully abandon myself to it. I'm like those fish you see that just fling themselves out of the water and splash back down in it. I immerse myself. I swim. I become so devoted to love that I will keep myself in what might otherwise be an unhealthy situation just to give someone one..more...chance. And eventually they come around. But usually it's when they're with someone else. (Go ahead, give me an "awwwww".)

When it doesn't work out, I get sad, but I keep swimming around, trying not to bite any worm-baited hooks, til the next lunker comes along. Every 3 years or so. Hahaha.

No, I'm serious. I have a boyfriend every three years or so. Or, if you look at it this way... I've had like 15 "date-able" years so far... and 3 boyfriends. So I'm actually averaging 1 every 5 years! Didn't you start reading this blog just because there was an off chance that you'd get a glimpse into the patheticness (not a real word) of my love life? Well, there ya go. Drink it in. Just think, you won't have to read any love blogs from me for like 4.9 years.

Wow, I'll be getting close to 40 by then. O_O


2. - I believe in second chances.
But strangely enough, I believe in second chances for others way more than I believe in them for myself. I want to smack myself for the things I've done to mess up my life over the years. But if someone else had done the same things, I'd just want to make them a cupcake and tell them everything will work out, that I wouldn't dream of not forgiving them.
But I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I'll give people chance after chance, even if it's killing me inside, until either a.) they give up - ironically, b.) I finally give up, or c.) I run away cause I'm scared.

All of the above choices have actually happened.

Sounds a bit unhealthy, actually. But I've never claimed to have it all together. I just like to talk about my stuff and see if someone else can learn from it before they do the same thing. Or just talk about it for pure entertainment value.

No one should ever be cut off from others because of one failure. We have to learn to give each other second chances. I'm so freakin imperfect that I literally would have no one around me if everyone I love hadn't given me second chances over the years. Yes, there are people who decided not to give me a second chance, and I guess I'll never know what would have happened if they had.. I might have just ruined that chance too. But that's not for me to dwell on. Or for you to dwell on. If you've lost a friend because they wouldn't give you a second chance, you're probably better off without them anyway. Harsh. But true.

3. - I believe that love is stronger than fear.
Simply put, when we choose to love in the face of uncertainty, we prove that love is stronger than fear. Nothing is certain in life except for that on which we set our hearts. We can make the choice to not love because we are afraid, but that doesn't mean love isn't stronger. It's like facing a chihuahua with a bulldog. We all know whose little Latino face is gonna get ripped off when the rumble starts, right? But if we never let the bulldog off the leash, and the chihuahua walks away with all appendages intact, does that mean the chihuahua was stronger? Nope. No way. Love is like a bulldog, baby. It will OWN fear if you let it.

Don't be afraid to love. It's too fantastic to miss, even during its bad moments. Which leads to my last one:

4. - I believe that love is a choice.
It's not always easy to love. It's downright ridiculous sometimes. It sucks to smile and kiss the face of someone who has hurt you. It's like injustice is stabbing you with a genuine Hattori Hanzo when you choose to take the higher road and treat someone with love and respect and they are walking all over you. It's not easy to keep your focus on the person who no longer seems to cause that "spark" in you, especially when there seem to be so many other options out there.

What is easy is letting your love fade or letting yourself get distracted by all the other things out there that want your time.

Some days, we have to choose to fight for love.

And when you make the choice to love even when you don't feel like it, something in you becomes even more attached to the object of your affection than it ever was before. Sparks and passion are great, but stability, faithfulness, devotion, and really knowing someone because you've been through it all with them are way better, in my opinion.

You might say, "What is this chick talking about? She's a failure at love."

You're right, I am. But the thing is - I'm not giving up. I'll keep trying until I get it right, and when I get it right, it's gonna be fantastic.

Besides, I'm a hopeless romantic with a lot of time to think about this stuff. Let me do all the pondering for you. :)

Knights In Shining.. V-Necks.

I'm just gonna go ahead and put this out there:

There are no knights in shining armor.

Sorry, ladies, but you wouldn't want them anyway. They would be all sweaty and gross under all that metal.

There are, however, knights in v-necks. Heroes in Toms. Soldiers in skinny ties. There are real guys out there who are fighting for good, in a normal, down-to-earth-way.

Those who put on their work clothes every morning and head out, treating everyone they meet to a sweet smile and a healthy dose of grace, no matter how they treat him.

Ones who wear Clark Kent glasses but inside have the resilient heart of a superhero, that would firmly stand by, and quietly defend, those who are hurting.

Some who may themselves be suffering, but decide to overlook their pain in order to teach others how to heal.

A few who have had dark pasts, but choose to look at the beauty in the everyday, and always have an encouraging word to say to someone.

Some of them are quiet but would fight to the end if someone they loved were threatened.

Some of them are loud but inside they care more than anyone else you know, you just have to look for it.

Unassuming, but powerful. Goofy, but grounded. Talent in a plain wrapper. Peace underneath the swagger.

We are all more than we seem to be on the surface.. it's worth the time to dig deeper into those around you that you think you may know. There's probably a lot more to them than you ever realized.

What's Your Dream?

I've discovered that I like to hear about other people's dreams. Not dreams as in "what crazy stories my mind played out when I was sleeping last night", but "what I dream of doing/being/seeing in my life."

Sometimes I forget to invest in my own dreams. I haven't had much desire to dream lately because I've been a little single-minded. But usually, at any given time in my life, there is one dream that won't go away no matter what I do. It just gets stronger.

I'm pretty good at talking myself into things. I can truly convince myself of the potential in someone or something. As well as the opposite - I can make myself so afraid of trying something because of the potential to fail, that I'll be able to completely set it aside as impossible. Even if it's really not.

This can be tough because when something breaks into my understood reality and new perspective comes flooding in, I feel... lost. I can't believe the things I've convinced myself of. On the other hand this can be great because it can cause such a focus that I'll do almost anything to reach my goal.

I know what I dream of today. But the future, at least the near future, doesn't seem to have this dream in it. That's ok. I can wait if I have to. What I really want to hear about is YOUR dreams. What's on your heart to accomplish this day, this week, this year? Who do you want to be tomorrow?

Help me dream again. :)

All The Single Ladies... OK, All The Ladies.

I found this when I was browsing StumbleUpon, which every one in the world needs to check out. It's full of great random pictures, websites, blogs, and music.
Something else every one in the world needs to check out - Maroon 5's newest album. It's incredible. The quality of music and writing more than makes up for the fact the Adam Levine is so damn ugly these days. You don't think about his face or tattoos at all when listening. Really. Or his abs. Especially not those.

Ahem.

Back on subject. This was a random blog from what appeared to be Iceland.. this particular part was in English but the rest was in.. some other language. It was called "50 Things She Wishes You Knew".

I cut out a few cause they were lame or too risque. The notes in parentheses are mine. :)

Universal truths that all men should understand:

Real men drive stick shift.
I will leave if you lie.
You are cute in those two-toned baseball shirts. (amen, sista!)
I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
"Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. (Details, please.)
I smile simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
I expect you to call me.
Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. (um, Adam Levine!!!!!)
I'm scared of losing my independence.
I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. (And I'll probably continue to be, as long as you don't take advantage of it.)
Manolo Blahnik shoes are your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card.
You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm really not. See above.
Your shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it (or in my case, a Backstreet Boys CD.)
When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
The ideal man plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
You look hot in hooded clothing items. (So true. Why is that, anyway?Also thermal shirts. I melt. In a good way.)
If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
I want to be Madonna. (Or in my case, Rihanna)
I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, and holding a baby. (Truth.)
I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
Surprises = love.
I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you - and for you to recognize this.
I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't really know it yourself.
Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns you bonus points.
It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
I remember everything about our relationship.

This made me smile. Unlike Adam Levine's 5 'o clock shadow. THAT just makes me cringe.