The Journey

I've always heard phrases like " it's all about the journey, not the destination." and "take time to smell the roses.", but I've never really put them into practice.

My motto is more like " run at 110% 24/7 or until completely empty and frustrated".

I learned this past summer how to enjoy the journey.

Here's the tale.

In July, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Stage 4, very advanced, and with a very limited prognosis. I still can barely believe it. She spent a week in the hospital with family there every day, completing the diagnosis and starting treatment. There were complications along the way, and one one particularly bad day, I was very much at the end of my ability to process anything more.

I was leaving the hospital for the night. I said my goodbyes, and walked outside, where my love was waiting for me, just to spend a little time with me and to help me decompress a little. We walked around the side of the hospital and onto the beautiful walking trails that go all over the hospital campus. As I started to tell him about the day, one in which we really thought we were losing her, I completely broke down. Faced with the very near reality of losing my mom, I was wracked with guilt and fear, guilt that I hadn't spent enough time with her when I could have, and fear that she would not live to see her grandkids grow up, or to see me get married someday, or even just to have another Christmas with the family.

I lost it. I must have bawled like a baby for 20 minutes. A few people walked by, and though I'm sure it's not unusual to see a woman crying outside a hopsital, I imagine they must have wondered. I was completely wrecked.

As I calmed down a bit and we started to walk back, he gave me what may be the most simple, yet the most profound advice that anyone has given me so far in this journey with a loved one through cancer.

"You don't know how much time she has left. It could be a few months, and it could be years. The thing you need to do now is simply to spend as much time with her as possible. Make your memories. Then no matter what, if she is around a little time or a long while, you have no regrets. And no regrets about time that's already gone by. Make the most of what you have now."

That's a paraphrase of what he said to me, but it's really the soul of it. Smell the roses, in other words.  Don't live with the regret of the past. Make a more beautiful future with what you know you have now, which is just today. That's what I have for now.

So that's what I did. I did what I needed to do to make sure I spent time with her, as much as possible. Sometimes that's a quick visit, and some days we spend the whole day together, crafting or shopping or having lunch. It's been so wonderful. To have a mom as your friend when you're an adult is a very precious thing, I can talk to her about anything and she's always there to support me. I hope I've become a little of the same to her.

I'm happy to report that what was a very bleak prognosis in July has now turned into talk of remission. She was never supposed to have gone into remission. The chemo was only intended to buy as much time as possible, to make her as comfortable and as happy as possible for as long as it could.

The last CT scan she had, the doctor had to actively search for any of the tumors that had completely overtaken her liver. He finally found a tiny one and said "oh, THERE it is!"

My mind is still blown over this.

And it's funny, cause when all of this happened, I kinda figured it was the last straw. God had given up on me and on her for good. If you read my blog or you know me, you probably know that I've been having a hard time lately with understanding how it is that God loves us when terrible things like this happen. And in July, I just threw up my hands and thought "I had it right all along. We are alone in this."

And when I got the text from mom in September that her doctor told her she was in the first stages of remission, I cried yet again. I remembered that God has a hand in the lives of men, that He has not left us alone, and I realized that He would go to such great lengths to win back his one silly little wandering child, me.

Did He give my mom cancer? No. But he used what was happening with her to show both her and I that His love is very real and very present.

And that, my friend, is the journey. As we approach another Christmas, one in which my mom will participate, I have a very grateful and overwhelmed heart to welcome the season with.

Appropriate that next week is Thanksgiving.

Appropriate that through heartache, I've learned a bit about joy.

And appropriate that those grandkids get more time with their grandma. And that I get more days, and more memories, with my mom. I intend to make some very good ones.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Does anyone remember "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? I totally loved them. The books were written in first person. You read a page or two, and then you choose your next action, like "open the door" or "walk down the hallway to the left", each of which prompt you to a certain page number. Sometimes you solve the mystery, and sometimes you... die.

I used to hold my page so that if I died I could have a do-over. I'd go through the books over and over again til I had exhausted every possible ending. I think the appeal was just that - I could go back and try over if I messed up.

Not so in life.

It's funny how easy it is in life to make a decision, turn the page, and find yourself somewhere you never intended to be. Oops. Lost my place. No way to go back.

Time to turn this misstep, and all its results, into something amazing.

There is nothing that can't be redeemed.

There are gonna be consequences to our decisions, certainly. I am going to have to deal with the results of walking the path I've walked, good or bad. But there is no point that we can reach where we are beyond the reach of redemption.

I've had a hard time with this one lately. I feel like the bad decisions I've made over the last year have put me out of the reach of God and beyond His ability to use me to do good things in the world, unusable to make Him known. What I know in my heart is that this isn't true, that He can indeed use me and that others can still see Him in me through my actions, and through my life.

What my head tells me is that someone as messed up as I am would be a hypocrite of the worst sort to try to encourage others to learn more about a God who loves them. I'm still struggling with trying to believe that He loves me, some days. Deep down, I know it, but there's so much I don't understand, that I can't explain or apply logic to.

My faith and my brain want to have a war. I'm trying to draw a cease fire.

These are the things I identify myself as, many of which I've lost sight of lately:

A writer; a teller of stories and truths.
A singer of songs. One who can break down the walls in people's lives through music.
A lover of people. One who wants to take care of others, to provide hope through my actions.
A dreamer. One with lofty goals and focused vision.
A giver, of time, money, love.. I love to give to others. It makes me feel complete.
A protector.

I need to make time in my life to get these things back. I'm running myself so ragged that I can't even remember who I am some days. I'm becoming this worn out, stressed, self-focused mess that I can't stand to see. I want "me" back.

It makes me sad that people who have only met me in the last few months have only seen this spiritually struggling side of me. I want to tell them "wait, this is not who I really am, the real me was the one with the idealistic view of religion, the title of worship leader, the one involved in anything and everything church-y.".

But then I realize, whis IS who I really am. I am a girl with questions and fears, who believes in God but has lost faith in people, who wants to be loved and give love, who wants a balance of answers and mysteries, who wants to give, wants to be nurtured, wants to enjoy every step of this journey and not live in regret.

Each day is a whirlwind. It goes by so fast. I've been in this weird flux for a year now. A year. I've blogged about it, talked to friends about it, cried, laughed, said sarcastic things (I know, weird), said profound things. I'm kinda at the point where my words are just words, I need actions. I need God back in my life, I need to forgive people for how they've treated me, I need to remember that life isn't fair, at least not my perception of fair.

I'm ok with that. I'm gonna choose THIS adventure: to take the time I need to take to re-center and refocus myself on what matters. My God. My family. My friends. My self.

Ready or not, here I come.

Hi, friend.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I've decided it's time to let the past go.. I want back the peaceful and hopeful life I had a year ago, I spite of the issues I was dealing with at the time. I want my center and focus back. I want to use the gifts and talents I know I have to be able to show people the love of God. And I want to be unafraid to pursue my dreams again.

Jesus isn't religion, and I don't need religion. I just need Jesus and I need community with people who also need him. Easy enough.

I realized today that I miss Him. I've let my bitterness and anger get in the way of remembering who He really is and that he simply wants a relationship with me, to be my friend. And I want that back. I want that confidante, that one I can talk to when everything goes awry and I don't know what to do. That guidance that speaks to me in my own voice and uses my intuition to guide me.

Hi Jesus, it's me, Kim. I've been wandering but I'm ready to feel settled again. Is this seat taken?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hillbilly Zombie Soul

I had a moment today that I kinda wanted to go back to my old church. The one where all the not-so-great things happened to me and that started me on the interesting little spiritual journey I've been on this last year or so.

It kinda surprised me when I felt this feeling of relaxation come over me when I imagined myself there again, because the things that happened there were the catalyst to starting one of the most challenging times of my life. But at the same time, I knew immediately why I felt like that.

Because I could hide.

I could put the facade back on, and no one would be consistently challenging me to face my demons, so to speak, and really get the the heart of my issues. I could live with them hidden nicely under the surface and go on my merry way. I wouldn't have to deal with them all the time like I have to now.

Hiding feels safe.

And maybe it is safe, for a while. I suppose that hiding has its time and place. Like when the hillbilly zombie family comes a-knockin' at the door. But in real life (what, zombies aren't real?) it's best to face yer stuff head on. Letting things hide under the surface, for me, has created a problem like this out of my life:

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It's an upside down pyramid. It's a bit ZZT-ish. Super extra nerd points if you understood that reference.

I had a tiny foundation. I knew God and had a basic relationship with Him. I knew things about His nature and His rules but I didn't really KNOW Him. But instead of getting to know Him better and then building on that, I left it the way it was and started throwing stuff on top. Trying to do all the churchy things, conferences and music and spending all my time trying to LOOK like I was a Christ-follower without actually really following Him.

Not that I actively tried to look a certain way. I was never anything less than real and honest. I was just misinformed. I truly thought that doing the things that made one look like a spiritual person was what it was all about. It was simpler to hide behind that facade, do the things I needed to do to fit in, and not have to really deal with the questions I had. With the fact that I had questions in the first place.

I don't understand God. I don't understand how He can love us so very much. How there is so much pain in the world. How Christians can treat each other so very badly -in His Name!- and He doesn't do anything to stop it. How people can serve Him their whole lives and end up in such terrible circumstances.

So all these questions piled up, I took on more and more projects and ministries and church stuff, and I forgot about Jesus, cause I was too concerned with Jesus activities. So ironic. I read my Bible sometimes and prayed, but I didn't take the time I needed to take to really know Him at the level I should have for all the ministry I was trying to handle. I was too busy with the other stuff. I didn't talk to anyone about my lack of depth because it didn't feel acceptable. Everyone else seemed to have their stuff together. And I honestly didn't understand the scope of what was going on. I really didn't know I was drowning myself.

So I stuck it out, kept playing the games and exhausting myself, kept putting up with the emotional bullying and even kept a smile on my face most of the time. Then one event happened that pushed me over the edge, and all of a sudden I was face-to-face with the hillbilly zombie, AKA my soul. Who I really was came right to the surface and everything I had built on that tiny foundation fell right down on top of me. Crushed isn't a strong enough word for it. I was ruined. Everything I thought I had known or believed in was stripped from me.

Sounds dramatic but I'm not exaggerating it. For several months I couldn't even convince myself that God loved me. How could He, when His own people would do such terrible things to me, and I found myself defenseless and with nothing to show for all the years of work and abuse? I stood fast for the right things for years and I found myself emptyhanded, my character questioned, feeling utterly abandoned by man and God. Turns out God was still there.

I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to work on my lack of spiritual depth. I didn't want to try to reconcile all of my questions. I wanted to wallow and rest and I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired of fighting against all of the "sacred cows" the church has protected all these years when no one seemed interested in changing. Of trying to start a new thing, a love revolution. Of spending all of my time trying to help people understand that God was about love, not condemnation.

Then here I was, finding myself doubting if God ever loved me at all.

It was too much to bear. I let it all slip away. I basically just said, screw it, if this is what I get for all these years of work then I don't even know if I want this. The church can have its little rules and regulations and try to scare people into religion, good luck with that. Who in this world needs more fear and stress? People need to know love. Real love that sacrifices for others. Instead what we've created is a monster. A church hillbilly zombie with a pretty face. That raises its hands at the right moment in worship and doesn't let other zombies know that it has a gambling problem or a sex addiction or is having an affair.

Does that sound vindictive? I don't mean it to be but I'm very passionate and still pretty raw about the subject.

I DON'T WANT A PRETTY FACE. I'd rather you see me for the ugly I have inside than to ever think I've got it all together because the outside is all Maybellined. Yes, that's a word. Cause I just made it one.

What WAS the point of this blog, anyway? I got all off track. Oh yea, the facade. I'm no longer willing to let myself go to some point in life where I'll feel comfortable leaving my issues unaddressed. Where I can sit on the comfortable pew, hide and go with the flow and skate along in life. It leaves me unsatisfied and empty.

I'm not back to 100%. I'll tell you that right now. I still can't convince myself that I ever want to go back to what I had those past few years, and I'm still very gun-shy when it comes to ministry. It's an open wound. Every time a Christian does something selfish or fake I feel myself retreat. I want nothing to do with it. I'm not super healthy spiritually. I want to get better but I have to do it the right way. I need to start from the ground up every day, it seems.

Ground up, got it. Kinda like the hillbilly zombie. But with less brain-eating.

Cakes, Faith, And Life

I have a wedding cake due in a week.

Usually having a wedding cake on the horizon causes a mild, week-long anxiety attack for me. I don't have a large facility to do cakes in, it's just me, my humble (but most appreciated) kitchen, my small but functional stash of tools, and my deep love for all things sugary. It's stressful up to the moment the cake is on the table looking all perfect, cause the last thing I want to do is mess up someone's wedding cake. It's kind of a big day for them. And while I'm confident in my abilities, it's just me. If something goes wrong I don't have a team of decorators and a commercial kitchen to help me fix anything.

This week, I'm not worried at all. Even though life in general has been nuts and I may or may not have broken down crying at least once every 3 days, I feel calm and confident about this week and this cake. I don't know what changed, but I'm actually looking forward to it.

I love making cakes for others. It's almost become taboo for a lot of people to use sweets as comfort food, but for me, giving someone a treat to brighten their day completely makes mine. It's a simple thing, and probably most people really don't get it, but in my mind, cupcakes=nurture.

Enought about food. Speaking about life being nuts... I don't need to go into rambling details, but the last few weeks have been hard. There have been a few days where I wanted to give up all together on the challenges ahead of me, but I refuse to. I know I can make it through and the feeling of triumph I'll feel as I look back is gonna make it all worth it. But I must say how something really brightened in me when a friend took me aside and told me simply that he knew I could do it. That I am good at what I do and I'm not going to fail.

It meant a lot. I can pep talk myself over and over, but after a while it becomes less of an inspiration and more of a coping mechanism. "(monotone voice) I can do this. I can do this.".. But when someone else looks me in the eye and says I'm not gonna fail, it really bolsters my confidence. It's energizing. I CAN do this.

On a more serious note. Something my pastor said today really cut to my core. It's simple enough, but really busted through some of the defenses (excuses) I've been using lately to justify the unfamiliar journey my life has become lately. He said this - "What you believe isn't what you SAY you believe. What you believe is what you DO". Seems a little obvious, but when I heard that I instantly felt it cutting to my core. I've been living in a way that I've never lived before - letting myself think that God isn't relevant for me anymore, that I've seen too many unexplainable things and too many Christians treating each other in crappy terrible ways, to believe that I really need to devote my life to him anymore. That I can live a "good person" kind of life and that's enough. Telling myself that because I say in my heart that I'm a Christian and I talk to God occasionally I'm doing alright.

What I realized is that my actions are saying something other than what I'm claiming with my mouth. My actions say that I can handle life on my own, that I can figure out my own way from here on. That God and Christians have let me down enough, already, just let me muddle though from here without setting any expectations that are inevitably going to fall short, without trusting anyone else, human or divine.

I say I still have faith and that I believe, but my actions say that I don't.

This scared me, frankly. It still kinda does. Where exactly DO I stand in all this? I can't imagine a life in which God is completely out of the picture. It sounds bleak and desperate. But I can no longer imagine living the life I lived for the past few years - one in which church and all its functions were all I lived for.

I'm not good at balance. It's usually all or nothing for me, which doesn't often end up well. I absolutely have to find the correct balance in trusting God and doing the things He would have me do in my life, without becoming a religious automaton that can't even explain why she believes the things she does. I can't just blindly do "churchy" things and expect that I'm earning my way to a blissful eternity.

The thing is, eternity is a gift. I can't earn it regardless of what I do. It's been granted to me by a gracious Father simply because I trusted and believed in the sacrifice that was made for me to have access to that gift. Of course, I want to think that my good life and generous deeds have something to do with it, but the fact is, they don't.

The good deeds should be a symptom, a natural overflowing of a life that's filled to the brim with friendship with God. We become like those we admire, that we spend time with. We don't do good to earn God's love, we do good because His love for us is too great for us to contain, it has to spill out.

Not to say that only those that follow Christ do good in the world. There are many people doing many amazing and impactful things to better the world, and who claim to have no relationship with God, and no need for one. The difference is the limit. They can only give until they have no more human capacity to give. Christians are just funnels. We can pour out love on the world as long as we remain open to do so, and in contact with the source of love, God.

Weird. I just start typing and all these thought start pouring out. I hope they make sense and that I'm not coming across as a religious weirdo.

Cause I'm not. I'm messed up. I am the farthest thing from perfect that you can imagine. Sometimes I don't even try to be good cause I'm weary and frustrated. Cause I feel like it doesn't matter how good I am, or how much I try. I'm not trying to be depressing, just truthful. I'm human and messed up and so, so, hard on myself. A friend recently told me I have to start giving myself a little more grace and I just started bawling. I desperately want grace. I feel like nothing I do is good enough and that I'll never, never measure up. I want to feel like I'm worthy of the love that God has given me.

But I don't have to. The beauty of it all is that I never have been and I never will be worthy of His love, but He gives it anyway, unfailingly. He loves me when I'm at church singing and when I'm so angry and beaten down by life that I throw a book down on a counter and curse. He loves me when I'm giving a dollar to a homeless man and when I've completely given up.

I am who I am, and I have gone through the things I have gone through, so that I can connect with the people in my life and show them a little bit about a God who loves the unloveable. The desperate. He loves those who fear, those who put all their faith in themselves, those who've been let down by the church and walked away. Those who don't care either way, and those that hate Him.

This won't resolve overnight, this conflict within me. But I have a little more resolve today to just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Cause what do we do? We swim.

Precipice

I've felt recently like I'm standing on the edge of something. Ready to either turn back and run, or jump over the edge and see if I land on my feet, or on my head.

I've lost faith.

I've become so overwhelmed with people doing selfish, damaging things to me in the name of Christianity that I'm having trouble separating Jesus from His followers. Christians have inflicted so much damage on me, in the guise of following Christ, that all of a sudden it feels like not only do Christians not love me, but God doesn't love me.

It's a long way to fall from where I thought I was. I've never before actually doubted God's love for me because of the actions of men. My head still tells me that there is a difference, that humans do dumb things, selfish, terrible, narrow-minded things, but God is separate from all that. Just because someone claims to speak in the name of God doesn't actually mean that God endorses what they said, or did.

But after a few events last year, I just can't get over it somehow. It's like everything I did, everything I believed in, was all smoke and mirrors. All that talk of changing the world was pointless because I couldn't even change myself. How can we love others when we can't even love those closest to us? How can we see miracles or salvation or spiritual freedom if we can't even keep ourselves spiritually healthy?

Why is it that those who have the most disregard for others, who consistantly put themselves first and others last, always seem to end up with what they want, and those who try to sacrifice themselves for others get continually stepped on, and stepped over?

It's not just. It's not right. And it's not even what the Bible teaches - that "the first will be last, and the last will be first". It's more like, "the meek will be last, and the bullies will be first".

I just don't understand this, and I'm so, so weary of the fight. I don't want to battle so hard for something that has no results. I've given years of my life to this cause, trying to change people's lives for the better, and all I've ended up with is being spiritually and emotionally beaten down by people who said they cared about me. And a "spiritual high" after every pumped up concert or conference, with no evidence of anything being changed permanently, either in myself or in others. It all fell apart under the years of pressure. It didn't stand. How can I percieve it to be anything other than a facade?

I'm on the cliff. It's either give up on it all together, or find a way to overcome this bitterness that's trying to kill my soul. I'm in real danger and I don't have the solution.

I let myself become apathetic cause it's easier than facing the difficult questions and trying to find the answers. Now that I actually want to fight, I have no ammo and no will left to do it. I'm sick of being beaten down at every turn. I just want peace.

I feel like it's time to head back to square one. I can't change the past and maybe I don't even need to understand it, maybe I just need to forget it. Forget all the lights and low-end and go back to the very beginning, the simplicity of trying to learn who Jesus is and how I can best follow in His footsteps and teach others to do the same.

Remind myself of the reason I decided to follow Jesus in the first place, because of his very great love for me.

I'll never have all the answers or explanations. I don't know why things are supposed to be one way and they certainly seem like they are another way. But I've lived long enough under the guidance and shelter of a selfless teacher that I can keep walking alongside Him even when I don't understand Him.

Unexplainable.

It's funny where life takes us.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would somehow still have the same major highlights even if I had made different decisions along the way.

I got my current job, a job I really love, because I was coming out of culinary school and needed an internship, but I wonder if somehow I would have still ended up working where I am if I had never chosen to train as a pastry chef.

My mental and emotional health made a swift recovery when I chose to quit a stressful job years ago and pursue a career I'd love, but I suspect that I would have ended up finding myself peaceful and in my favored career path even if I hadn't had the courage to walk away from what was secure at the time.

I met the majority of my closest friends because I happened to choose a certain church to attend when I was a teenager, but I think it's possible we would still have ended up in each other's lives even if I had gone to the church down the road.

I've always believed that God has a hand in the directions our lives take, especially when we choose to let Him direct us. But even in the times where we decide to control our own paths, I still believe that He watches over us and often steps in to intervene when we want to make those inevitable, really bad, decisions.

Because He loves us.

But I can't explain why it is that He sometimes doesn't step in when really terrible things happen. I find myself questioning sometimes, why doesn't He do something? Why do my loved ones suffer with terrible injuries and diseases? Why do some people within my church family treat each other so badly, and then pretend they don't? If God loves us all so much, why do good people go through such bad things sometimes?

It bothers me, this apparent conflict. It bothers me when I can't explain things logically. But then I have to remind myself that faith isn't about logic. There are many things about faith that CAN be thought about and reconciled in a logical manner. Things that I see evidence of, that I see truth in, even some of the smaller things that I can accept as not making complete sense to my finite mind, and choosing to apply my faith to.

It's the larger things that I have to really struggle to get behind, when I just can't explain them. Things like I mentioned above. If God loves us like I've been told all my life, why so much suffering?

I've often attributed suffering to human selfishness, error, and greed. I do believe that so many tragic things in the world can be explained by the fact that we have free will, and when we exercise that free will and make decisions of any sort, people around us are inevitable affected, both positively and negatively. We often like to take credit for the positive and blame God for the negative, but that's not really fair now, is it?

Things like cancer and chronic pain and siblings being murdered on the street - those things I can't help but ask God why He didn't step in. Why can't He heal my mom, when the Bible says He is a healer? Why did my friend's sister die on the street at the hands of an abusive ex, leaving a baby behind, when He is supposed to be a defender of the defenseless? Why do we and our loved ones suffer from cancers and seizures and on and on and on, when we serve Him faithfully for years?

The truth is, I don't know. I may never know. But this is faith. Trusting that even if you can't see the results, the reasons behind things, you can still believe.

I'm not gonna lie and tell you that there are not some days where I don't know if I can keep trusting in a God that lets this kind of stuff happen. That I never have a doubt or a fear, that everyday is rainbows and sunshine. I'm a natural person that believes in a supernatural God, and that causes a collision of faith and logic in my life from time to time.

I guess it comes down to this: I made a choice. I do believe in God and that His nature is love. I'm not going to change or give up on a core principle of what I believe just because I can't explain everything in the manner I'd like to see it explained.

And though I've seen plenty of suffering and pain and sadness, I've seen an overwhelming amount of the opposite in my life as well, and the lives of every person I know. God has guided me through so many terrible things, made all of the pieces fall into place when I could have never done it myself, and brought so many downright amazing things into my life. He has used my life experiences, family, friends and the awareness of His love to make me into who I am now, and who I am becoming in the future.

I'm far from perfect. I make bad decisions and choices. I keep doing the same things over and over again that I know are destructive for me, yet He never gives up on me. He never ceases to remind me that in spite of everything, He still loves me for who I am, not because I've been good and holy enough to have earned His love for another month or two. He still loves to bring good things into my life. He still protects me from the things I may have never even have seen coming.

I guess I'll have to leave it at that for now. Anyone who knows me knows that I try to be as transparent as possible in my life. I don't have all the answers and often I write just to try to figure out things myself, in the hope that someone else can learn from my wanderings.

It's Christmas. 2011. Take a moment to reflect today. Think about the good things, think about the bad things, take the good from the negative situations, and move on. Love like you've never been hurt. Believe.

Merry Christmas, friends.