Assigned Value

Man, I wish I had a laptop. I really wanted to write this post while watching Kill Bill but my desktop is ancient and distinctly non-portable. So I wrote it all out on this old-fashioned stuff called "paper" and typed it all back in. Cause I'm cool like that.

As I was driving around today I was thinking about a situation I had a while back, where a friend told me that the way another friend was treating me was "not good enough" for the person that I am. That I had more value than letting myself be treated this way.

This happens to me every so often. I guess it means that I settle. A lot.

But I don't feel like I settle. I feel like I have to take what I can get in life. Friendships, jobs, relationships, opportunities to see my dreams come to pass... I get what I get, even if it's not always ideal, cause that's all I deserve. For being a huge advocate of women in particular understanding their value, it's pretty ironic that I can't seem to see my own.

Most of the people in my life that I sought to receive an affirmation of value from have treated me in ways that said I had little, or no, actual value to them. Not in every situation, of course, but they have done enough seriously messed up things to me that I think, in my core, I just believe that it's what I'm worth.

Being lied to. Being told I am a forerunner, a leader with a bright future, only to have my integrity questioned and subsequently thrown out of my position just because the squeakiest wheel wouldn't shut up. Being dumped for other girls. Turning my family against me in order to protect themselves. Telling me I don't have talent. Telling me I have a bad attitude. Leaving me. Verbally abusing me. Ignoring me.

Sometimes it was due to neglect. Sometimes it was selfishness, and a few times it was with the intention to hurt me, probably driven by the need to ease the ache of the pain inflicted on them. Regardless, the fact is that those I placed the greatest trust in betrayed me in the most spectacular manner possible.

Any wonder why I don't see myself as valuable?

And the things that have happened to me are small compared to what many other people go through.

Any wonder why so many people don't see themselves as valuable?

I've even started to question the depth of my value to God. I grew up as a Christian, always being told "Jesus loves me" and such phrases, many of which most of us have heard at one point or another. I never really doubted that, even in the face of terrible circumstances, because I was always able to understand that the actions of man are very often not a direct reflection of the mind of God. People do things. God is still God.

I've been in such a downward spiral lately that I've become consumed with the bad things people have done to me. And I can't stop thinking of all the terrible things I've done in my life, to others as well as just to myself. And all this spiraling and doubting makes me seriously sad. Everything I've believed in for my entire life is being questioned by my soul because people can be terrible to each other.

The thing is, I know truth when I see it. It's just been buried under such a mountain of hurt and destruction lately that I can't seem to even set eyes on it again. How do I dig out?

The first way I try to handle things is the "All Is Well" method. Basically pretending that nothing is wrong. Or having an idea that something is wrong, but ignoring it, because "Christians aren't supposed to have issues". That's bull. Pardon me, but it is. Christians are people, and people go through things. We have issues like everyone else. Just because the church in general has tried to make it seem like Christians are somehow set above everyone else doesn't make it true. So, lying to myself and saying it's all ok, when it's really not, is pretty pointless.

Sometimes I go for the "White Knight" method. I seek refuge in people, those who can "rescue" me from my emotional wreckage and help me up. Who will help me remember who I am, and what I am worth. Usually this doesn't work out. Because we are all flawed. We all make mistakes and cannot support each other 100% of the time. So when the knight I've chosen falls from his or her trusty steed and messes up, I get terrified and put up the walls. "Oh, time to start taking care of everything myself again. No need to trust anyone.. they will only let me down."

This leads to my next method... the "Self Protect/Self Destruct" method. I create a sort of emotional shell and cut myself off from those who could potentially help me, not letting people know what's really going on deep down, telling myself that I'll just get through it myself and not burden anyone else with my issues. This leads to the second half of the method - "self-destruct" - when I start to crumble and instead of turning outward for help, I go numb. Which leads to more and more self destructive behavior. Because when I'm numb, I can't hurt. And when I can't hurt, I don't feel guilt. It's safer that way. Until your bank account is empty because you're compulsively spending, and your heart is broken because you tried to fix the hurt in the arms of a man who is also damaged.

Guess which ones I've been doing lately? Ding ding ding! You got it.

I'm all busted up. I'm wrecked. Broken dreams. Broken spirit. Broken heart. My soul aches every day for the pain of lost vision and lost love. I put everything of myself into chasing a dream that was kicked out from under me because of gossip, religion, and poor communication. I gave all of myself to try to start a relationship with someone that just wasn't able to reciprocate. I'm tired of hurting and crying and pretending it's all ok.

It will all be ok eventually. I know this. There will be new opportunities for me. Of this, I have no doubt. I write this to encourage anyone who is also suffering to just persevere.

Acknowledge that you are hurt. Find the cause and address it. Don't run away from it or seek distractions that will take your mind off of it. Face it head on. Decide what of the situation was your fault, and make the decision to change your behavior. Once your mind is truly made up, your heart will follow suit.

I choose to move on from this point. Sure, it's likely I will have a few more crying jags, and the ache isn't just gonna disappear. But I make the decision, now, that I will take the good from these situations and go forth with it, and build something new in the midst of the ashes.

Make the choice to forgive. There will be no healing unless you release others. It doesn't make them right or any less guilty. It just frees your heart and mind to move on.

I choose to forgive. I release those who turned against me, intentionally or inadvertently, and I hope that they can learn from these things, as I am learning. I am as guilty as anyone else of treating people badly at one time or another, and my decision is to forgive myself as well as others for the things that went wrong.

Lastly, make a game plan. Decide what steps you need to take to heal, and do them. Seek out people who will support you as you get back on your feet. Don't freak out when they mess up and say or do something that hurts you a little. They are human too. Get counseling if you need it. Blog. Write a song. Paint a picture. Go on a 3 day wilderness hike and make yourself remember who you are (leave an itinerary, please. Don't go all 127 Hours on us). Get a hamster. Buy a Camaro, for all I care. Just don't forget that the payments will be there long after the hurt is gone. :)

I choose to lean on my friends and family right now for support. I choose to accept that they may possibly say or do something that is less than helpful to me right now, and decide now to let it go and return to them the grace that they are so generously extending to me. I choose to keep seeking out the avenues that will help me get my thoughts straight and choose to make good decisions in the healing process, so I won't have a bunch of regrets and consequences of bad decisions hanging over me when this mess is all over with.

I posted the other day that "happy is a choice". I took it down because I realized that I didn't really believe it, that there are circumstances in which we just can't be happy no matter what we "choose". What I do believe is this - "Taking steps toward happy is a choice".

So, wounded soldiers, start walking towards happy. And if you're not wounded, hold the hand of someone who is. They will appreciate it. I guarantee it. And they will likely be there to walk with you if you find yourself on the other side.