Unexplainable.

It's funny where life takes us.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would somehow still have the same major highlights even if I had made different decisions along the way.

I got my current job, a job I really love, because I was coming out of culinary school and needed an internship, but I wonder if somehow I would have still ended up working where I am if I had never chosen to train as a pastry chef.

My mental and emotional health made a swift recovery when I chose to quit a stressful job years ago and pursue a career I'd love, but I suspect that I would have ended up finding myself peaceful and in my favored career path even if I hadn't had the courage to walk away from what was secure at the time.

I met the majority of my closest friends because I happened to choose a certain church to attend when I was a teenager, but I think it's possible we would still have ended up in each other's lives even if I had gone to the church down the road.

I've always believed that God has a hand in the directions our lives take, especially when we choose to let Him direct us. But even in the times where we decide to control our own paths, I still believe that He watches over us and often steps in to intervene when we want to make those inevitable, really bad, decisions.

Because He loves us.

But I can't explain why it is that He sometimes doesn't step in when really terrible things happen. I find myself questioning sometimes, why doesn't He do something? Why do my loved ones suffer with terrible injuries and diseases? Why do some people within my church family treat each other so badly, and then pretend they don't? If God loves us all so much, why do good people go through such bad things sometimes?

It bothers me, this apparent conflict. It bothers me when I can't explain things logically. But then I have to remind myself that faith isn't about logic. There are many things about faith that CAN be thought about and reconciled in a logical manner. Things that I see evidence of, that I see truth in, even some of the smaller things that I can accept as not making complete sense to my finite mind, and choosing to apply my faith to.

It's the larger things that I have to really struggle to get behind, when I just can't explain them. Things like I mentioned above. If God loves us like I've been told all my life, why so much suffering?

I've often attributed suffering to human selfishness, error, and greed. I do believe that so many tragic things in the world can be explained by the fact that we have free will, and when we exercise that free will and make decisions of any sort, people around us are inevitable affected, both positively and negatively. We often like to take credit for the positive and blame God for the negative, but that's not really fair now, is it?

Things like cancer and chronic pain and siblings being murdered on the street - those things I can't help but ask God why He didn't step in. Why can't He heal my mom, when the Bible says He is a healer? Why did my friend's sister die on the street at the hands of an abusive ex, leaving a baby behind, when He is supposed to be a defender of the defenseless? Why do we and our loved ones suffer from cancers and seizures and on and on and on, when we serve Him faithfully for years?

The truth is, I don't know. I may never know. But this is faith. Trusting that even if you can't see the results, the reasons behind things, you can still believe.

I'm not gonna lie and tell you that there are not some days where I don't know if I can keep trusting in a God that lets this kind of stuff happen. That I never have a doubt or a fear, that everyday is rainbows and sunshine. I'm a natural person that believes in a supernatural God, and that causes a collision of faith and logic in my life from time to time.

I guess it comes down to this: I made a choice. I do believe in God and that His nature is love. I'm not going to change or give up on a core principle of what I believe just because I can't explain everything in the manner I'd like to see it explained.

And though I've seen plenty of suffering and pain and sadness, I've seen an overwhelming amount of the opposite in my life as well, and the lives of every person I know. God has guided me through so many terrible things, made all of the pieces fall into place when I could have never done it myself, and brought so many downright amazing things into my life. He has used my life experiences, family, friends and the awareness of His love to make me into who I am now, and who I am becoming in the future.

I'm far from perfect. I make bad decisions and choices. I keep doing the same things over and over again that I know are destructive for me, yet He never gives up on me. He never ceases to remind me that in spite of everything, He still loves me for who I am, not because I've been good and holy enough to have earned His love for another month or two. He still loves to bring good things into my life. He still protects me from the things I may have never even have seen coming.

I guess I'll have to leave it at that for now. Anyone who knows me knows that I try to be as transparent as possible in my life. I don't have all the answers and often I write just to try to figure out things myself, in the hope that someone else can learn from my wanderings.

It's Christmas. 2011. Take a moment to reflect today. Think about the good things, think about the bad things, take the good from the negative situations, and move on. Love like you've never been hurt. Believe.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Love, Yo.

I am a ponderer. (Or, so I've been told.)

I think about stuff a lot. A lot. When I'm driving. When I'm doing laundry. When I'm working. Sometimes even when I'm sleeping. What can I say? I'm a multi-tasker.

The result of all this thinking is that I end up coming to some conclusions. Sometimes these thoughts are influenced by my emotions, because I am a girl. Usually I can overlook the emotion and get to the truth of things though.

I thought I'd write about some truths I find to be in existence, and at the forefront of my life, right now.

1. - I believe in love.
I'm a sucker for love (yes, I mean romantic-type love). It never works out for me but I still seek it out. I keep coming back for more. Opening myself up to love others has the most power to damage me out of anything else in my life, yet when I think I find it, I joyfully abandon myself to it. I'm like those fish you see that just fling themselves out of the water and splash back down in it. I immerse myself. I swim. I become so devoted to love that I will keep myself in what might otherwise be an unhealthy situation just to give someone one..more...chance. And eventually they come around. But usually it's when they're with someone else. (Go ahead, give me an "awwwww".)

When it doesn't work out, I get sad, but I keep swimming around, trying not to bite any worm-baited hooks, til the next lunker comes along. Every 3 years or so. Hahaha.

No, I'm serious. I have a boyfriend every three years or so. Or, if you look at it this way... I've had like 15 "date-able" years so far... and 3 boyfriends. So I'm actually averaging 1 every 5 years! Didn't you start reading this blog just because there was an off chance that you'd get a glimpse into the patheticness (not a real word) of my love life? Well, there ya go. Drink it in. Just think, you won't have to read any love blogs from me for like 4.9 years.

Wow, I'll be getting close to 40 by then. O_O


2. - I believe in second chances.
But strangely enough, I believe in second chances for others way more than I believe in them for myself. I want to smack myself for the things I've done to mess up my life over the years. But if someone else had done the same things, I'd just want to make them a cupcake and tell them everything will work out, that I wouldn't dream of not forgiving them.
But I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I'll give people chance after chance, even if it's killing me inside, until either a.) they give up - ironically, b.) I finally give up, or c.) I run away cause I'm scared.

All of the above choices have actually happened.

Sounds a bit unhealthy, actually. But I've never claimed to have it all together. I just like to talk about my stuff and see if someone else can learn from it before they do the same thing. Or just talk about it for pure entertainment value.

No one should ever be cut off from others because of one failure. We have to learn to give each other second chances. I'm so freakin imperfect that I literally would have no one around me if everyone I love hadn't given me second chances over the years. Yes, there are people who decided not to give me a second chance, and I guess I'll never know what would have happened if they had.. I might have just ruined that chance too. But that's not for me to dwell on. Or for you to dwell on. If you've lost a friend because they wouldn't give you a second chance, you're probably better off without them anyway. Harsh. But true.

3. - I believe that love is stronger than fear.
Simply put, when we choose to love in the face of uncertainty, we prove that love is stronger than fear. Nothing is certain in life except for that on which we set our hearts. We can make the choice to not love because we are afraid, but that doesn't mean love isn't stronger. It's like facing a chihuahua with a bulldog. We all know whose little Latino face is gonna get ripped off when the rumble starts, right? But if we never let the bulldog off the leash, and the chihuahua walks away with all appendages intact, does that mean the chihuahua was stronger? Nope. No way. Love is like a bulldog, baby. It will OWN fear if you let it.

Don't be afraid to love. It's too fantastic to miss, even during its bad moments. Which leads to my last one:

4. - I believe that love is a choice.
It's not always easy to love. It's downright ridiculous sometimes. It sucks to smile and kiss the face of someone who has hurt you. It's like injustice is stabbing you with a genuine Hattori Hanzo when you choose to take the higher road and treat someone with love and respect and they are walking all over you. It's not easy to keep your focus on the person who no longer seems to cause that "spark" in you, especially when there seem to be so many other options out there.

What is easy is letting your love fade or letting yourself get distracted by all the other things out there that want your time.

Some days, we have to choose to fight for love.

And when you make the choice to love even when you don't feel like it, something in you becomes even more attached to the object of your affection than it ever was before. Sparks and passion are great, but stability, faithfulness, devotion, and really knowing someone because you've been through it all with them are way better, in my opinion.

You might say, "What is this chick talking about? She's a failure at love."

You're right, I am. But the thing is - I'm not giving up. I'll keep trying until I get it right, and when I get it right, it's gonna be fantastic.

Besides, I'm a hopeless romantic with a lot of time to think about this stuff. Let me do all the pondering for you. :)

Knights In Shining.. V-Necks.

I'm just gonna go ahead and put this out there:

There are no knights in shining armor.

Sorry, ladies, but you wouldn't want them anyway. They would be all sweaty and gross under all that metal.

There are, however, knights in v-necks. Heroes in Toms. Soldiers in skinny ties. There are real guys out there who are fighting for good, in a normal, down-to-earth-way.

Those who put on their work clothes every morning and head out, treating everyone they meet to a sweet smile and a healthy dose of grace, no matter how they treat him.

Ones who wear Clark Kent glasses but inside have the resilient heart of a superhero, that would firmly stand by, and quietly defend, those who are hurting.

Some who may themselves be suffering, but decide to overlook their pain in order to teach others how to heal.

A few who have had dark pasts, but choose to look at the beauty in the everyday, and always have an encouraging word to say to someone.

Some of them are quiet but would fight to the end if someone they loved were threatened.

Some of them are loud but inside they care more than anyone else you know, you just have to look for it.

Unassuming, but powerful. Goofy, but grounded. Talent in a plain wrapper. Peace underneath the swagger.

We are all more than we seem to be on the surface.. it's worth the time to dig deeper into those around you that you think you may know. There's probably a lot more to them than you ever realized.

What's Your Dream?

I've discovered that I like to hear about other people's dreams. Not dreams as in "what crazy stories my mind played out when I was sleeping last night", but "what I dream of doing/being/seeing in my life."

Sometimes I forget to invest in my own dreams. I haven't had much desire to dream lately because I've been a little single-minded. But usually, at any given time in my life, there is one dream that won't go away no matter what I do. It just gets stronger.

I'm pretty good at talking myself into things. I can truly convince myself of the potential in someone or something. As well as the opposite - I can make myself so afraid of trying something because of the potential to fail, that I'll be able to completely set it aside as impossible. Even if it's really not.

This can be tough because when something breaks into my understood reality and new perspective comes flooding in, I feel... lost. I can't believe the things I've convinced myself of. On the other hand this can be great because it can cause such a focus that I'll do almost anything to reach my goal.

I know what I dream of today. But the future, at least the near future, doesn't seem to have this dream in it. That's ok. I can wait if I have to. What I really want to hear about is YOUR dreams. What's on your heart to accomplish this day, this week, this year? Who do you want to be tomorrow?

Help me dream again. :)

All The Single Ladies... OK, All The Ladies.

I found this when I was browsing StumbleUpon, which every one in the world needs to check out. It's full of great random pictures, websites, blogs, and music.
Something else every one in the world needs to check out - Maroon 5's newest album. It's incredible. The quality of music and writing more than makes up for the fact the Adam Levine is so damn ugly these days. You don't think about his face or tattoos at all when listening. Really. Or his abs. Especially not those.

Ahem.

Back on subject. This was a random blog from what appeared to be Iceland.. this particular part was in English but the rest was in.. some other language. It was called "50 Things She Wishes You Knew".

I cut out a few cause they were lame or too risque. The notes in parentheses are mine. :)

Universal truths that all men should understand:

Real men drive stick shift.
I will leave if you lie.
You are cute in those two-toned baseball shirts. (amen, sista!)
I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
"Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. (Details, please.)
I smile simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
I expect you to call me.
Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. (um, Adam Levine!!!!!)
I'm scared of losing my independence.
I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. (And I'll probably continue to be, as long as you don't take advantage of it.)
Manolo Blahnik shoes are your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card.
You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm really not. See above.
Your shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it (or in my case, a Backstreet Boys CD.)
When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
The ideal man plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
You look hot in hooded clothing items. (So true. Why is that, anyway?Also thermal shirts. I melt. In a good way.)
If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
I want to be Madonna. (Or in my case, Rihanna)
I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, and holding a baby. (Truth.)
I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
Surprises = love.
I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you - and for you to recognize this.
I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't really know it yourself.
Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns you bonus points.
It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
I remember everything about our relationship.

This made me smile. Unlike Adam Levine's 5 'o clock shadow. THAT just makes me cringe.

Assigned Value

Man, I wish I had a laptop. I really wanted to write this post while watching Kill Bill but my desktop is ancient and distinctly non-portable. So I wrote it all out on this old-fashioned stuff called "paper" and typed it all back in. Cause I'm cool like that.

As I was driving around today I was thinking about a situation I had a while back, where a friend told me that the way another friend was treating me was "not good enough" for the person that I am. That I had more value than letting myself be treated this way.

This happens to me every so often. I guess it means that I settle. A lot.

But I don't feel like I settle. I feel like I have to take what I can get in life. Friendships, jobs, relationships, opportunities to see my dreams come to pass... I get what I get, even if it's not always ideal, cause that's all I deserve. For being a huge advocate of women in particular understanding their value, it's pretty ironic that I can't seem to see my own.

Most of the people in my life that I sought to receive an affirmation of value from have treated me in ways that said I had little, or no, actual value to them. Not in every situation, of course, but they have done enough seriously messed up things to me that I think, in my core, I just believe that it's what I'm worth.

Being lied to. Being told I am a forerunner, a leader with a bright future, only to have my integrity questioned and subsequently thrown out of my position just because the squeakiest wheel wouldn't shut up. Being dumped for other girls. Turning my family against me in order to protect themselves. Telling me I don't have talent. Telling me I have a bad attitude. Leaving me. Verbally abusing me. Ignoring me.

Sometimes it was due to neglect. Sometimes it was selfishness, and a few times it was with the intention to hurt me, probably driven by the need to ease the ache of the pain inflicted on them. Regardless, the fact is that those I placed the greatest trust in betrayed me in the most spectacular manner possible.

Any wonder why I don't see myself as valuable?

And the things that have happened to me are small compared to what many other people go through.

Any wonder why so many people don't see themselves as valuable?

I've even started to question the depth of my value to God. I grew up as a Christian, always being told "Jesus loves me" and such phrases, many of which most of us have heard at one point or another. I never really doubted that, even in the face of terrible circumstances, because I was always able to understand that the actions of man are very often not a direct reflection of the mind of God. People do things. God is still God.

I've been in such a downward spiral lately that I've become consumed with the bad things people have done to me. And I can't stop thinking of all the terrible things I've done in my life, to others as well as just to myself. And all this spiraling and doubting makes me seriously sad. Everything I've believed in for my entire life is being questioned by my soul because people can be terrible to each other.

The thing is, I know truth when I see it. It's just been buried under such a mountain of hurt and destruction lately that I can't seem to even set eyes on it again. How do I dig out?

The first way I try to handle things is the "All Is Well" method. Basically pretending that nothing is wrong. Or having an idea that something is wrong, but ignoring it, because "Christians aren't supposed to have issues". That's bull. Pardon me, but it is. Christians are people, and people go through things. We have issues like everyone else. Just because the church in general has tried to make it seem like Christians are somehow set above everyone else doesn't make it true. So, lying to myself and saying it's all ok, when it's really not, is pretty pointless.

Sometimes I go for the "White Knight" method. I seek refuge in people, those who can "rescue" me from my emotional wreckage and help me up. Who will help me remember who I am, and what I am worth. Usually this doesn't work out. Because we are all flawed. We all make mistakes and cannot support each other 100% of the time. So when the knight I've chosen falls from his or her trusty steed and messes up, I get terrified and put up the walls. "Oh, time to start taking care of everything myself again. No need to trust anyone.. they will only let me down."

This leads to my next method... the "Self Protect/Self Destruct" method. I create a sort of emotional shell and cut myself off from those who could potentially help me, not letting people know what's really going on deep down, telling myself that I'll just get through it myself and not burden anyone else with my issues. This leads to the second half of the method - "self-destruct" - when I start to crumble and instead of turning outward for help, I go numb. Which leads to more and more self destructive behavior. Because when I'm numb, I can't hurt. And when I can't hurt, I don't feel guilt. It's safer that way. Until your bank account is empty because you're compulsively spending, and your heart is broken because you tried to fix the hurt in the arms of a man who is also damaged.

Guess which ones I've been doing lately? Ding ding ding! You got it.

I'm all busted up. I'm wrecked. Broken dreams. Broken spirit. Broken heart. My soul aches every day for the pain of lost vision and lost love. I put everything of myself into chasing a dream that was kicked out from under me because of gossip, religion, and poor communication. I gave all of myself to try to start a relationship with someone that just wasn't able to reciprocate. I'm tired of hurting and crying and pretending it's all ok.

It will all be ok eventually. I know this. There will be new opportunities for me. Of this, I have no doubt. I write this to encourage anyone who is also suffering to just persevere.

Acknowledge that you are hurt. Find the cause and address it. Don't run away from it or seek distractions that will take your mind off of it. Face it head on. Decide what of the situation was your fault, and make the decision to change your behavior. Once your mind is truly made up, your heart will follow suit.

I choose to move on from this point. Sure, it's likely I will have a few more crying jags, and the ache isn't just gonna disappear. But I make the decision, now, that I will take the good from these situations and go forth with it, and build something new in the midst of the ashes.

Make the choice to forgive. There will be no healing unless you release others. It doesn't make them right or any less guilty. It just frees your heart and mind to move on.

I choose to forgive. I release those who turned against me, intentionally or inadvertently, and I hope that they can learn from these things, as I am learning. I am as guilty as anyone else of treating people badly at one time or another, and my decision is to forgive myself as well as others for the things that went wrong.

Lastly, make a game plan. Decide what steps you need to take to heal, and do them. Seek out people who will support you as you get back on your feet. Don't freak out when they mess up and say or do something that hurts you a little. They are human too. Get counseling if you need it. Blog. Write a song. Paint a picture. Go on a 3 day wilderness hike and make yourself remember who you are (leave an itinerary, please. Don't go all 127 Hours on us). Get a hamster. Buy a Camaro, for all I care. Just don't forget that the payments will be there long after the hurt is gone. :)

I choose to lean on my friends and family right now for support. I choose to accept that they may possibly say or do something that is less than helpful to me right now, and decide now to let it go and return to them the grace that they are so generously extending to me. I choose to keep seeking out the avenues that will help me get my thoughts straight and choose to make good decisions in the healing process, so I won't have a bunch of regrets and consequences of bad decisions hanging over me when this mess is all over with.

I posted the other day that "happy is a choice". I took it down because I realized that I didn't really believe it, that there are circumstances in which we just can't be happy no matter what we "choose". What I do believe is this - "Taking steps toward happy is a choice".

So, wounded soldiers, start walking towards happy. And if you're not wounded, hold the hand of someone who is. They will appreciate it. I guarantee it. And they will likely be there to walk with you if you find yourself on the other side.

Don't Quote Me On This, But...

I didn't say any of these quotes. Have fun figuring out who did. :)

"He (Bradley Cooper) IS hot. I totally have a man crush on him."

"They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink, so you don't miss anything."

"I have been bound by the shackles of love, and I don't mind if I die tied up."

"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."

"What once was hurt, what once was friction.. what left a mark no longer stings. Because grace makes beauty out of ugly things"

"I brought you flours."

"Screw you, 7-10 days!"

"I'm all about the V-neck shirts on men, but sir, there isn't anything sexy about a V-neck that comes to your bellybutton"


Hope something there made ya smile. :)