Cars - can't live with them, can't live without them.

Cars require entirely too many fluids to run.

Gas, oil, transmission fluid, water, antifreeze.. blah, blah, blah. You name it, my car needs it. And half of the time, they are leaking out on the ground anyway, so I must ask - WHAT IS THE POINT?



I think that they should make one fluid that does it all - Superfluid! This magical substance would fuel and lubricate the engine, prevent rust, makes the windows not squeak, keep everything at the temperature it should be, and also give you a general sense of euphoria while operating the vehicle.
Hmmm. This is starting to sound like a controlled substance.

This is how my ideal-pretend-world scenario plays out:

I arrive at the superfluid station, where the attendant proceeds to fill the car up. It only costs 99 cents a gallon? Excellent! He then proceeds to check the air pressure in my tires, clean my windshield, and offer me a cup of coffee. He knows that I need the air pressure checked because I am a girl.

For some reason, the attendant looks uncannily like Daniel Craig.

Finally, I pay the incredibly low bill and go on my merry way! I drive away under a rainbow and a flock of doves scatters in front of me! A kitten smiles at me from the side of the road and a baby waves hello from its stroller!


Real world scenario:

I go to the gas station and as soon as I shut off the engine I smell the burning-oil smell I've become familiar with. The attendant comes over and I ask him to fill it. With regular, not premium, cause ITS 3.50 A GALLON.

The attendant looks uncannily like Kid Rock.

He lights a cigarette (!) while my car fills and I check my own oil. I pay the bill and apologize to my bank account, then drive on my merry way. A flock of blackbirds poo all over my car! A kitten runs out in front of me and I swerve to miss it, denting my wheel on a curb! A baby cries cause its mom left it alone while she ran into the sketch mini-market!

What? I'm being over-dramatic?

Ok, maybe in reality it's a balance between the two. But seriously. It's such a stress for me to handle it all, that all a man would ever need to do to win my heart is take care of my darn car for me.

Looking like Daniel Craig wouldn't hurt either.

But where are all the pictures of the plastic spider?

More light-hearted and/or picture-laden posts soon. I promise. :)

Mizzundastood

It's dangerous to have deep conversations via text.

For someone who considers themselves fairly adept at using the written word, I certainly can't seem to make myself understood when texting. Especially about things that are very meaningful or important to me.

I like how spell check didn't recognize the word "texting" just now. It's 2010, Blogger Spell Check Robot! Get with the program!

I tried to explain (via text) a fear to a friend the other day, one that's been in my life for a while now and was "resurrected" again recently, so to speak. (The fear, not the friend. I live in a zombie-free zone.) Thought I was over it, turns out no. But in trying to do so and explain what my fear was and why I wanted to avoid putting myself in a situation where I'd have to face it again (boo for scaredycats, I know, I know..), the friend pretty much thought I was judging them for being (or wanting to be?) in the situation themselves.

The whole thing kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I feel terrible for this person thinking that I am looking down on them or avoiding them, when in reality I am just trying to deal with an issue in my life that I thought I had resolved. I feel stupid for having given in and agreeing to put myself into the situation just because I was so desperate to prove my open-mindedness to my friend. And I feel afraid for the upcoming situation.

I'm surprised at myself for having been so easily pushed around. But in looking back, I realize that when the friend started using the "I shouldn't have to choose between you and the situation" card, I caved. Done.
I had never asked, or even suggested, that they should have to choose. I was so horrified that out of our whole conversation, they only seemed to be able to glean that idea, that I just backed down.

But the whole thing made me realize that I have an issue to work out and it made me start thinking about internal/emotional damage, mine as well as others'.

It's hard to quantify internal damage.

Everything looks peachy on the outside, but inside, things are all blown to hell. An emotional IED was laid by the side of my life's road, and I certainly did not recognize it. Boom! Damage done. Now what?

Everyone has experienced their own forms of damage, inflicted by life, by circumstances, by people. The particular form of damage I just realized that I need to deal with compels me to protect myself from certain situations, and consequently, I've found that it's possible that people may think I'm judging them for being in those situations themselves.

But I was only taking a stand against something that is fearful for me at this time in my life, though in all likelihood it is perfectly safe for others.

Trust me, I have learned that judging others is no way to live. I have screwed up as much and am as deserving of judgment as anyone, probably more even so than most of my friends. So I really try to let grace direct me, as my life has been marked by grace. I really try not to judge.. I've been THAT girl before and I don't want to be her anymore.
Sometimes I hide, I keep away from situations that may remind me of the past hurts, and sometimes this means people think I'm stuck up, overly introverted, or judgmental. Ouch! I think that sometimes I try so hard to disprove this that I go too far the other direction, into "anything goes". Which does no good for anyone, really.

But anyway. Sometimes avoid situations that I know will hurt me, because it's all I know how to do. I try to act tough, but I'm no fighter. My only defense is defense.

Me hiding:




My hair is disheveled cause my fears have been dragging me down the hallway by my ankles. (Scary movie reference!! 10 points if you name it!)

This brings me to the biggest dilemma in the whole situation. I have now realized that I still drag this baggage around with me in a big way, and though I thought it was gone, it's really not. It still has the power to bring me to tears and drive me away from those who might otherwise help me.

Here I am, supposed to be living this overcoming, supernatural life, healed from all hurt past and present, and this big ol' beast pops up its head today and says "Hey, just thought I'd let you know I'm still here. And I'm gonna try to ruin all your friendships and relationships. Just wanted to remind you, see if I can get a sleeping bag and a snack or something. I'm gonna be here for a while."

Not if I have anything to say about it.

I feel like a failure or a hypocrite when my feet get all chained up in past issues. And it's easy to say something like "God will make a way" or "have faith" or whatever. I'm growing leaps and bounds in my faith, yet this very real issue taunts me.. and I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with having an unresolved issue in a life that is still very much based on their faith.

I do have faith, and I do believe that God makes paths where there are no paths. Yet platitudes do not help me, and they don't help me reach out to others who may be in a similar situation. What I need is revelation. The truth (that I AM free) needs to become a reality in my life, rather than just a statement. I need to experience freedom by walking around unfettered again and remembering what it feels like.

Faith is acting on what it is you say you believe. If you believe that there is a glass walkway in front of you , one that reaches out over the Grand Canyon, you will be able to walk out on it. It may be a little difficult at first to overcome what your mind is telling you, that you can't trust what you can't see. But if you really do believe it's there, you can take a step. And because you stepped out, your belief is confirmed.

Hey, there is a walkway!

So I will face this issue head on. Each step I take toward the unknown is a declaration that I believe what I say I believe, that there IS a God that makes all things new. I can put myself in situations where I feel afraid because I believe, I know, that I have been set free from the past and that my fears do not own me.

Sometimes life scares me, it's true. But I have to choose to not exclude myself from events that may dredge up the past, because my soul is restored and my heart is renewed.

Even if my mind tries to tell me otherwise. :)

The World Is My Runway

I'm way too obsessed with couture for a girl who lives in Springfield.

I just want to live in a city where it's ok to walk around in these on a Tuesday afternoon:



Which probably means I'm limited to Manhattan, Tokyo, Paris, or Deep Space 5.

Better yet, I'd like to set up my bakery in one of those places and wear these boots while working. Who WOULDN'T buy a chocolate mousse torte or fresh Pain Au Levain from someone who baked them wearing those? The awesomeness would almost certainly transfer to you when you ate said baked good.

What I really love about haute couture is that more often than not, it isn't overtly sexy. It's bold, unexpected, and often odd, but mostly it's like wearing a work of art. Some very creative people make those designs, and it's like whoever wears couture gets to be the canvas for the artists' expression. Or better yet, the muse.

Um, is it just me, or is Heat one of the best movies ever made? I watched The Town the other night and it totally reminded me of Heat. So I had to watch it again. Robert DeNiro is amazing, Val Kilmer is thin, and Al Pacino is his usual insane self. Pure greatness.

Heck, yes...


Um, no thanks...



So, a few months ago I went and got a haircut and some extensions. I didn't like my hair the way it was, so of course I felt compelled to go out and spend a fortune getting it all fixed up and pretty again.

Actually, I got a really good deal on it, but I'm poking fun at myself here, so let's go along with the story.

How I felt before:


How I felt after:


Note that the new hairstyle automatically takes off 15 pounds.


Brutally honest truth coming up....

I got the new hair cause I wanted to feel like I was at least kinda hot. Don't get me wrong, I don't have some delusion of myself as a hottie. I know what I am and what I'm not, but sometimes a girl just wants to at least feel sexy, you know? (Ok, any guys who may be reading this, you probably don't know. You can skip this part if you want.)

I'm so lame! I'm embarrassed that I'm so shallow sometimes... really, this is not how I am all the time. But I have a point to make and sometimes honesty is what makes the point become real to someone. So on I go.

I love the extensions.. the color is great, and it actually kinda does look like celebrity hair. And I admit, when I wear them, I feel like I am just hot sh..tuff. Hot shtuff. Yea.

But, really? Aren't I just perpetuating the ideas I hate, that beauty is on the outside and comes in only a certain form? Why was I being so shallow, and so desperate for others' attention, that I would expend so much energy to attain what I only perceived to be good attention?

I really have no problem with anyone wanting to look good, extensions, makeup, you name it. Anyone who knows me knows this. I'm the lip gloss queen. I was just disappointed in myself cause I knew the state of my mind and it was going to a place I didn't want it to go, where the volume of my hair was more important than the content of my character.

So I launched what I secretly called "operation inner beauty". I stopped wearing the extensions so much, stopped taking so much time getting ready for things, even wore track pants out of the house a few times (gasp!). I'm still working on it. But sometimes taking active steps to combat against something, even small steps, and even against something as silly as being too worried about my image, can really start a mental revolution and set you on a whole new thought track.

My point, now that I've reached the place to make it, is this: It's totally fine to look as hot as you want (um, not slutty. just hot). But remember, true beauty comes in the form of a humble spirit, a gentle and quiet personality, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Try it and see.. people won't be able to keep their eyes off of you.

And I completely believe that a gentle spirit can exist in a pair of bootcut Sevens and Balenciaga boots. It all comes back to balance.

My new goal: sweetness. That's all. I want to be known as the girl who has a sweet temperament, not the girl who has Jessica Simpson hair and a Naomi Campbell attitude to go along with it.

These shoes should fit nicely with that:

After all, matching your accessories to your personality is the new black.



Ciao, my gorgeous readers. Let your beautiful personalities light up your world.





Additions to my bucket list:

Rock some Louboutins on a Tuesday. In a fashionably appropriate city.

Conquer my fear of spiders by holding a tarantula in my hands and not freaking out. This one's gonna take some work!

Personality transplant complete. Sew her back up!

I smell like someone else's cologne.

Not that I have cologne myself, I just don't smell like the perfume I normally wear an... oh whatever. You get it.

My perfume:



Apparently I'm poisonous.

I hugged a friend this morning and now all day I keep getting whiffs of his cologne. Cologne transfer! At least it smells good and not like bear musk or whatever men wear these days. But it made me think..

I inadvertently took something from my brief encounter with him that stayed with me all day. What if I started doing that purposely with the good things I see in my friends and the people I encounter on a daily basis?

Not like personality plagarism or anything...like one of those creepy people who virtually turn into the people they spend time with or admire. It's more like...gleaning. Learning. I can totally think of a few people who have some really good characteristics, people that I want to be like.

I have a friend who just has a super sweet, caring personality, and I wish I was more like that. More sweet and less cynical.
One friend who always, always sees the best in everyone and truly loves people no matter what they do to him.
Someone who never gives up on his projects and goals.. if he wants it done, it gets done. I sometimes give up halfway through things and I hate that about myself.
And a few friends with kids, that really display their patience and selflessness time and time again, which I really admire.

Instead of Calvin Klein, I want to emanate this.. sweetness, unconditional love, patience, selflessness, perseverance.

I'm working on it.

Then there are those people who instantly bring out something in me I'd rather keep hidden.. though most of the time the person doesn't do anything at all. It's just always been there in me, waiting to show it's head like a Whack-A-Mole. Where's a mallet when I need it?

There's some people who just need a little extra attention. After a point, I find myself drawing in and away instead of reaching out to them.
A person who is always so put together and gorgeous that I instantly start critiquing myself. "Am I wearing STRIPED socks?! Is my hair brushed?! Where are my super-flat awesome abs?!?"
And worst of all, an on-and-off friend who sometimes gets too busy with other things to maintain the friendship. I really have to fight off bitterness on this kind of thing.."What, I'm not worth your time anymore? I'm not good enough, not worth your time now that you have something better?"
Dangerous, dangerous ground.
Run, Kimee, run!

Ok, and to wrap this thing up, I'd like to give a shout out to my friend Chelsey "hottest thing in kickboxing gloves" Gowins, who asked the other night if I have a bucket list. I don't, but I thought I'd start one and grace all of you with its illustrious presence here on the blog.

I just realized that Chelsey has a little competition for hottest thing in kickboxing gloves, cause no one can compete with GSP and that French accent or whatever it is. Sorry Chels. Maybe when The Ultimate Fighter is over you can have your title back.

Bucket list: (in no particular order)

Live in Italy for a month or two and learn Italian cooking from the locals.

Own (and drive) a motorcycle.

Drive a race car. (Danica Patrick is my hero.)

Host a cooking show.

Open a bakery and use the proceeds to do good stuff for the community around me.

Be the frontwoman for a rock band and thrash around the stage like Lacey Mosley.


There are alot more. But I've gotta go finish a cake for some little ones.. so I leave you with this thought.
Don't let the "scent" of negative things stay with you in your daily encounters with other humans. Take with you the constructive and good things, and don't let the bad things cling. Be the fragrance to the world that God intended you to be..

I like to think of my "scent" as sweet, yet strong, with an unexpected note of spice. :)

What's yours?

Balance, baby!

I need some really tiny tweezers cause I got something stuck in my iPod port. This does happen from time to time.. last time I took it to the Apple store and they found a crumb of muffin in there.

How they knew it was a muffin, I'm not certain. I'm sure they were right though.

Sometimes when I open the cupboard to get a bowl I am pretty sure there is a spider in the bowl waiting to run down my arm. But there never is, and this makes me happy.

What I think I'm gonna see:



What I actually see:




And all is well.

Update: I got tiny tweezers and fixed the iPod. Pwnd.

Anyway. So, I felt like I was turning into a monster last night and couldn't figure out why Beotchy McBeotch was taking up residence in my mind and using my mouth to do her nefarious bidding. So after a little introspection and a slap or two to the face, I found the answer. I've been wrapped up in work and letting everything else slide, including my attitude, my eating and sleeping habits, and my general mental health. I'm all out of balance and it's starting to show.

To sum up, I forgot the there is life outside of work and put 109.5 percent of my energy into my job, leaving approximately .5 percent for me. Yes, math geeks, I live at 110 percent all the time. Balla!

So I took the day to recover, did all the laundry, Feng Shui'd the heck out of the place, and even got some errands done. I refrained from shoe shopping or making an impromptu drive to Nordstrom (60 miles away), earning myself 2 gold stars as well as macaroni and cheese for lunch.

I know this is not a cure, though. I've got to start taking steps to keep my life from going crazy just cause I have to work a few extra hours a week.

Step 1: Bake these and give them to friends.



Making food for other people automatically makes you feel like a rock star. Don't forget to save yourself a bite of batter. Rock stars need carbs to survive.

Step 2: Put good stuff in my mind. Good stuff in, good stuff out.



Maybe the Next-To-Scariest-Movie-Ever would be ok though.


Step 3: Eat good things that give me energy, not make my body want to run a marathon one minute and die gasping on the floor the next. Bakery floors are gross.

Step 4: Talk it out, baby. Don't hold stuff in for too long. That never ends up well.

Just ask Mel Gibson.

Well, enough of this for now. And remember, too much of a good thing is still just too much.

Pretty!



Not pretty :(