Mizzundastood

It's dangerous to have deep conversations via text.

For someone who considers themselves fairly adept at using the written word, I certainly can't seem to make myself understood when texting. Especially about things that are very meaningful or important to me.

I like how spell check didn't recognize the word "texting" just now. It's 2010, Blogger Spell Check Robot! Get with the program!

I tried to explain (via text) a fear to a friend the other day, one that's been in my life for a while now and was "resurrected" again recently, so to speak. (The fear, not the friend. I live in a zombie-free zone.) Thought I was over it, turns out no. But in trying to do so and explain what my fear was and why I wanted to avoid putting myself in a situation where I'd have to face it again (boo for scaredycats, I know, I know..), the friend pretty much thought I was judging them for being (or wanting to be?) in the situation themselves.

The whole thing kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I feel terrible for this person thinking that I am looking down on them or avoiding them, when in reality I am just trying to deal with an issue in my life that I thought I had resolved. I feel stupid for having given in and agreeing to put myself into the situation just because I was so desperate to prove my open-mindedness to my friend. And I feel afraid for the upcoming situation.

I'm surprised at myself for having been so easily pushed around. But in looking back, I realize that when the friend started using the "I shouldn't have to choose between you and the situation" card, I caved. Done.
I had never asked, or even suggested, that they should have to choose. I was so horrified that out of our whole conversation, they only seemed to be able to glean that idea, that I just backed down.

But the whole thing made me realize that I have an issue to work out and it made me start thinking about internal/emotional damage, mine as well as others'.

It's hard to quantify internal damage.

Everything looks peachy on the outside, but inside, things are all blown to hell. An emotional IED was laid by the side of my life's road, and I certainly did not recognize it. Boom! Damage done. Now what?

Everyone has experienced their own forms of damage, inflicted by life, by circumstances, by people. The particular form of damage I just realized that I need to deal with compels me to protect myself from certain situations, and consequently, I've found that it's possible that people may think I'm judging them for being in those situations themselves.

But I was only taking a stand against something that is fearful for me at this time in my life, though in all likelihood it is perfectly safe for others.

Trust me, I have learned that judging others is no way to live. I have screwed up as much and am as deserving of judgment as anyone, probably more even so than most of my friends. So I really try to let grace direct me, as my life has been marked by grace. I really try not to judge.. I've been THAT girl before and I don't want to be her anymore.
Sometimes I hide, I keep away from situations that may remind me of the past hurts, and sometimes this means people think I'm stuck up, overly introverted, or judgmental. Ouch! I think that sometimes I try so hard to disprove this that I go too far the other direction, into "anything goes". Which does no good for anyone, really.

But anyway. Sometimes avoid situations that I know will hurt me, because it's all I know how to do. I try to act tough, but I'm no fighter. My only defense is defense.

Me hiding:




My hair is disheveled cause my fears have been dragging me down the hallway by my ankles. (Scary movie reference!! 10 points if you name it!)

This brings me to the biggest dilemma in the whole situation. I have now realized that I still drag this baggage around with me in a big way, and though I thought it was gone, it's really not. It still has the power to bring me to tears and drive me away from those who might otherwise help me.

Here I am, supposed to be living this overcoming, supernatural life, healed from all hurt past and present, and this big ol' beast pops up its head today and says "Hey, just thought I'd let you know I'm still here. And I'm gonna try to ruin all your friendships and relationships. Just wanted to remind you, see if I can get a sleeping bag and a snack or something. I'm gonna be here for a while."

Not if I have anything to say about it.

I feel like a failure or a hypocrite when my feet get all chained up in past issues. And it's easy to say something like "God will make a way" or "have faith" or whatever. I'm growing leaps and bounds in my faith, yet this very real issue taunts me.. and I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with having an unresolved issue in a life that is still very much based on their faith.

I do have faith, and I do believe that God makes paths where there are no paths. Yet platitudes do not help me, and they don't help me reach out to others who may be in a similar situation. What I need is revelation. The truth (that I AM free) needs to become a reality in my life, rather than just a statement. I need to experience freedom by walking around unfettered again and remembering what it feels like.

Faith is acting on what it is you say you believe. If you believe that there is a glass walkway in front of you , one that reaches out over the Grand Canyon, you will be able to walk out on it. It may be a little difficult at first to overcome what your mind is telling you, that you can't trust what you can't see. But if you really do believe it's there, you can take a step. And because you stepped out, your belief is confirmed.

Hey, there is a walkway!

So I will face this issue head on. Each step I take toward the unknown is a declaration that I believe what I say I believe, that there IS a God that makes all things new. I can put myself in situations where I feel afraid because I believe, I know, that I have been set free from the past and that my fears do not own me.

Sometimes life scares me, it's true. But I have to choose to not exclude myself from events that may dredge up the past, because my soul is restored and my heart is renewed.

Even if my mind tries to tell me otherwise. :)