Sometimes I feel like people shoot me in the foot and then become genuinely surprised when I can't run a marathon. It makes me feel so helpless.. my dreams keep getting crushed under the heel of someone else's ambition; by the actions of another, who, if confronted, would likely only deny it or justify their actions within themselves by saying that it is my fault for allowing such actions to affect me so.
It is my fault, for my actions are my responsibility alone, regardless of what may or may not be influencing me at any particular moment. But does that make it right for others to treat me badly? I think not.
I really haven't been sure how to get around it in a few situations, short of taking a completely new path, away from said situations. I just don't want to give up, to concede to failure.. but the more I've been thinking about it, the more I think that a change may be the answer in some areas. Forge a new path, away from the dream-killers and naysayers, from the ones who are not interested in investing in the dreams, and futures, of others. In other situations, battle it out.
Sometimes it's important to stand up and cause a ruckus. Sometimes it's wiser to find another path.
It blows my mind to see those within the church, particularly, sniping at each other, crushing each others' dreams. We are called to stand together and yet we keep tearing each other down, sometimes intentionally, but more likely through indifference, selfishness, or neglect.
We don't seem to realize the power we have when we unite. Sometimes it's so obvious to me, and yet I still lose sight so quickly, usually at the moment I let myself slip in my dedication to service to others. Namely, when I start to get too self-involved. These situations definitely reveal to me the things I need to work on in my character, as I often start to recognize issues in others because they are the same ones that need attention in my own life.
More and more I am experiencing the revelation that my dreams are not just gonna happen around me. Seems simple, but it's also easy to believe that I'm just gonna walk into them, that since good things have come my way in the past without any effort on my part, they will naturally continue to do so. Yes, God is a good God, and regularly drops blessing in our laps simply because He delights in being our Father, and acting like it. But there are things we have to do ourselves. Rather than waiting for "a door to open", we have to go out and start turning the doorknobs and see which ones are locked. Sometimes we have to go out and look for the keys, too.
Too much metaphor? Gotcha.
There are so many people out there who are only interested in their own good.. and will step over or on top of others to accomplish their goals. I would never, never, want to be a person who uses others in a negative way to accomplish their goals.. "using in a negative way" meaning simply that a person is damaged in some way by my actions in my quest. What I do want to use in people is their input, experiences, and advise in obtaining that on which I have set my heart.
So not only am I continuing to write out my goals and re-evaluate my progress from time to time, I am looking at each one very seriously and critically, for any evidence of abuse to others that I may have caused on my way. I know I can't change what's been done in the past, but I can try to make amends with people and make an instant and dramatic change in my methods, from this point on.
In all honesty, sometimes when I am hurt, I just long so much for an apology.. just a simple "I recognize that I've hurt you, and I'm sorry.. I won't do it again." I think this is a very human and natural longing, for reconciliation, and possibly some sort of validation. But apology doesn't always come, and in my heart I know I have to stop looking for it.
I realize that I really am alright with that.. though I do wish for it for time to time, I know it may not be forthcoming and I can have peace in knowing that I have done, and am still doing, all I can to make my footsteps right.
I truly believe that these kinds of situations are just a blaring warning sign for me not to get too close to situations where people refuse to even entertain the idea that they could be wrong, who cannot or will not truly lay their firm mindset aside and place themselves in another person's shoes.. such constant injustice batters ones resolve and is a damaging, heart-rending place to find oneself in. I'm done with putting myself in harm's way in this life for the sake of my ego, just so I can have some sort of friendship, relationship or, more likely, just someone's attention. I've done it before, and it's simply not worth it. The minimal reward in such a connection is not worth the damage.
Some days, I feel like I can identify with David when he wrote "Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity. Examine me, O Lord, and prove me, try my mind and my heart." Obviously, I am not perfect and have not walked in integrity every step of my life. Far from it. But in many areas, I have made vast, sweeping improvement, and people around me don't seem to care at all, some even treating me more abusively than ever before. Which is incredibly frustrating.
But I don't want to focus on that particular injustice. What I really want is for God to constantly re-examine my heart and point out to me the things I need to change. I am thankful that He uses the people in my life to guide me, as well as speaking into my heart directly about such issues. I want to walk blamelessly, so that not only can people identify in me as an example of what God can do in a (formerly) messed-up person, but also as proof that it truly can be done. I'm not who I used to be! I am new and different every day.
So, sadness over this situation aside, I look forward to the future with extreme hope, as the fire for change and revolution burns brighter and brighter within me. I have such dreams raging in my heart, and I am anxious to continue putting them into action, bit by bit, one step, one jump, one flying leap at a time. I know there will always be those who say I can't do it, that my dreams are too extreme, that I am too disorganized, that I am too weak or small or insecure.
But that's simply not true.
Find me in a week, in a month, in a year, and we will rejoice over each others' triumphs. :)
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