You know I can't be trusted with Super Glue, right?
I thought I'd be all smart and make a flower hair clip. Cause I'm head over heels for flower hair clips and they are kinda expensive sometimes... so, bright idea! Super Glue + fake flower + hair clip = pretty!!
Lets just say.. I probably wont be able to feel my fingertips for 3 days or so. And I gots me no pretty hair clips. :(
But enough of that. I posted on Facebook (or, as I call it - "the real world") that I'd answer some reader-submitted questions on my blog. Cause what ya'll want, ya'll get.
There were only 2 to start with. No big deal. Got this covered.
Then someone got all question-y and now there are 9. Hmmm. I'll give this a shot but I'm sleepy so we'll see how far I get.
The first one was:
"What is the hardest temptation that you have had to overcome, and have you overcome it?"
Probably my constant desire to be overly self-indulgent. Food, clothes, eating out, vacations, you name it. I always seem to want more than I actually need. So it's a constant discipline for me.. I am in the process of overcoming each day. Some days I fail miserably and with flair. Some days I rock it.
"What is my one admittable guilty pleasure?"
Well, I have more than one. But here's a good one: taking pics of myself and Photoshopping them to make me look all awesome. Either that, or making brownie batter expressly for the purpose of eating some of it.
"What do you count as your greatest triumph?"
I feel like I have great triumphs pretty often, but what was a triumph, say, 3 years ago is not such a big deal now that I've changed so much since then... and I can't really put my finger on one specific triumph for my entire life. So here's a few recent ones that I'm pretty stoked about:
Being offered a promotion at work. I love my job.
Getting to a place in life where I can let go of the bitterness I held from the past.
Finishing a half marathon.
Taking and passing the Team Oregon motorcycle class and getting my motorcycle endorsement.
"What's the grossest thing you've ever seen?"
Interesting question. And I have no idea.
"What's your opinion on "labels" such as "metal-head" and "punk"?"
I think labels have to be applied sparingly and with great consideration. Like Transformers, we are all "more than meets the eye."
"Have you ever heard a song that genuinely scared you?"
Can't say that I have.
"What would you say is your theme song?"
Oh man. It changes all the time! Right now I'm gonna say that it's a mash up of "Breathless", "Born This Way", "My Style", "Don't Cha", "Restless", and "Rooftops". figure out how to play THAT one.
And now the biggies...
"Who is Jesus to you? Not the standard Christian definition, who is he to you personally?"
Well I'm not sure I could tell you the "standard Christian definition" even if I wanted to, which I don't. So to me, Jesus is these things:
Friend.
Savior.
Comforter.
Love.
Loyal.
Inspiration.
Motivation.
Freedom.
Worth sacrifice.
Forgiver of my failures.
Provider of grace to do better when I mess up.
"When you feel like giving up, what keeps you going?"
It depends on the situation.. sometimes it's pure stubbornness, sometimes it's cause I want to impress people around me (not gonna lie), but mostly it's just cause I really want to be a better person and set myself up to live an amazing life, not just for me, but so I can help those around me. If I'm strong, empowered, and resourceful, I can make a difference in the lives of others. And to keep going when I feel like giving up helps me get to those places.
But for right now, the only place I want to get to is bed. I needs me some beauty sleep!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
When All Else Fails, Stand.
(side note - this is re-posted from last week, with some edits. A friend thought it was kinda rant-y so I fixed it up a little. Proceed.)
Tempestuous.
That's how I'd describe this week, if I were asked. If I were asked what day it was, I would say "Friday!" with absolute certainty, cause surely, surely, it can't be only Tuesday... can it?
Yep. 3 days in and it's already all a blur. I was sitting here tonight trying to focus on something and finding myself so, so, distracted. So many things were fighting for my attention and mental focus that I could barely think straight. It's a little thing I like to call "overwhelmed". Being the masochistic person I am, I kinda like it when I start to get to that point. It's like the world is taunting me, asking me what I'm really made of, throwing down the gauntlet.
Challenge accepted.
If there's anything I've learned about myself over the last few years, it's that I always end up able to handle a lot more than I initially think I can. It's all about foundation. You know what you're built on, what you're built of, and many things just become water under the bridge, so to speak. It's not so hard to let things go, or focus in on what's really important, when you're secure in your footing.
I know who I am, Who I belong to, where my hope lies. I am finding out more every day about what I am destined for, who I am destined to become, and what kinds of people I need to partner with, or protect myself against, as I walk my path.
A friend warned me recently that though you may think that some people are your allies, they in fact are not. It's usually pretty obvious when you let yourself think about it. A person's actions will end up revealing exactly what they are aligned with, every time. But sometimes we talk ourselves out of something, because we really, really wish it wasn't that way. Silly humans.
Never let those with unclear allegiances take you off of your course. Stay firm! Protect yourself from those traitors to your destiny. Someone who will say they are for you but not stand for you when the heat is on, is not a ally at all.. and you can't afford to get sidetracked from your future just in order to try to bring them with you.
Some people have to be left to go their own course, at times. God has a way of getting a hold of their hearts and reminding them of their own destiny. He will not fail them, just as He will not fail you.. though you may feel alone at times.
You are not.
Sometimes we lose parts of ourselves that we never intended to let go of. Sometimes we give them away, sometimes they are taken. Another little tidbit that a friend reminded me of this week... you have to protect your heart. And I don't mean in a romantic sense or anything, I mean your heart. The core of you, who you are inside.
Who you let have influence over you is so, so, essential. Some people will enable you and empower you to grow. They will help you see your flaws and help you work your way out of them. They will lead by example and help show you where to go.
Others won't. For whatever reasons, and for whatever motivations, they simply will not help others reach their dreams, and in worst case scenarios, actually try to keep them back.
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Seriously, and mostly I direct this toward my female readers, who tend to have more sensitive hearts than them boys, guard your heart. Again, not talking about romance. Find out the core of who you are, what you stand for, and where you are going, and steer far clear of those who refuse to put themselves aside and partner with you.
Don't let yourself become a person who will step on others to get where they want to go. Don't become a manipulator. Don't settle for anything less than complete, transparent, honesty. Don't sell yourself short by accepting that kind of treatment from others, and never, never, let yourself become someone else's dream killer.
Cause that's just not cool.
One final thought: I was at work yesterday (I was gonna say 'last week' cause it seems like forever ago already, but no, it was yesterday) and had all these little issues coming up and bombarding me. I just kept telling myself, "let the small stuff go, wait for the real battle to come so you can take your stand then."
And I realized...
The battle IS the small stuff.
The everyday, making one small good decision, defending one small injustice, taking a stand on one small issue just because it is right. I can't let the small battles go by, unfought, and then expect that I won't have a world war waiting for me at the end. One that I am not ready to handle because I refused to train myself by dealing with the small things as they came.
My stand is to take a stand now, because no "small injustice" is actually just, no "small wrong" is actually right, and no "small lie" is actually truth.
Sometimes it's just black and white, and as yet another friend told me, "sometimes you've just got to throw an elbow".
In love, of course. :)
Tempestuous.
That's how I'd describe this week, if I were asked. If I were asked what day it was, I would say "Friday!" with absolute certainty, cause surely, surely, it can't be only Tuesday... can it?
Yep. 3 days in and it's already all a blur. I was sitting here tonight trying to focus on something and finding myself so, so, distracted. So many things were fighting for my attention and mental focus that I could barely think straight. It's a little thing I like to call "overwhelmed". Being the masochistic person I am, I kinda like it when I start to get to that point. It's like the world is taunting me, asking me what I'm really made of, throwing down the gauntlet.
Challenge accepted.
If there's anything I've learned about myself over the last few years, it's that I always end up able to handle a lot more than I initially think I can. It's all about foundation. You know what you're built on, what you're built of, and many things just become water under the bridge, so to speak. It's not so hard to let things go, or focus in on what's really important, when you're secure in your footing.
I know who I am, Who I belong to, where my hope lies. I am finding out more every day about what I am destined for, who I am destined to become, and what kinds of people I need to partner with, or protect myself against, as I walk my path.
A friend warned me recently that though you may think that some people are your allies, they in fact are not. It's usually pretty obvious when you let yourself think about it. A person's actions will end up revealing exactly what they are aligned with, every time. But sometimes we talk ourselves out of something, because we really, really wish it wasn't that way. Silly humans.
Never let those with unclear allegiances take you off of your course. Stay firm! Protect yourself from those traitors to your destiny. Someone who will say they are for you but not stand for you when the heat is on, is not a ally at all.. and you can't afford to get sidetracked from your future just in order to try to bring them with you.
Some people have to be left to go their own course, at times. God has a way of getting a hold of their hearts and reminding them of their own destiny. He will not fail them, just as He will not fail you.. though you may feel alone at times.
You are not.
Sometimes we lose parts of ourselves that we never intended to let go of. Sometimes we give them away, sometimes they are taken. Another little tidbit that a friend reminded me of this week... you have to protect your heart. And I don't mean in a romantic sense or anything, I mean your heart. The core of you, who you are inside.
Who you let have influence over you is so, so, essential. Some people will enable you and empower you to grow. They will help you see your flaws and help you work your way out of them. They will lead by example and help show you where to go.
Others won't. For whatever reasons, and for whatever motivations, they simply will not help others reach their dreams, and in worst case scenarios, actually try to keep them back.
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Seriously, and mostly I direct this toward my female readers, who tend to have more sensitive hearts than them boys, guard your heart. Again, not talking about romance. Find out the core of who you are, what you stand for, and where you are going, and steer far clear of those who refuse to put themselves aside and partner with you.
Don't let yourself become a person who will step on others to get where they want to go. Don't become a manipulator. Don't settle for anything less than complete, transparent, honesty. Don't sell yourself short by accepting that kind of treatment from others, and never, never, let yourself become someone else's dream killer.
Cause that's just not cool.
One final thought: I was at work yesterday (I was gonna say 'last week' cause it seems like forever ago already, but no, it was yesterday) and had all these little issues coming up and bombarding me. I just kept telling myself, "let the small stuff go, wait for the real battle to come so you can take your stand then."
And I realized...
The battle IS the small stuff.
The everyday, making one small good decision, defending one small injustice, taking a stand on one small issue just because it is right. I can't let the small battles go by, unfought, and then expect that I won't have a world war waiting for me at the end. One that I am not ready to handle because I refused to train myself by dealing with the small things as they came.
My stand is to take a stand now, because no "small injustice" is actually just, no "small wrong" is actually right, and no "small lie" is actually truth.
Sometimes it's just black and white, and as yet another friend told me, "sometimes you've just got to throw an elbow".
In love, of course. :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Death Has No Hold
Raise your hand if you knew that I used to be suicidal.......anyone? no?
You might find that surprising, or maybe not.. but if you think about it, it's not really too far of a stretch to think that anyone these days, particularly of my generation or younger, could have been subject to the kinds of depression and hopelessness that might make one consider ending one's life. Even I, who grew up going to church, got to a point where I felt like I could take no more, that the small amount of hope I knew would not be enough to push through one more day of hell.
Though I have my concerns about the relevance of churches these days, I cannot deny that the fact that I grew up in church, the fact that my very foundations were based on the truth that God loved me and had some sort of plan for me, was all that saved me when I had a razorblade to my wrist and no more tears left to cry. When I felt like I had no one on my side, no one I could talk to or count on, no one who wouldn't throw me under the bus to save themselves, a small voice spoke to me and reminded me that I have a purpose.
It's what I would now think of as a "divine moment", a touch of the sacred in the most dire and dark of circumstances. What a Savior.. reaching down into that little bathroom to lift up a broken, lonely, angry, confused little wretch like myself and remind her that the tiny, tiny light she saw at the end of the tunnel was, in fact, her salvation. Not salvation in an eternal-soul kind of sense, just salvation from the hell of depression, abuse, and deception she was submersed in on a daily basis.
And now that I can look back, see that girl trudging on one day at a time, slowly stepping into better circumstances, holding on when it made no sense to hold on... it all turned out to what you see today - peaceful, content, driven, loving, and loved. Me, now. I've never been more happy, focused, strong, or empowered as I am now, and it gets better every day.
I'm not gonna drag this one out. I just felt like it was time to share that part of myself, and say this:
Life can be rough. Correction - life will be rough. You can count on rough times in life, no matter what you say, do, believe, or think. Protestant, Atheist, Hindu, Buddhist, worshiper of cheddar cheese.. it doesn't make a difference.
God loves you. You've probably heard it a million times, but that does not make it any less true.. He does love you, desperately.
He has a plan for you even if it seems like there is no way forward.
He can, and will, come to rescue you when you call out to Him. He can't help it. He's our daddy, our father, and just as much as most fathers would give up anything to rescue their child, so it is with God.
Just sit back for a moment and let it sink in. The God of the Universe, creator of everything, just wants to be your dad. He wants to talk to you and He wants you to talk to Him. He wants to be involved in your life, to comfort, guide, direct, even laugh with you.
Don't pass it up.. even if you think you can't possibly believe in such things - just test Him and see. Talk to Him, ask Him to show you who He is and what He thinks of you, and see if He doesn't respond.
You might be surprised at what He says. :)
You might find that surprising, or maybe not.. but if you think about it, it's not really too far of a stretch to think that anyone these days, particularly of my generation or younger, could have been subject to the kinds of depression and hopelessness that might make one consider ending one's life. Even I, who grew up going to church, got to a point where I felt like I could take no more, that the small amount of hope I knew would not be enough to push through one more day of hell.
Though I have my concerns about the relevance of churches these days, I cannot deny that the fact that I grew up in church, the fact that my very foundations were based on the truth that God loved me and had some sort of plan for me, was all that saved me when I had a razorblade to my wrist and no more tears left to cry. When I felt like I had no one on my side, no one I could talk to or count on, no one who wouldn't throw me under the bus to save themselves, a small voice spoke to me and reminded me that I have a purpose.
It's what I would now think of as a "divine moment", a touch of the sacred in the most dire and dark of circumstances. What a Savior.. reaching down into that little bathroom to lift up a broken, lonely, angry, confused little wretch like myself and remind her that the tiny, tiny light she saw at the end of the tunnel was, in fact, her salvation. Not salvation in an eternal-soul kind of sense, just salvation from the hell of depression, abuse, and deception she was submersed in on a daily basis.
And now that I can look back, see that girl trudging on one day at a time, slowly stepping into better circumstances, holding on when it made no sense to hold on... it all turned out to what you see today - peaceful, content, driven, loving, and loved. Me, now. I've never been more happy, focused, strong, or empowered as I am now, and it gets better every day.
I'm not gonna drag this one out. I just felt like it was time to share that part of myself, and say this:
Life can be rough. Correction - life will be rough. You can count on rough times in life, no matter what you say, do, believe, or think. Protestant, Atheist, Hindu, Buddhist, worshiper of cheddar cheese.. it doesn't make a difference.
God loves you. You've probably heard it a million times, but that does not make it any less true.. He does love you, desperately.
He has a plan for you even if it seems like there is no way forward.
He can, and will, come to rescue you when you call out to Him. He can't help it. He's our daddy, our father, and just as much as most fathers would give up anything to rescue their child, so it is with God.
Just sit back for a moment and let it sink in. The God of the Universe, creator of everything, just wants to be your dad. He wants to talk to you and He wants you to talk to Him. He wants to be involved in your life, to comfort, guide, direct, even laugh with you.
Don't pass it up.. even if you think you can't possibly believe in such things - just test Him and see. Talk to Him, ask Him to show you who He is and what He thinks of you, and see if He doesn't respond.
You might be surprised at what He says. :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Myspace? What's that?
I used to blog on Myspace. It was kinda just a rant for the most part, cause I was pretty depressed.
Not anymore, baby. Not anymore.
I found this on the old blog though, and I thought I'd share. It's a little cheesy but I think you can understand the heart of what I was trying to say. :)
A life lived in protection of all that really matters.. is it enough?
Never before have I been as strong in the face of this fear.
As phoenix, it lives again though I thought it dead and gone.
As tsunami, washing over me when I feel my strongest, eroding foundations.
Or so it does appear-
When water recedes, truth remains, foundation revealed to be as strong, as solid,
As ever before.
Nothing can take from me what it is that shapes me,
What it is that sustains me.
Rejection, seclusion, poverty, disgrace,
All are nothing! All will fall.
Hope as a light remains in my soul, in my being.
Walked over, ignored, passed over for something better,
Something stronger,
Something more.
As it was before, tears fall.
As it was before, strength never before recognized rose from ashes.
As it is now.
Fear me, night!
I bring strength, I bring solidarity, to the lost and forgotten.
I pour out only what has flowed into me,
I mirror only what has been shown to me,
I become only what was shaped of me.
I am what I was designed to be,
Broken,
Flawed,
Qualified,
Complete.
Not anymore, baby. Not anymore.
I found this on the old blog though, and I thought I'd share. It's a little cheesy but I think you can understand the heart of what I was trying to say. :)
A Winter Poem
Trapped in an icy shell, words fail, truth remains.A life lived in protection of all that really matters.. is it enough?
Never before have I been as strong in the face of this fear.
As phoenix, it lives again though I thought it dead and gone.
As tsunami, washing over me when I feel my strongest, eroding foundations.
Or so it does appear-
When water recedes, truth remains, foundation revealed to be as strong, as solid,
As ever before.
Nothing can take from me what it is that shapes me,
What it is that sustains me.
Rejection, seclusion, poverty, disgrace,
All are nothing! All will fall.
Hope as a light remains in my soul, in my being.
Walked over, ignored, passed over for something better,
Something stronger,
Something more.
As it was before, tears fall.
As it was before, strength never before recognized rose from ashes.
As it is now.
Fear me, night!
I bring strength, I bring solidarity, to the lost and forgotten.
I pour out only what has flowed into me,
I mirror only what has been shown to me,
I become only what was shaped of me.
I am what I was designed to be,
Broken,
Flawed,
Qualified,
Complete.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Side Notes and Rabbit Trails
A friend texted me a quote recently that really stuck with me - "Would you rather suffer the pain of discipline or the pain of regret?"
I hate discipline. I'm not gonna lie. Discipline makes me put away my beloved sweets and get an apple instead. It makes me go running when I want to watch a movie and get up when I want to sleep. But after nearly 2 weeks of trying to be extra disciplined, and failing spectacularly, I'm learning that the pain of regret is a hell of a lot more poignant than the pain of discipline. You know. I'm sure we've all been there.
Except for all those perfect people. Thanks for setting the bar high, perfect people. I am short in stature and short on self-discipline and I cannot reach your standard.
On my own.
Dude, I love the guy who invented contacts so I can like, see people's faces and all, but seriously. There's a freakin plastic disk in my eye. I wonder what my opthamologist sees when she looks at my cornea. "You been ice skating on this thing, or what? I've seen fewer scratches on my 86 year old grandmother's Buick. Someone needs to take away her license."
Sometimes you can't make it on your own (borrowed your lyrics, Bono. You can have them back when I'm done). I think that's where not only the strength of our God comes in, but also where the strength of our community is awakened. And I use community in the sense of "a group with a common connection", not "people in the house across the street". Though they can be included if they want. There is such value in like-minded people joining together with a common focus. I've had so many conversations about things I've been struggling with even just over the last weekend and in each one, the person I spoke to had a different perspective, suggestion, or solution for me, one that I couldn't have come up with on my own.
I just googled "angry puppies".
Another benefit of community is plain old encouragement. Even if someone can't offer a solution, they can, and usually do, let you know that they are behind you no matter what. Who wouldn't want to get in on that?
I wonder what it's like to come back from the dead. Seriously. That's nuts.
I have an empty jar sitting on my desk. Until this morning, it held an item that was a memory of something that I really needed to let go of. I emptied it out earlier.. and though it was only symbolic, the act depicting the release of things I need to stop holding on to was... liberating. That empty jar is ready for new memories now. Or maybe M&Ms.
This is what you get when you Google "cutest bunny ever":
You're welcome.
I hate discipline. I'm not gonna lie. Discipline makes me put away my beloved sweets and get an apple instead. It makes me go running when I want to watch a movie and get up when I want to sleep. But after nearly 2 weeks of trying to be extra disciplined, and failing spectacularly, I'm learning that the pain of regret is a hell of a lot more poignant than the pain of discipline. You know. I'm sure we've all been there.
Except for all those perfect people. Thanks for setting the bar high, perfect people. I am short in stature and short on self-discipline and I cannot reach your standard.
On my own.
Dude, I love the guy who invented contacts so I can like, see people's faces and all, but seriously. There's a freakin plastic disk in my eye. I wonder what my opthamologist sees when she looks at my cornea. "You been ice skating on this thing, or what? I've seen fewer scratches on my 86 year old grandmother's Buick. Someone needs to take away her license."
Sometimes you can't make it on your own (borrowed your lyrics, Bono. You can have them back when I'm done). I think that's where not only the strength of our God comes in, but also where the strength of our community is awakened. And I use community in the sense of "a group with a common connection", not "people in the house across the street". Though they can be included if they want. There is such value in like-minded people joining together with a common focus. I've had so many conversations about things I've been struggling with even just over the last weekend and in each one, the person I spoke to had a different perspective, suggestion, or solution for me, one that I couldn't have come up with on my own.
I just googled "angry puppies".
Another benefit of community is plain old encouragement. Even if someone can't offer a solution, they can, and usually do, let you know that they are behind you no matter what. Who wouldn't want to get in on that?
I wonder what it's like to come back from the dead. Seriously. That's nuts.
I have an empty jar sitting on my desk. Until this morning, it held an item that was a memory of something that I really needed to let go of. I emptied it out earlier.. and though it was only symbolic, the act depicting the release of things I need to stop holding on to was... liberating. That empty jar is ready for new memories now. Or maybe M&Ms.
This is what you get when you Google "cutest bunny ever":
You're welcome.
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