This is just a tribute.

My mom died this year.

Welcome to today's blog. Sorry to start out so heavy. But it won't stay that way, I promise.

I think it's kind of natural to reflect upon the last year when the new year comes upon us. That's what I was doing this morning, laying in bed reflecting. And naturally, the thing that occupied my mind is that.. my mom died.

It's easier to say now. I couldn't say it even a week ago. I could barely squeak out the phrase "passed away". I guess that means that healing is happening.

What I'd like to impart to you in this first-of-the-year blog is this: Don't forget to LIVE.

Really, let it sink in. Let me help you.

For those that maybe don't know, my mom lost her battle with cancer this year. I kind of like to say that she won the battle, because she never gave an inch to cancer, except what ground her weary body gave, against her will.. and I know that she is now at peace and out of pain. That seems like a win to me. Three and a half years after diagnosis, she succumbed, gracefully and full of faith, to that which had eaten away at her for all that time. What she left behind, was something I feel inadequate to explain to you. She showed me, and by proxy, you, how to live.

The key, if I understood her example correctly, is to treat each day as if it were your last. I don't think it's possible for us healthy, young(ish), whippersnappers to really do this. It's hard to make it feel real, that our time is indeed limited. But seeing my mom live under what was essentially a death sentence for years made it more real to me. Looking back at the last day I spent with her, that day when I had NO IDEA that the next day would be her last day, trying to remember if I said something more profound than "I love you, mom" (profound enough, I suppose). Wondering if I told her enough that I loved her. Trying to fight overwhelming shame over the day we were setting up for my wedding and I snapped at her over something completely stupid, or wondering if I could have been less of a pain as a teenager, or if I could have visited her just one more time... this all makes it real. Death comes for us. But we do not fear.

In the meantime, while we wait for the inevitable, we don't just wait. We live.

I was given a gift over the last few years.. I had a mom that was also my friend. We could talk about just about anything. My growing up years, she was solely "mom", as it should be when we are young. But over time, and through many trials, I began to understand who she was as a person, not just as my mom. And that person was quite amazing. She was a beautiful woman with a beautiful smile. She was the most gracious hostess. She listened, really listened, and paid attention to the lives of those around her. She was tenacious and believed fiercely in justice. She had compassion like no one I've ever known. She had great advice to give and a gentle way of prodding me, her grown-ass daughter, to listen and act on "what mom says to do". She loved and trusted in Jesus, always studying and continuing to learn and grow deeper, listening to, reading, and watching whatever she could get her hands on to know more about her precious Father. What she learned obviously sunk in, because I've never known someone more like Jesus than my mom.

The last few years, we enjoyed friendship as two women who were finding their way in new paths. She, with terminal illness. Me, with a new husband and daughter. I feel ridiculous even comparing the two. She knew all about husbands and daughters, and passed along her wisdom to me. I knew nothing about terminal illness, but was able to share with her some companionship, trips to the craft store, lunches on her balcony, friendships with (former) strangers struck up over IVs in the chemo infusion center, many more holidays, my own wedding, and so much more. She fought so hard, and her fight gave me those precious times, times I would never have had with her had she chosen not to live.

She chose to live each day with a smile on her face. She was in pain nearly all of the time, but most days you would never even know. She would be the first to buy a trinket for someone even while she lived on Social Security. She laughed, all the time. Even down to her last days, she poked fun at me when I watched her worriedly, warning me "you're staring..." as if to remind me that she was a grown woman and perfectly able to take care of herself. Even when it was obvious that her body was shutting down.

I always imagined that we would have a peaceful, bedside, goodbye. It sounds morbid to even say that I imagined it. But I had spent the weeks previous trying to prepare myself. I knew that it was a possibility, even while hoping and praying for a miracle. But we didn't get that peaceful goodbye. Life tumbled down upon us and I don't even remember what the last thing I said to her was. But I don't regret this. I know, deep down, that I did live, mom and I, we lived in the weird bubble that terminal illness gave us, for those last few years. And I am left to carry on her legacy, and continue to live.

My wish for you, and I know that my mom's wish for you this new year, is that you live. Dance. Do a little spin in the suit aisle at Macy's. Sway a bit in the arms of your love next to the ice cream cooler at the grocery store. Salsa in the ballroom with someone you've never even met. Climb a rock wall. Eat Loco Moco. Ride a scooter. Ride a motorcycle. Buy a canvas and paint something. Wear an ugly sweater just for a laugh. Start a band. Sing a song, really loud. Do Megan Trainor dance moves in your car.

Love those around you like your time, or theirs, is limited. Don't be afraid. Death will come for us all but we have been given a beautiful gift, the present, and the chance to make it count.

Do it for yourself, and do it for those who didn't get to see 2016.
I promise to dance this year. To live.
Because, yes, my mom died in 2015. But the more important thing - the thing that changes it all -  is that she lived.

Invested

Life is a complicated thing. Events happen that make us want to question the paths we've chosen. Did I invest in the right portfolio? It took such a major hit today. I didn't think this could ever happen, it was so stable and seemed so reliable. This investment supported me while I recovered from major financial damage at the hands of another money manager. It sheltered me while I ran amok in the investment world looking for something that felt safe. It helped me grow financially, exponentially, when all that made sense is that I should founder.
And today I found out that someone made a big mistake that may cause a lot of investors to lose their confidence in what was built. A mistake that affected a lot of people and may cause a load of financial damage to those who relied on it.

 I  don't claim to know the reasons why the decision was made, or how to fix it. But I do know this: I'm not withdrawing what I have invested in this portfolio or this money manager. My first impulse was to run, to say "it's happening again.. Everything I've put into this is falling down around me, just like before", and even to have the thought cross my mind that the stock market itself is faulty, that I should never have considered placing my future in its hands, even in part. My first impulse was to take my money and run. Far away.
But that thought quickly went away. I've grown so much, working with this money manager, you see. You don't just give up on what you've worked for because you get thrown for a loop. You don't give up on the remaining team of investors when they will need support more than ever. You have to stick it out for the long haul in order to see the proper turnaround. Your investment won't grow unless you continue to invest something in it.

I felt a lot of emotions today. Sadness, primarily, mixed with a threatening-to-boil cauldron of anger, fear, and betrayal that fought to overtake me and convince me of how very wronged I've been. But that was overcome quickly when I chose to remember everything good that I've received under the care of this money manager, and honestly, when I chose to control my emotions. Is this the way I want it to be? Negative, hurtful? No, it's not. So I choose to think otherwise. The negative emotions were quickly replaced with a heart feeling very much broken for the manager and the family around him who must also be feeling the sting of this very public mistake.

The thing is, I know the guy who runs this whole investment house. He's been doing this business for a very long time and he's seen a lot of money managers make a lot of mistakes. He knows how to fix the damage that's been done and turn what seems like a loss into a gain. He has this knack for making something beautiful out of something ugly. I'm actually kinda interested to see what may blossom out of this steaming pile of... Mistakes.

The benefit of what I've received in this time of investment has far, far exceeded any loss I may have taken from this mistake. I wouldn't trade anything I've gained just to avoid this troublesome moment in my life.

It really all comes down to this -
God is still good, and I will be grateful.

Mean Things I Say About Myself

Life is changing. I'm doing well at my job. I'm moving. I'm getting married. I'm still trying to fight my way back to God in spite of Christians.

Wait, I just realized that needs to be addressed. It just blurted out like that, "in spite of Christians", and I recognized, just now, I need to deal with some resentment.

Shit just got real.

This was not what I was gonna blog about.. but let's explore it, shall we?

I feel like I may be leaning on this as a cop-out. My excuse for life not going the way I wanted and a reason to not have to fight to get it back. Just blame it on others and call it good. Hang out. Stay in a rut.

This isn't about the past. This is about now. This is about the unjust way I see people treated, about the way I see others bring judged and talked down to and demeaned by Christians without even a second thought, without even the slightest consideration of the idea that they might be driving people away from Christ by their actions.

I have to then ask, is this me? Am I one of those people? Do others look at me and say "if that's what being a Christian is all about, I want nothing to do with it?"

Dear God, let it not be. Not me. Not after all the work I've done to try to create a life that shows others the love and grace of Christ. Was all that work in vain? I know I never arrived. But now I worry that I never even really started.

Someone said that exact phrase to me ("if that's what being a Christian is all about, I want nothing to do with it") about a friend of mine, because of the way my friend was treating me. I was simultaneously heartbroken and furious. How dare the friend treat me this way and besmirch the very image of the God they claimed to emulate? How could I ever undo such damage to the third party that was observing it and turning away from God? How could I ever trust the friend or the friend's claim of righteousness again?

Um, mirrors. Ever heard of them, Boechler? You hypocritical, lazy human. How dare you judge another person for messing up when you yourself have fallen so far, so fast?

I should have a gold medal for pulling a life 360. One moment - church girl, worship leader, queen bee with a guitar and a microphone. Next moment - shell-shocked, resentful, meeting random guys in random places just to feel like I'm alive and worth something. Running away from the God I had served all my life because His people bullied me and left me in the cold.

Oh, poor baby.

You know what I am? I'm too freaking judgmental. And it stresses me out. Probably because it's not my place; it's not my load to carry. I have enough to work on in myself to have the time or energy to micromanage other Christians' choices.

So why do I care so damn much about other people's choices?

I'm guessing it's because of the effect they have on me. These choices leave me all alone. They make me feel inferior. They prevent me, or at least create constant barricades, from me doing the things that I love and feel passion for in my life.

But again, not my place to worry about.

I've always been stronger when I'm alone.

No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (Thanks, Eleanor)

No one can prevent me from reaching the goals I've set, without my permission. Especially when those goals and dreams are in line with the things God has called me to do. He gave me that passion and that dream, and He will help me fulfill it. He won't make people's decisions for them, but people can't stand in His way.

So maybe I need to stand back and not get in His way. Stop getting all up in arms about other people making mistakes and deal with my own stuff.

And stop worrying about never reaching my goals. Start taking the steps that I can take, and take a deep breath. Smile. Love. Remember the God who loves me and who wants nothing but the best life for me.

And just go for that life.

I need to let others' decisions be just that, others'. I am responsible for me, and the things other people do, or don't do, are no excuse for me laying back and taking the easy road.

Cause the easy road may lead to the lake, but the hard road? That leads to the mountaintop.

Injustice Doesn't Have To Break Us

Once upon a time there were some holiday parties. People were drinking alcohol. Some of these people were leaders in a particular church. No judgement here, just saying it as it was.

These parties and drinking ended up getting some people removed from that church. I wasn't really clear on the thinking behind that whole situation, but it happened. Ok.

I was at those parties. I wasn't drinking.. in fact, I was the only one saying it might not be a good idea, thinking that as leaders we might set a better example. At least I was the only one I know of that said anything, I felt like the odd man out for sure. Oh well.

The next month we all sat down and decided it was a bad idea to have drinking at these events and decided to change things. Lesson learned, change it and move on. Got it.

The point of this little history lesson is that I realized recently that there may have been a little injustice here reagrding those parties. More history.

Shortly after these parties, I was asked to become the worship leader at this church. I ran the music department, such as it was, prepared songs for each service, the usual. I had a really hard time with the existing team. A few of them were openly hostile, a few were hostile behind my back and tried their best to get rid of me. No one really likes change, especially in a church. But I stuck with it, because the church leadership told me they believed in me, that I brought the new ideas and new spirit that the church needed.

It might have been one of the hardest situations of my life. Knowing that people wanted me out, they didn't want to change, they wanted things to stay the same stale old way they always had been. It's easy to do, really. Human nature would have us stay where it's comfortable. But nevertheless it wasn't easy to deal with. The only thing that made it bearable was that I had the leadership standing behind me.

Or so I thought.

One day right as my practice was about to start and the band members were coming in, two of the church leaders sat me down and asked about the parties I mentioned. They just asked if they had occurred, which I said that they did. Then they mentioned that I had posted on Facebook that I had a beer with lunch one day, which I did confirm. They asked me to step down from leadership because though they didn't feel like it was a problem to have had a beer with lunch, they just didn't want me telling anyone about it.

Hmmm.

I was shellshocked and devastated at the time and didn't have time to process it because everyone was arriving for practce. I just walked out as I was asked to do and sat in my car crying. It was only after I had a clear head again that I reliazed that they were saying that they didn't care what I did as long as no one found out about it. That I could do something that they themselves said was perfectly ok, (drinking a beer) as long as I didn't tell anyone I had. Seems to me that how they really felt was that drinking a beer was not ok. And if so, fine. Just tell me that you don't want your leadership drinking and I would have never done it again. Done and done. But instead, they asked me to step down "until it all blew over".

That was scary because apparently there was a beer-fueled storm raging somewhere that I knew nothing about.

Regardless. I stepped down as asked and after a week's worth of thought, I realized that if they really believed in me and thought I was what was needed in that church at that time, they would have stood by me. They would have seen the drinking of one beer with lunch as a ridiculous thing for others to get upset over and we could have easily talked to the people that were apparently offended.

But that's not what happened. So I decided to step away from that situation and from that church. It seemed silly to go back to that battle against the people that didn't want me there when it was more apparent that many others didn't too. And I could have dealt with that if I had the backing of the leadership. But I could see that I no longer did.

So I moved on.

This was a couple years ago. It's in the past but it still bothers me almost every day. And I think it's because of the injustice of it all. No one got to hear my story. I'm pretty sure that most people think I was drinking at those parties when I was the only one who stood up against it. I stood up against even my friends at those parties. I stood up against all those angry and ruthless people on that worship team that didn't want to change, that would say and do whatever it took to get the old ways back. And this is what I got in exchange. My dreams crushed, my reputation unjustly smeared in front of some people that I really looked up to, my faith in God demolished. They never even asked for my side of the events at those parties, never even asked if I had been drinking myslef. I'm pretty certain that people at that church think I was drinking and being rowdy at those parties, and that when I got called on it, I got angry and left.

Not so.

I left because I knew I would never be given support or grace by that church. Even in a situation where they themselves said I didn't do anything wrong, I was embarrassed in front of those I had been asked to lead, and I was asked to leave. Not easy to process or accept, even still.

The anger came later. But less at the people that did this than at God. This had been my biggest dream, to lead worship. It still is. I miss it desperately. But He handed me my dream and then let His people take it away, harshly and unjustly. God is supposed to be the defender of the weak, the enforcer of justce. Where was He when all this happened? How could He let me believe that I was someone who could change things when all this was coming down the pike, unbeknownst to me?

I don't feel that way anymore. But at the time I felt completely abandoned and couldn't see any church as more than a big bunch of liars only concerned with the way things look on the outside. Now I can see that I do indeed have a gift. That I can use my music and my talents, as meager as they are, to break spiritual chains in people. To break through the walls that would prevent them from really seeing Jesus for who He is. And while that gift sits on the back burner right now, it's not gone. It's just waiting to be opened up and used again. And I can wait til the right time for that.

And this is what happened next. Suddenly, I found myself on the outside. I found myself looking into the church (not just this one church, but "church" as all churches in general)  as one who has never known God might look at it. I no longer had any need to defend its actions or explain its weirdness or try to understand why there are certain things in the Bible and the church's beliefs that can't be explained. I, who had grown up in the church, and always, always, followed the rules, found myself adrift. I felt like there was no point in even labeling myself as a Christian anymore. I did all the right things and sacrificed the vast majority of my time and devotion for my whole life, only to be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash. And my eyes were opened to see how the church can look to one who hasn't been inside its doors.

It was a gift. I didn't see it at the time, of course, but now I know. I went through this because not only was I stong enough to handle it (eventually, I did have a few pretty spectacular meltdowns those months after), but because it was going to change my perspective so I could be truly relevant to those outside the church. Because while I did want to exact change from within, my main goal was to reach those outside anyway. And I never would have, being trapped inside like I was. Unable to grow, unable to make changes, stunted and blinded by the old ways and by the oppression of people fighting aginst me all the time.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. Partly I posted it because I wanted the truth out there. Not that anyone that didn't know the truth would be reading this. They all unfriended me anyway. But I think there's a freedom in speaking it. I want to be unburdened from this injustice. It's no longer mine to carry. It's no longer mine to drag around every day and feel sad about. It's over and done, and I can see at least some of the reasons it happened. I'm gonna take with me the good and try not to let the bad taint my view of the future (easier said than done).

It is absolutely not meant as a slam on anyone involved. It's about me and the things I learned, and, well, I can't explain it without explaining it.

And I guess just to let anyone out there who has been treated unjustly that it doesn't have to break you. Even if the truth is never revealed to those people at that church, I can be whole again, and strong again. And you know what, you can too.

Here's something to think about.   

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

That Jesus guy had some good stuff to say.

The Journey

I've always heard phrases like " it's all about the journey, not the destination." and "take time to smell the roses.", but I've never really put them into practice.

My motto is more like " run at 110% 24/7 or until completely empty and frustrated".

I learned this past summer how to enjoy the journey.

Here's the tale.

In July, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Stage 4, very advanced, and with a very limited prognosis. I still can barely believe it. She spent a week in the hospital with family there every day, completing the diagnosis and starting treatment. There were complications along the way, and one one particularly bad day, I was very much at the end of my ability to process anything more.

I was leaving the hospital for the night. I said my goodbyes, and walked outside, where my love was waiting for me, just to spend a little time with me and to help me decompress a little. We walked around the side of the hospital and onto the beautiful walking trails that go all over the hospital campus. As I started to tell him about the day, one in which we really thought we were losing her, I completely broke down. Faced with the very near reality of losing my mom, I was wracked with guilt and fear, guilt that I hadn't spent enough time with her when I could have, and fear that she would not live to see her grandkids grow up, or to see me get married someday, or even just to have another Christmas with the family.

I lost it. I must have bawled like a baby for 20 minutes. A few people walked by, and though I'm sure it's not unusual to see a woman crying outside a hopsital, I imagine they must have wondered. I was completely wrecked.

As I calmed down a bit and we started to walk back, he gave me what may be the most simple, yet the most profound advice that anyone has given me so far in this journey with a loved one through cancer.

"You don't know how much time she has left. It could be a few months, and it could be years. The thing you need to do now is simply to spend as much time with her as possible. Make your memories. Then no matter what, if she is around a little time or a long while, you have no regrets. And no regrets about time that's already gone by. Make the most of what you have now."

That's a paraphrase of what he said to me, but it's really the soul of it. Smell the roses, in other words.  Don't live with the regret of the past. Make a more beautiful future with what you know you have now, which is just today. That's what I have for now.

So that's what I did. I did what I needed to do to make sure I spent time with her, as much as possible. Sometimes that's a quick visit, and some days we spend the whole day together, crafting or shopping or having lunch. It's been so wonderful. To have a mom as your friend when you're an adult is a very precious thing, I can talk to her about anything and she's always there to support me. I hope I've become a little of the same to her.

I'm happy to report that what was a very bleak prognosis in July has now turned into talk of remission. She was never supposed to have gone into remission. The chemo was only intended to buy as much time as possible, to make her as comfortable and as happy as possible for as long as it could.

The last CT scan she had, the doctor had to actively search for any of the tumors that had completely overtaken her liver. He finally found a tiny one and said "oh, THERE it is!"

My mind is still blown over this.

And it's funny, cause when all of this happened, I kinda figured it was the last straw. God had given up on me and on her for good. If you read my blog or you know me, you probably know that I've been having a hard time lately with understanding how it is that God loves us when terrible things like this happen. And in July, I just threw up my hands and thought "I had it right all along. We are alone in this."

And when I got the text from mom in September that her doctor told her she was in the first stages of remission, I cried yet again. I remembered that God has a hand in the lives of men, that He has not left us alone, and I realized that He would go to such great lengths to win back his one silly little wandering child, me.

Did He give my mom cancer? No. But he used what was happening with her to show both her and I that His love is very real and very present.

And that, my friend, is the journey. As we approach another Christmas, one in which my mom will participate, I have a very grateful and overwhelmed heart to welcome the season with.

Appropriate that next week is Thanksgiving.

Appropriate that through heartache, I've learned a bit about joy.

And appropriate that those grandkids get more time with their grandma. And that I get more days, and more memories, with my mom. I intend to make some very good ones.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Does anyone remember "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? I totally loved them. The books were written in first person. You read a page or two, and then you choose your next action, like "open the door" or "walk down the hallway to the left", each of which prompt you to a certain page number. Sometimes you solve the mystery, and sometimes you... die.

I used to hold my page so that if I died I could have a do-over. I'd go through the books over and over again til I had exhausted every possible ending. I think the appeal was just that - I could go back and try over if I messed up.

Not so in life.

It's funny how easy it is in life to make a decision, turn the page, and find yourself somewhere you never intended to be. Oops. Lost my place. No way to go back.

Time to turn this misstep, and all its results, into something amazing.

There is nothing that can't be redeemed.

There are gonna be consequences to our decisions, certainly. I am going to have to deal with the results of walking the path I've walked, good or bad. But there is no point that we can reach where we are beyond the reach of redemption.

I've had a hard time with this one lately. I feel like the bad decisions I've made over the last year have put me out of the reach of God and beyond His ability to use me to do good things in the world, unusable to make Him known. What I know in my heart is that this isn't true, that He can indeed use me and that others can still see Him in me through my actions, and through my life.

What my head tells me is that someone as messed up as I am would be a hypocrite of the worst sort to try to encourage others to learn more about a God who loves them. I'm still struggling with trying to believe that He loves me, some days. Deep down, I know it, but there's so much I don't understand, that I can't explain or apply logic to.

My faith and my brain want to have a war. I'm trying to draw a cease fire.

These are the things I identify myself as, many of which I've lost sight of lately:

A writer; a teller of stories and truths.
A singer of songs. One who can break down the walls in people's lives through music.
A lover of people. One who wants to take care of others, to provide hope through my actions.
A dreamer. One with lofty goals and focused vision.
A giver, of time, money, love.. I love to give to others. It makes me feel complete.
A protector.

I need to make time in my life to get these things back. I'm running myself so ragged that I can't even remember who I am some days. I'm becoming this worn out, stressed, self-focused mess that I can't stand to see. I want "me" back.

It makes me sad that people who have only met me in the last few months have only seen this spiritually struggling side of me. I want to tell them "wait, this is not who I really am, the real me was the one with the idealistic view of religion, the title of worship leader, the one involved in anything and everything church-y.".

But then I realize, whis IS who I really am. I am a girl with questions and fears, who believes in God but has lost faith in people, who wants to be loved and give love, who wants a balance of answers and mysteries, who wants to give, wants to be nurtured, wants to enjoy every step of this journey and not live in regret.

Each day is a whirlwind. It goes by so fast. I've been in this weird flux for a year now. A year. I've blogged about it, talked to friends about it, cried, laughed, said sarcastic things (I know, weird), said profound things. I'm kinda at the point where my words are just words, I need actions. I need God back in my life, I need to forgive people for how they've treated me, I need to remember that life isn't fair, at least not my perception of fair.

I'm ok with that. I'm gonna choose THIS adventure: to take the time I need to take to re-center and refocus myself on what matters. My God. My family. My friends. My self.

Ready or not, here I come.

Hi, friend.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I've decided it's time to let the past go.. I want back the peaceful and hopeful life I had a year ago, I spite of the issues I was dealing with at the time. I want my center and focus back. I want to use the gifts and talents I know I have to be able to show people the love of God. And I want to be unafraid to pursue my dreams again.

Jesus isn't religion, and I don't need religion. I just need Jesus and I need community with people who also need him. Easy enough.

I realized today that I miss Him. I've let my bitterness and anger get in the way of remembering who He really is and that he simply wants a relationship with me, to be my friend. And I want that back. I want that confidante, that one I can talk to when everything goes awry and I don't know what to do. That guidance that speaks to me in my own voice and uses my intuition to guide me.

Hi Jesus, it's me, Kim. I've been wandering but I'm ready to feel settled again. Is this seat taken?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hillbilly Zombie Soul

I had a moment today that I kinda wanted to go back to my old church. The one where all the not-so-great things happened to me and that started me on the interesting little spiritual journey I've been on this last year or so.

It kinda surprised me when I felt this feeling of relaxation come over me when I imagined myself there again, because the things that happened there were the catalyst to starting one of the most challenging times of my life. But at the same time, I knew immediately why I felt like that.

Because I could hide.

I could put the facade back on, and no one would be consistently challenging me to face my demons, so to speak, and really get the the heart of my issues. I could live with them hidden nicely under the surface and go on my merry way. I wouldn't have to deal with them all the time like I have to now.

Hiding feels safe.

And maybe it is safe, for a while. I suppose that hiding has its time and place. Like when the hillbilly zombie family comes a-knockin' at the door. But in real life (what, zombies aren't real?) it's best to face yer stuff head on. Letting things hide under the surface, for me, has created a problem like this out of my life:

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It's an upside down pyramid. It's a bit ZZT-ish. Super extra nerd points if you understood that reference.

I had a tiny foundation. I knew God and had a basic relationship with Him. I knew things about His nature and His rules but I didn't really KNOW Him. But instead of getting to know Him better and then building on that, I left it the way it was and started throwing stuff on top. Trying to do all the churchy things, conferences and music and spending all my time trying to LOOK like I was a Christ-follower without actually really following Him.

Not that I actively tried to look a certain way. I was never anything less than real and honest. I was just misinformed. I truly thought that doing the things that made one look like a spiritual person was what it was all about. It was simpler to hide behind that facade, do the things I needed to do to fit in, and not have to really deal with the questions I had. With the fact that I had questions in the first place.

I don't understand God. I don't understand how He can love us so very much. How there is so much pain in the world. How Christians can treat each other so very badly -in His Name!- and He doesn't do anything to stop it. How people can serve Him their whole lives and end up in such terrible circumstances.

So all these questions piled up, I took on more and more projects and ministries and church stuff, and I forgot about Jesus, cause I was too concerned with Jesus activities. So ironic. I read my Bible sometimes and prayed, but I didn't take the time I needed to take to really know Him at the level I should have for all the ministry I was trying to handle. I was too busy with the other stuff. I didn't talk to anyone about my lack of depth because it didn't feel acceptable. Everyone else seemed to have their stuff together. And I honestly didn't understand the scope of what was going on. I really didn't know I was drowning myself.

So I stuck it out, kept playing the games and exhausting myself, kept putting up with the emotional bullying and even kept a smile on my face most of the time. Then one event happened that pushed me over the edge, and all of a sudden I was face-to-face with the hillbilly zombie, AKA my soul. Who I really was came right to the surface and everything I had built on that tiny foundation fell right down on top of me. Crushed isn't a strong enough word for it. I was ruined. Everything I thought I had known or believed in was stripped from me.

Sounds dramatic but I'm not exaggerating it. For several months I couldn't even convince myself that God loved me. How could He, when His own people would do such terrible things to me, and I found myself defenseless and with nothing to show for all the years of work and abuse? I stood fast for the right things for years and I found myself emptyhanded, my character questioned, feeling utterly abandoned by man and God. Turns out God was still there.

I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to work on my lack of spiritual depth. I didn't want to try to reconcile all of my questions. I wanted to wallow and rest and I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired of fighting against all of the "sacred cows" the church has protected all these years when no one seemed interested in changing. Of trying to start a new thing, a love revolution. Of spending all of my time trying to help people understand that God was about love, not condemnation.

Then here I was, finding myself doubting if God ever loved me at all.

It was too much to bear. I let it all slip away. I basically just said, screw it, if this is what I get for all these years of work then I don't even know if I want this. The church can have its little rules and regulations and try to scare people into religion, good luck with that. Who in this world needs more fear and stress? People need to know love. Real love that sacrifices for others. Instead what we've created is a monster. A church hillbilly zombie with a pretty face. That raises its hands at the right moment in worship and doesn't let other zombies know that it has a gambling problem or a sex addiction or is having an affair.

Does that sound vindictive? I don't mean it to be but I'm very passionate and still pretty raw about the subject.

I DON'T WANT A PRETTY FACE. I'd rather you see me for the ugly I have inside than to ever think I've got it all together because the outside is all Maybellined. Yes, that's a word. Cause I just made it one.

What WAS the point of this blog, anyway? I got all off track. Oh yea, the facade. I'm no longer willing to let myself go to some point in life where I'll feel comfortable leaving my issues unaddressed. Where I can sit on the comfortable pew, hide and go with the flow and skate along in life. It leaves me unsatisfied and empty.

I'm not back to 100%. I'll tell you that right now. I still can't convince myself that I ever want to go back to what I had those past few years, and I'm still very gun-shy when it comes to ministry. It's an open wound. Every time a Christian does something selfish or fake I feel myself retreat. I want nothing to do with it. I'm not super healthy spiritually. I want to get better but I have to do it the right way. I need to start from the ground up every day, it seems.

Ground up, got it. Kinda like the hillbilly zombie. But with less brain-eating.

Cakes, Faith, And Life

I have a wedding cake due in a week.

Usually having a wedding cake on the horizon causes a mild, week-long anxiety attack for me. I don't have a large facility to do cakes in, it's just me, my humble (but most appreciated) kitchen, my small but functional stash of tools, and my deep love for all things sugary. It's stressful up to the moment the cake is on the table looking all perfect, cause the last thing I want to do is mess up someone's wedding cake. It's kind of a big day for them. And while I'm confident in my abilities, it's just me. If something goes wrong I don't have a team of decorators and a commercial kitchen to help me fix anything.

This week, I'm not worried at all. Even though life in general has been nuts and I may or may not have broken down crying at least once every 3 days, I feel calm and confident about this week and this cake. I don't know what changed, but I'm actually looking forward to it.

I love making cakes for others. It's almost become taboo for a lot of people to use sweets as comfort food, but for me, giving someone a treat to brighten their day completely makes mine. It's a simple thing, and probably most people really don't get it, but in my mind, cupcakes=nurture.

Enought about food. Speaking about life being nuts... I don't need to go into rambling details, but the last few weeks have been hard. There have been a few days where I wanted to give up all together on the challenges ahead of me, but I refuse to. I know I can make it through and the feeling of triumph I'll feel as I look back is gonna make it all worth it. But I must say how something really brightened in me when a friend took me aside and told me simply that he knew I could do it. That I am good at what I do and I'm not going to fail.

It meant a lot. I can pep talk myself over and over, but after a while it becomes less of an inspiration and more of a coping mechanism. "(monotone voice) I can do this. I can do this.".. But when someone else looks me in the eye and says I'm not gonna fail, it really bolsters my confidence. It's energizing. I CAN do this.

On a more serious note. Something my pastor said today really cut to my core. It's simple enough, but really busted through some of the defenses (excuses) I've been using lately to justify the unfamiliar journey my life has become lately. He said this - "What you believe isn't what you SAY you believe. What you believe is what you DO". Seems a little obvious, but when I heard that I instantly felt it cutting to my core. I've been living in a way that I've never lived before - letting myself think that God isn't relevant for me anymore, that I've seen too many unexplainable things and too many Christians treating each other in crappy terrible ways, to believe that I really need to devote my life to him anymore. That I can live a "good person" kind of life and that's enough. Telling myself that because I say in my heart that I'm a Christian and I talk to God occasionally I'm doing alright.

What I realized is that my actions are saying something other than what I'm claiming with my mouth. My actions say that I can handle life on my own, that I can figure out my own way from here on. That God and Christians have let me down enough, already, just let me muddle though from here without setting any expectations that are inevitably going to fall short, without trusting anyone else, human or divine.

I say I still have faith and that I believe, but my actions say that I don't.

This scared me, frankly. It still kinda does. Where exactly DO I stand in all this? I can't imagine a life in which God is completely out of the picture. It sounds bleak and desperate. But I can no longer imagine living the life I lived for the past few years - one in which church and all its functions were all I lived for.

I'm not good at balance. It's usually all or nothing for me, which doesn't often end up well. I absolutely have to find the correct balance in trusting God and doing the things He would have me do in my life, without becoming a religious automaton that can't even explain why she believes the things she does. I can't just blindly do "churchy" things and expect that I'm earning my way to a blissful eternity.

The thing is, eternity is a gift. I can't earn it regardless of what I do. It's been granted to me by a gracious Father simply because I trusted and believed in the sacrifice that was made for me to have access to that gift. Of course, I want to think that my good life and generous deeds have something to do with it, but the fact is, they don't.

The good deeds should be a symptom, a natural overflowing of a life that's filled to the brim with friendship with God. We become like those we admire, that we spend time with. We don't do good to earn God's love, we do good because His love for us is too great for us to contain, it has to spill out.

Not to say that only those that follow Christ do good in the world. There are many people doing many amazing and impactful things to better the world, and who claim to have no relationship with God, and no need for one. The difference is the limit. They can only give until they have no more human capacity to give. Christians are just funnels. We can pour out love on the world as long as we remain open to do so, and in contact with the source of love, God.

Weird. I just start typing and all these thought start pouring out. I hope they make sense and that I'm not coming across as a religious weirdo.

Cause I'm not. I'm messed up. I am the farthest thing from perfect that you can imagine. Sometimes I don't even try to be good cause I'm weary and frustrated. Cause I feel like it doesn't matter how good I am, or how much I try. I'm not trying to be depressing, just truthful. I'm human and messed up and so, so, hard on myself. A friend recently told me I have to start giving myself a little more grace and I just started bawling. I desperately want grace. I feel like nothing I do is good enough and that I'll never, never measure up. I want to feel like I'm worthy of the love that God has given me.

But I don't have to. The beauty of it all is that I never have been and I never will be worthy of His love, but He gives it anyway, unfailingly. He loves me when I'm at church singing and when I'm so angry and beaten down by life that I throw a book down on a counter and curse. He loves me when I'm giving a dollar to a homeless man and when I've completely given up.

I am who I am, and I have gone through the things I have gone through, so that I can connect with the people in my life and show them a little bit about a God who loves the unloveable. The desperate. He loves those who fear, those who put all their faith in themselves, those who've been let down by the church and walked away. Those who don't care either way, and those that hate Him.

This won't resolve overnight, this conflict within me. But I have a little more resolve today to just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Cause what do we do? We swim.

Precipice

I've felt recently like I'm standing on the edge of something. Ready to either turn back and run, or jump over the edge and see if I land on my feet, or on my head.

I've lost faith.

I've become so overwhelmed with people doing selfish, damaging things to me in the name of Christianity that I'm having trouble separating Jesus from His followers. Christians have inflicted so much damage on me, in the guise of following Christ, that all of a sudden it feels like not only do Christians not love me, but God doesn't love me.

It's a long way to fall from where I thought I was. I've never before actually doubted God's love for me because of the actions of men. My head still tells me that there is a difference, that humans do dumb things, selfish, terrible, narrow-minded things, but God is separate from all that. Just because someone claims to speak in the name of God doesn't actually mean that God endorses what they said, or did.

But after a few events last year, I just can't get over it somehow. It's like everything I did, everything I believed in, was all smoke and mirrors. All that talk of changing the world was pointless because I couldn't even change myself. How can we love others when we can't even love those closest to us? How can we see miracles or salvation or spiritual freedom if we can't even keep ourselves spiritually healthy?

Why is it that those who have the most disregard for others, who consistantly put themselves first and others last, always seem to end up with what they want, and those who try to sacrifice themselves for others get continually stepped on, and stepped over?

It's not just. It's not right. And it's not even what the Bible teaches - that "the first will be last, and the last will be first". It's more like, "the meek will be last, and the bullies will be first".

I just don't understand this, and I'm so, so weary of the fight. I don't want to battle so hard for something that has no results. I've given years of my life to this cause, trying to change people's lives for the better, and all I've ended up with is being spiritually and emotionally beaten down by people who said they cared about me. And a "spiritual high" after every pumped up concert or conference, with no evidence of anything being changed permanently, either in myself or in others. It all fell apart under the years of pressure. It didn't stand. How can I percieve it to be anything other than a facade?

I'm on the cliff. It's either give up on it all together, or find a way to overcome this bitterness that's trying to kill my soul. I'm in real danger and I don't have the solution.

I let myself become apathetic cause it's easier than facing the difficult questions and trying to find the answers. Now that I actually want to fight, I have no ammo and no will left to do it. I'm sick of being beaten down at every turn. I just want peace.

I feel like it's time to head back to square one. I can't change the past and maybe I don't even need to understand it, maybe I just need to forget it. Forget all the lights and low-end and go back to the very beginning, the simplicity of trying to learn who Jesus is and how I can best follow in His footsteps and teach others to do the same.

Remind myself of the reason I decided to follow Jesus in the first place, because of his very great love for me.

I'll never have all the answers or explanations. I don't know why things are supposed to be one way and they certainly seem like they are another way. But I've lived long enough under the guidance and shelter of a selfless teacher that I can keep walking alongside Him even when I don't understand Him.

Unexplainable.

It's funny where life takes us.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would somehow still have the same major highlights even if I had made different decisions along the way.

I got my current job, a job I really love, because I was coming out of culinary school and needed an internship, but I wonder if somehow I would have still ended up working where I am if I had never chosen to train as a pastry chef.

My mental and emotional health made a swift recovery when I chose to quit a stressful job years ago and pursue a career I'd love, but I suspect that I would have ended up finding myself peaceful and in my favored career path even if I hadn't had the courage to walk away from what was secure at the time.

I met the majority of my closest friends because I happened to choose a certain church to attend when I was a teenager, but I think it's possible we would still have ended up in each other's lives even if I had gone to the church down the road.

I've always believed that God has a hand in the directions our lives take, especially when we choose to let Him direct us. But even in the times where we decide to control our own paths, I still believe that He watches over us and often steps in to intervene when we want to make those inevitable, really bad, decisions.

Because He loves us.

But I can't explain why it is that He sometimes doesn't step in when really terrible things happen. I find myself questioning sometimes, why doesn't He do something? Why do my loved ones suffer with terrible injuries and diseases? Why do some people within my church family treat each other so badly, and then pretend they don't? If God loves us all so much, why do good people go through such bad things sometimes?

It bothers me, this apparent conflict. It bothers me when I can't explain things logically. But then I have to remind myself that faith isn't about logic. There are many things about faith that CAN be thought about and reconciled in a logical manner. Things that I see evidence of, that I see truth in, even some of the smaller things that I can accept as not making complete sense to my finite mind, and choosing to apply my faith to.

It's the larger things that I have to really struggle to get behind, when I just can't explain them. Things like I mentioned above. If God loves us like I've been told all my life, why so much suffering?

I've often attributed suffering to human selfishness, error, and greed. I do believe that so many tragic things in the world can be explained by the fact that we have free will, and when we exercise that free will and make decisions of any sort, people around us are inevitable affected, both positively and negatively. We often like to take credit for the positive and blame God for the negative, but that's not really fair now, is it?

Things like cancer and chronic pain and siblings being murdered on the street - those things I can't help but ask God why He didn't step in. Why can't He heal my mom, when the Bible says He is a healer? Why did my friend's sister die on the street at the hands of an abusive ex, leaving a baby behind, when He is supposed to be a defender of the defenseless? Why do we and our loved ones suffer from cancers and seizures and on and on and on, when we serve Him faithfully for years?

The truth is, I don't know. I may never know. But this is faith. Trusting that even if you can't see the results, the reasons behind things, you can still believe.

I'm not gonna lie and tell you that there are not some days where I don't know if I can keep trusting in a God that lets this kind of stuff happen. That I never have a doubt or a fear, that everyday is rainbows and sunshine. I'm a natural person that believes in a supernatural God, and that causes a collision of faith and logic in my life from time to time.

I guess it comes down to this: I made a choice. I do believe in God and that His nature is love. I'm not going to change or give up on a core principle of what I believe just because I can't explain everything in the manner I'd like to see it explained.

And though I've seen plenty of suffering and pain and sadness, I've seen an overwhelming amount of the opposite in my life as well, and the lives of every person I know. God has guided me through so many terrible things, made all of the pieces fall into place when I could have never done it myself, and brought so many downright amazing things into my life. He has used my life experiences, family, friends and the awareness of His love to make me into who I am now, and who I am becoming in the future.

I'm far from perfect. I make bad decisions and choices. I keep doing the same things over and over again that I know are destructive for me, yet He never gives up on me. He never ceases to remind me that in spite of everything, He still loves me for who I am, not because I've been good and holy enough to have earned His love for another month or two. He still loves to bring good things into my life. He still protects me from the things I may have never even have seen coming.

I guess I'll have to leave it at that for now. Anyone who knows me knows that I try to be as transparent as possible in my life. I don't have all the answers and often I write just to try to figure out things myself, in the hope that someone else can learn from my wanderings.

It's Christmas. 2011. Take a moment to reflect today. Think about the good things, think about the bad things, take the good from the negative situations, and move on. Love like you've never been hurt. Believe.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Love, Yo.

I am a ponderer. (Or, so I've been told.)

I think about stuff a lot. A lot. When I'm driving. When I'm doing laundry. When I'm working. Sometimes even when I'm sleeping. What can I say? I'm a multi-tasker.

The result of all this thinking is that I end up coming to some conclusions. Sometimes these thoughts are influenced by my emotions, because I am a girl. Usually I can overlook the emotion and get to the truth of things though.

I thought I'd write about some truths I find to be in existence, and at the forefront of my life, right now.

1. - I believe in love.
I'm a sucker for love (yes, I mean romantic-type love). It never works out for me but I still seek it out. I keep coming back for more. Opening myself up to love others has the most power to damage me out of anything else in my life, yet when I think I find it, I joyfully abandon myself to it. I'm like those fish you see that just fling themselves out of the water and splash back down in it. I immerse myself. I swim. I become so devoted to love that I will keep myself in what might otherwise be an unhealthy situation just to give someone one..more...chance. And eventually they come around. But usually it's when they're with someone else. (Go ahead, give me an "awwwww".)

When it doesn't work out, I get sad, but I keep swimming around, trying not to bite any worm-baited hooks, til the next lunker comes along. Every 3 years or so. Hahaha.

No, I'm serious. I have a boyfriend every three years or so. Or, if you look at it this way... I've had like 15 "date-able" years so far... and 3 boyfriends. So I'm actually averaging 1 every 5 years! Didn't you start reading this blog just because there was an off chance that you'd get a glimpse into the patheticness (not a real word) of my love life? Well, there ya go. Drink it in. Just think, you won't have to read any love blogs from me for like 4.9 years.

Wow, I'll be getting close to 40 by then. O_O


2. - I believe in second chances.
But strangely enough, I believe in second chances for others way more than I believe in them for myself. I want to smack myself for the things I've done to mess up my life over the years. But if someone else had done the same things, I'd just want to make them a cupcake and tell them everything will work out, that I wouldn't dream of not forgiving them.
But I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I'll give people chance after chance, even if it's killing me inside, until either a.) they give up - ironically, b.) I finally give up, or c.) I run away cause I'm scared.

All of the above choices have actually happened.

Sounds a bit unhealthy, actually. But I've never claimed to have it all together. I just like to talk about my stuff and see if someone else can learn from it before they do the same thing. Or just talk about it for pure entertainment value.

No one should ever be cut off from others because of one failure. We have to learn to give each other second chances. I'm so freakin imperfect that I literally would have no one around me if everyone I love hadn't given me second chances over the years. Yes, there are people who decided not to give me a second chance, and I guess I'll never know what would have happened if they had.. I might have just ruined that chance too. But that's not for me to dwell on. Or for you to dwell on. If you've lost a friend because they wouldn't give you a second chance, you're probably better off without them anyway. Harsh. But true.

3. - I believe that love is stronger than fear.
Simply put, when we choose to love in the face of uncertainty, we prove that love is stronger than fear. Nothing is certain in life except for that on which we set our hearts. We can make the choice to not love because we are afraid, but that doesn't mean love isn't stronger. It's like facing a chihuahua with a bulldog. We all know whose little Latino face is gonna get ripped off when the rumble starts, right? But if we never let the bulldog off the leash, and the chihuahua walks away with all appendages intact, does that mean the chihuahua was stronger? Nope. No way. Love is like a bulldog, baby. It will OWN fear if you let it.

Don't be afraid to love. It's too fantastic to miss, even during its bad moments. Which leads to my last one:

4. - I believe that love is a choice.
It's not always easy to love. It's downright ridiculous sometimes. It sucks to smile and kiss the face of someone who has hurt you. It's like injustice is stabbing you with a genuine Hattori Hanzo when you choose to take the higher road and treat someone with love and respect and they are walking all over you. It's not easy to keep your focus on the person who no longer seems to cause that "spark" in you, especially when there seem to be so many other options out there.

What is easy is letting your love fade or letting yourself get distracted by all the other things out there that want your time.

Some days, we have to choose to fight for love.

And when you make the choice to love even when you don't feel like it, something in you becomes even more attached to the object of your affection than it ever was before. Sparks and passion are great, but stability, faithfulness, devotion, and really knowing someone because you've been through it all with them are way better, in my opinion.

You might say, "What is this chick talking about? She's a failure at love."

You're right, I am. But the thing is - I'm not giving up. I'll keep trying until I get it right, and when I get it right, it's gonna be fantastic.

Besides, I'm a hopeless romantic with a lot of time to think about this stuff. Let me do all the pondering for you. :)

Knights In Shining.. V-Necks.

I'm just gonna go ahead and put this out there:

There are no knights in shining armor.

Sorry, ladies, but you wouldn't want them anyway. They would be all sweaty and gross under all that metal.

There are, however, knights in v-necks. Heroes in Toms. Soldiers in skinny ties. There are real guys out there who are fighting for good, in a normal, down-to-earth-way.

Those who put on their work clothes every morning and head out, treating everyone they meet to a sweet smile and a healthy dose of grace, no matter how they treat him.

Ones who wear Clark Kent glasses but inside have the resilient heart of a superhero, that would firmly stand by, and quietly defend, those who are hurting.

Some who may themselves be suffering, but decide to overlook their pain in order to teach others how to heal.

A few who have had dark pasts, but choose to look at the beauty in the everyday, and always have an encouraging word to say to someone.

Some of them are quiet but would fight to the end if someone they loved were threatened.

Some of them are loud but inside they care more than anyone else you know, you just have to look for it.

Unassuming, but powerful. Goofy, but grounded. Talent in a plain wrapper. Peace underneath the swagger.

We are all more than we seem to be on the surface.. it's worth the time to dig deeper into those around you that you think you may know. There's probably a lot more to them than you ever realized.

What's Your Dream?

I've discovered that I like to hear about other people's dreams. Not dreams as in "what crazy stories my mind played out when I was sleeping last night", but "what I dream of doing/being/seeing in my life."

Sometimes I forget to invest in my own dreams. I haven't had much desire to dream lately because I've been a little single-minded. But usually, at any given time in my life, there is one dream that won't go away no matter what I do. It just gets stronger.

I'm pretty good at talking myself into things. I can truly convince myself of the potential in someone or something. As well as the opposite - I can make myself so afraid of trying something because of the potential to fail, that I'll be able to completely set it aside as impossible. Even if it's really not.

This can be tough because when something breaks into my understood reality and new perspective comes flooding in, I feel... lost. I can't believe the things I've convinced myself of. On the other hand this can be great because it can cause such a focus that I'll do almost anything to reach my goal.

I know what I dream of today. But the future, at least the near future, doesn't seem to have this dream in it. That's ok. I can wait if I have to. What I really want to hear about is YOUR dreams. What's on your heart to accomplish this day, this week, this year? Who do you want to be tomorrow?

Help me dream again. :)

All The Single Ladies... OK, All The Ladies.

I found this when I was browsing StumbleUpon, which every one in the world needs to check out. It's full of great random pictures, websites, blogs, and music.
Something else every one in the world needs to check out - Maroon 5's newest album. It's incredible. The quality of music and writing more than makes up for the fact the Adam Levine is so damn ugly these days. You don't think about his face or tattoos at all when listening. Really. Or his abs. Especially not those.

Ahem.

Back on subject. This was a random blog from what appeared to be Iceland.. this particular part was in English but the rest was in.. some other language. It was called "50 Things She Wishes You Knew".

I cut out a few cause they were lame or too risque. The notes in parentheses are mine. :)

Universal truths that all men should understand:

Real men drive stick shift.
I will leave if you lie.
You are cute in those two-toned baseball shirts. (amen, sista!)
I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
"Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. (Details, please.)
I smile simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
I expect you to call me.
Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. (um, Adam Levine!!!!!)
I'm scared of losing my independence.
I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. (And I'll probably continue to be, as long as you don't take advantage of it.)
Manolo Blahnik shoes are your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card.
You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm really not. See above.
Your shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it (or in my case, a Backstreet Boys CD.)
When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
The ideal man plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
You look hot in hooded clothing items. (So true. Why is that, anyway?Also thermal shirts. I melt. In a good way.)
If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
I want to be Madonna. (Or in my case, Rihanna)
I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, and holding a baby. (Truth.)
I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
Surprises = love.
I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you - and for you to recognize this.
I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't really know it yourself.
Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns you bonus points.
It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
I remember everything about our relationship.

This made me smile. Unlike Adam Levine's 5 'o clock shadow. THAT just makes me cringe.

Assigned Value

Man, I wish I had a laptop. I really wanted to write this post while watching Kill Bill but my desktop is ancient and distinctly non-portable. So I wrote it all out on this old-fashioned stuff called "paper" and typed it all back in. Cause I'm cool like that.

As I was driving around today I was thinking about a situation I had a while back, where a friend told me that the way another friend was treating me was "not good enough" for the person that I am. That I had more value than letting myself be treated this way.

This happens to me every so often. I guess it means that I settle. A lot.

But I don't feel like I settle. I feel like I have to take what I can get in life. Friendships, jobs, relationships, opportunities to see my dreams come to pass... I get what I get, even if it's not always ideal, cause that's all I deserve. For being a huge advocate of women in particular understanding their value, it's pretty ironic that I can't seem to see my own.

Most of the people in my life that I sought to receive an affirmation of value from have treated me in ways that said I had little, or no, actual value to them. Not in every situation, of course, but they have done enough seriously messed up things to me that I think, in my core, I just believe that it's what I'm worth.

Being lied to. Being told I am a forerunner, a leader with a bright future, only to have my integrity questioned and subsequently thrown out of my position just because the squeakiest wheel wouldn't shut up. Being dumped for other girls. Turning my family against me in order to protect themselves. Telling me I don't have talent. Telling me I have a bad attitude. Leaving me. Verbally abusing me. Ignoring me.

Sometimes it was due to neglect. Sometimes it was selfishness, and a few times it was with the intention to hurt me, probably driven by the need to ease the ache of the pain inflicted on them. Regardless, the fact is that those I placed the greatest trust in betrayed me in the most spectacular manner possible.

Any wonder why I don't see myself as valuable?

And the things that have happened to me are small compared to what many other people go through.

Any wonder why so many people don't see themselves as valuable?

I've even started to question the depth of my value to God. I grew up as a Christian, always being told "Jesus loves me" and such phrases, many of which most of us have heard at one point or another. I never really doubted that, even in the face of terrible circumstances, because I was always able to understand that the actions of man are very often not a direct reflection of the mind of God. People do things. God is still God.

I've been in such a downward spiral lately that I've become consumed with the bad things people have done to me. And I can't stop thinking of all the terrible things I've done in my life, to others as well as just to myself. And all this spiraling and doubting makes me seriously sad. Everything I've believed in for my entire life is being questioned by my soul because people can be terrible to each other.

The thing is, I know truth when I see it. It's just been buried under such a mountain of hurt and destruction lately that I can't seem to even set eyes on it again. How do I dig out?

The first way I try to handle things is the "All Is Well" method. Basically pretending that nothing is wrong. Or having an idea that something is wrong, but ignoring it, because "Christians aren't supposed to have issues". That's bull. Pardon me, but it is. Christians are people, and people go through things. We have issues like everyone else. Just because the church in general has tried to make it seem like Christians are somehow set above everyone else doesn't make it true. So, lying to myself and saying it's all ok, when it's really not, is pretty pointless.

Sometimes I go for the "White Knight" method. I seek refuge in people, those who can "rescue" me from my emotional wreckage and help me up. Who will help me remember who I am, and what I am worth. Usually this doesn't work out. Because we are all flawed. We all make mistakes and cannot support each other 100% of the time. So when the knight I've chosen falls from his or her trusty steed and messes up, I get terrified and put up the walls. "Oh, time to start taking care of everything myself again. No need to trust anyone.. they will only let me down."

This leads to my next method... the "Self Protect/Self Destruct" method. I create a sort of emotional shell and cut myself off from those who could potentially help me, not letting people know what's really going on deep down, telling myself that I'll just get through it myself and not burden anyone else with my issues. This leads to the second half of the method - "self-destruct" - when I start to crumble and instead of turning outward for help, I go numb. Which leads to more and more self destructive behavior. Because when I'm numb, I can't hurt. And when I can't hurt, I don't feel guilt. It's safer that way. Until your bank account is empty because you're compulsively spending, and your heart is broken because you tried to fix the hurt in the arms of a man who is also damaged.

Guess which ones I've been doing lately? Ding ding ding! You got it.

I'm all busted up. I'm wrecked. Broken dreams. Broken spirit. Broken heart. My soul aches every day for the pain of lost vision and lost love. I put everything of myself into chasing a dream that was kicked out from under me because of gossip, religion, and poor communication. I gave all of myself to try to start a relationship with someone that just wasn't able to reciprocate. I'm tired of hurting and crying and pretending it's all ok.

It will all be ok eventually. I know this. There will be new opportunities for me. Of this, I have no doubt. I write this to encourage anyone who is also suffering to just persevere.

Acknowledge that you are hurt. Find the cause and address it. Don't run away from it or seek distractions that will take your mind off of it. Face it head on. Decide what of the situation was your fault, and make the decision to change your behavior. Once your mind is truly made up, your heart will follow suit.

I choose to move on from this point. Sure, it's likely I will have a few more crying jags, and the ache isn't just gonna disappear. But I make the decision, now, that I will take the good from these situations and go forth with it, and build something new in the midst of the ashes.

Make the choice to forgive. There will be no healing unless you release others. It doesn't make them right or any less guilty. It just frees your heart and mind to move on.

I choose to forgive. I release those who turned against me, intentionally or inadvertently, and I hope that they can learn from these things, as I am learning. I am as guilty as anyone else of treating people badly at one time or another, and my decision is to forgive myself as well as others for the things that went wrong.

Lastly, make a game plan. Decide what steps you need to take to heal, and do them. Seek out people who will support you as you get back on your feet. Don't freak out when they mess up and say or do something that hurts you a little. They are human too. Get counseling if you need it. Blog. Write a song. Paint a picture. Go on a 3 day wilderness hike and make yourself remember who you are (leave an itinerary, please. Don't go all 127 Hours on us). Get a hamster. Buy a Camaro, for all I care. Just don't forget that the payments will be there long after the hurt is gone. :)

I choose to lean on my friends and family right now for support. I choose to accept that they may possibly say or do something that is less than helpful to me right now, and decide now to let it go and return to them the grace that they are so generously extending to me. I choose to keep seeking out the avenues that will help me get my thoughts straight and choose to make good decisions in the healing process, so I won't have a bunch of regrets and consequences of bad decisions hanging over me when this mess is all over with.

I posted the other day that "happy is a choice". I took it down because I realized that I didn't really believe it, that there are circumstances in which we just can't be happy no matter what we "choose". What I do believe is this - "Taking steps toward happy is a choice".

So, wounded soldiers, start walking towards happy. And if you're not wounded, hold the hand of someone who is. They will appreciate it. I guarantee it. And they will likely be there to walk with you if you find yourself on the other side.

Don't Quote Me On This, But...

I didn't say any of these quotes. Have fun figuring out who did. :)

"He (Bradley Cooper) IS hot. I totally have a man crush on him."

"They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink, so you don't miss anything."

"I have been bound by the shackles of love, and I don't mind if I die tied up."

"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."

"What once was hurt, what once was friction.. what left a mark no longer stings. Because grace makes beauty out of ugly things"

"I brought you flours."

"Screw you, 7-10 days!"

"I'm all about the V-neck shirts on men, but sir, there isn't anything sexy about a V-neck that comes to your bellybutton"


Hope something there made ya smile. :)

Ah, The American Dream

Something strange happened to me this weekend. Well, I'm sure there was more than one strange thing, but this one stood out to me enough to blog about it.

I wanted a family.

Now don't misunderstand, I do have a great family. Parents, siblings, a niece and nephew (and one on the way!) that I adore and that love me. Aunts, uncles, and cousins galore. I guess I could say it this way:

I wanted kids.

This is not normal for me. I love kids. I've just never been the girl who could see herself in the 2 kids-station wagon-suburban house mold. Never been against it, just couldn't see it for myself. But I was out shopping the other day and saw all the families doing their back to school shopping, and something in me just kinda... longed.

Seeing the dads and sons dressed in their matching Duck gear, the dads telling their young daughters that they MAY NOT have those platform sandals - the mom standing by, nodding in agreement - something about it seemed so.. secure. Domestic. Wonderful.

Maybe it's just an off day for me, I don't know. I think what I long for is something stable and long-term. My life has been comprised of a series of changes and upheavals. Something has always been in transition, temporary, or fleeting. So many things that I thought I could count on, or that seemed like they would last forever, didn't.

I'm pretty sure I just want to have something steady. I love the idea of having the security of knowing where I'm gonna be in 5 years. Who I'm gonna be waking up next to. Planning for birthday parties, field trips, college. I guess that's pretty normal. But I've never felt like I was a normal girl.

I was realizing tonight, when thinking about this blog, that I really do feel like I'm not normal. I've always kind of lived in this bubble. When I was young, it was a bubble of religion. You act a certain way, believe certain things, and go to church, and things will turn out. You'll go to heaven eventually. You may or may not live a satisfying life in the meantime.

Then it became a bubble of self-protection. As things in my family deconstructed and I found myself in desperate circumstances, I turned inward to protect myself. I didn't trust anyone. Still have trouble with that, actually. I relied only on myself to take care of me.. because everyone else who was supposed to have taken care of me either had bailed, turned against me, or was busy trying to preserve themselves.

Then came what I call the bubble of anti-religion. I started to become so opposed to the idea of practicing religion, following rules and regulations just for the sake of following them or because it's been done that way for a looooong time, that I kinda went too far to the opposite direction. I started to almost despise anything that had to do with the rules of religion. I relied to much on the fact that God has grace for us when we mess up, and started to stop taking enough care in developing a relationship with Jesus, which is really all that the Bible asks us to do. That, and love others more than we love ourselves.

I've kinda always lived in extremes. All the way to one side or the other, no middle ground. This is also why I feel like I'm not really normal.

I got a taste of balance lately. I felt like a normal girl. And I want that back.

I was listening to a song tonight that had these lyrics:

"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside."

And I really couldn't tell if who I really am inside was the girl who lives to extremes and misses out on all the wonderful, normal, stuff in order to shoot for the extraordinary; or the girl who has stability but maybe doesn't exactly burn like a world-changing rocket all of the time.

I think that inside, I'm the second one. I'm tired of forcing myself to live this life of extremes, never feeling like a regular person cause I'm always so busy trying to accomplish the miraculous, which never seems to come about anyway.

I want my taste of normal back.

But I don't think I'm gonna get it. The reality is this: I don't fit in either way. I've tried sacrificing all the things I long for in order to try to change the world, and the world stayed the same. I've tried making a difference in the world on a smaller scale and focusing on seeing my dreams become reality, and the dreams still fell apart.

I'm in a strange limbo, a cryogenic stasis of the soul. Nothing is changing outwardly, but inside - atrophy. Both worlds rejected me. And I don't know if it's cause I'm simply inadequate, or because I'm still living to an unreasonable extreme. I've been told that you can have both, that you can make a difference in the world and still see your dreams comes true. I think I'm just worn out from the battle of trying to make both happen, and in the process, seeing neither happen.

Sometimes I just want a SUV and a picket fence.

But I've learned over the years that I can be content wherever I am. I suppose it's not abnormal to long for certain things, even if I can never really convince myself that I'll have them. I guess that in a way, it's what drives us to achieve more than we are now. It's what keeps us going.

Because I really don't think I'll get my back to school shopping trip or my picket fence. But that tiny hope inside of me that thinks "maybe... just maybe..." keeps me trying for it.

I don't mean to be negative, especially in light of the overwhelming positivity of some of my previous blog posts (not the last one, I know). I believe everything I write. I hope you don't feel like I'm a hypocrite for expounding on such hopeful faith before and writing about such longing and seeking now.

I believe that sometimes even people who have strong faith in things can have doubts and questions. It's how we work through them that matters.

It's ok to question. It's ok to learn. It's ok to doubt, because in working through doubt, we find out what it is that we truly believe in and stand for.

So find what you stand for. Then, stand.

Random Thoughts For Those Who Hurt

It's ok to go through things.

It's best to lean on close friends when things get hard. Trust in the people who have proven that they love you.

You don't have to have all the right words to say to someone who is sad. Sometimes a hug is enough.

Sometimes a hug is more than enough.

Even if the broken heart is our own fault, it still feels empty inside.

Sometimes it's not our fault. Still feels empty inside. I checked.

There is nothing too big to overcome if you trust in the right things.

Out of suffering, beautiful things can be formed.

Beautiful things can be formed out of happy times too.

Memories will linger. Sometimes they make you smile, sometimes they feel like they are hollowing out your soul. Be careful what you are putting in your head, cause it ain't going anywhere for quite a while.

When you are hurting, choose your words more carefully than ever. You can never erase it once it's out of your mouth.

This, too, will pass. It really will.

Don't be afraid to cry. Even if you are a big macho guy.

It's ok not to be strong or have it all together when you are being challenged. Your soul is being tempered into strength you've never had before, but first it has to be softened and reformed.

The things that challenge us the most always seem to be the things that end up molding us into the most beautiful shapes.

It's important to go through the steps of the grieving process when something bad happens. Just try not to linger on anger too long. It tends to turn to bitterness, which has no effect on anyone other than yourself.

Inspiring truths may or may not ease the pain. It doesn't diminish the truthfulness of their nature.

There are things that even shoe shopping can't fix. (gasp!)

Most importantly... don't do things that you know are going to damage you more, just because you are hurting. It's easy to shut yourself off from the world and the pain, and in doing so, make yourself numb to your own actions. Suffering can cause us to hide away, or self-medicate, or self-inflict. Don't let yourself believe that you are worth less just because someone may have treated you like you are. Sometimes people are blind. Don't let yourself become numb to the consequences of your actions just cause you are trying to dull the pain. The consequences will be waiting for you once you heal.

These things are on my mind cause I'm hurting. That's probably obvious. A few things have happened over the course of the last 2 months or so that have rocked me to my core. One situation was not my fault. One was. I take responsibility for it. I deserve to be hurting over it, and it's probably gonna affect me for a long time. The truth is, I was hurting so badly over the thing that was not my fault, I numbed myself to the pain by shutting myself off from everything. I don't think I felt any strong emotions for almost 2 weeks. I didn't care about doing right, and I didn't care about doing wrong.

This is a very dangerous place to be. Learn from my mistakes and don't fall for the lie that temporary distraction, as real as it may feel, will do any good for you in the long run.

I don't know how to end this one on a positive note. I'm still working through it all, though I've taken significant steps forward in the last few days.

Just don't give up, and don't give in. You're worth too much.

Relevant?

I want to be relevant.

Yes, I have faith. Some call it religion, though personally I shrink from the word. I don't follow rules and regulations just to follow them.

I believe in something bigger than myself.

I believe in love.

That's all that Jesus taught - love God above all else, and love others more than you love yourself. Can you imagine what the world would look like if we all acted like that?

Even just for one day?

It's not about following a set of rules to earn our holiness or earn our way into heaven. We can't earn it even if we try. It makes me sick that (some) Christians turn their backs on those who don't live up to their guidelines and are displaying "the bad sins" (say it in a deep scary voice for the best impact) - homosexuals, addicts, and so on - and wallow daily in the "little sins" - lying to each other, manipulating each other, and such.

Who are we trying to fool?

I am ashamed of myself when I recognize the signs of this kind of behavior creeping into my own life, and I am appalled at the state of Christianity in general some days for letting this kind of attitude prevail. Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of Christians living it out like they should - pouring themselves out for others, loving and respecting God above everything else. I see myself as this kind of Christian (but believe me, I fail at it sometimes).

That's the church I love, and long to continue to be a part of - and it is out there. The church is the people - a movement of people who are casting aside everything that's held us back in the past, and running forward with the goal of just loving God and loving people.

Relevant. I want to love others so that they can see and understand the love God has for them. That's all.

I can enjoy my life while I'm doing that, too. I don't have to be a nerdy, uptight recluse to be a Christian. In fact, I might go out dancing tonight just to prove it.

And I'll probably wear my new platform shoes. :)