Assigned Value

Man, I wish I had a laptop. I really wanted to write this post while watching Kill Bill but my desktop is ancient and distinctly non-portable. So I wrote it all out on this old-fashioned stuff called "paper" and typed it all back in. Cause I'm cool like that.

As I was driving around today I was thinking about a situation I had a while back, where a friend told me that the way another friend was treating me was "not good enough" for the person that I am. That I had more value than letting myself be treated this way.

This happens to me every so often. I guess it means that I settle. A lot.

But I don't feel like I settle. I feel like I have to take what I can get in life. Friendships, jobs, relationships, opportunities to see my dreams come to pass... I get what I get, even if it's not always ideal, cause that's all I deserve. For being a huge advocate of women in particular understanding their value, it's pretty ironic that I can't seem to see my own.

Most of the people in my life that I sought to receive an affirmation of value from have treated me in ways that said I had little, or no, actual value to them. Not in every situation, of course, but they have done enough seriously messed up things to me that I think, in my core, I just believe that it's what I'm worth.

Being lied to. Being told I am a forerunner, a leader with a bright future, only to have my integrity questioned and subsequently thrown out of my position just because the squeakiest wheel wouldn't shut up. Being dumped for other girls. Turning my family against me in order to protect themselves. Telling me I don't have talent. Telling me I have a bad attitude. Leaving me. Verbally abusing me. Ignoring me.

Sometimes it was due to neglect. Sometimes it was selfishness, and a few times it was with the intention to hurt me, probably driven by the need to ease the ache of the pain inflicted on them. Regardless, the fact is that those I placed the greatest trust in betrayed me in the most spectacular manner possible.

Any wonder why I don't see myself as valuable?

And the things that have happened to me are small compared to what many other people go through.

Any wonder why so many people don't see themselves as valuable?

I've even started to question the depth of my value to God. I grew up as a Christian, always being told "Jesus loves me" and such phrases, many of which most of us have heard at one point or another. I never really doubted that, even in the face of terrible circumstances, because I was always able to understand that the actions of man are very often not a direct reflection of the mind of God. People do things. God is still God.

I've been in such a downward spiral lately that I've become consumed with the bad things people have done to me. And I can't stop thinking of all the terrible things I've done in my life, to others as well as just to myself. And all this spiraling and doubting makes me seriously sad. Everything I've believed in for my entire life is being questioned by my soul because people can be terrible to each other.

The thing is, I know truth when I see it. It's just been buried under such a mountain of hurt and destruction lately that I can't seem to even set eyes on it again. How do I dig out?

The first way I try to handle things is the "All Is Well" method. Basically pretending that nothing is wrong. Or having an idea that something is wrong, but ignoring it, because "Christians aren't supposed to have issues". That's bull. Pardon me, but it is. Christians are people, and people go through things. We have issues like everyone else. Just because the church in general has tried to make it seem like Christians are somehow set above everyone else doesn't make it true. So, lying to myself and saying it's all ok, when it's really not, is pretty pointless.

Sometimes I go for the "White Knight" method. I seek refuge in people, those who can "rescue" me from my emotional wreckage and help me up. Who will help me remember who I am, and what I am worth. Usually this doesn't work out. Because we are all flawed. We all make mistakes and cannot support each other 100% of the time. So when the knight I've chosen falls from his or her trusty steed and messes up, I get terrified and put up the walls. "Oh, time to start taking care of everything myself again. No need to trust anyone.. they will only let me down."

This leads to my next method... the "Self Protect/Self Destruct" method. I create a sort of emotional shell and cut myself off from those who could potentially help me, not letting people know what's really going on deep down, telling myself that I'll just get through it myself and not burden anyone else with my issues. This leads to the second half of the method - "self-destruct" - when I start to crumble and instead of turning outward for help, I go numb. Which leads to more and more self destructive behavior. Because when I'm numb, I can't hurt. And when I can't hurt, I don't feel guilt. It's safer that way. Until your bank account is empty because you're compulsively spending, and your heart is broken because you tried to fix the hurt in the arms of a man who is also damaged.

Guess which ones I've been doing lately? Ding ding ding! You got it.

I'm all busted up. I'm wrecked. Broken dreams. Broken spirit. Broken heart. My soul aches every day for the pain of lost vision and lost love. I put everything of myself into chasing a dream that was kicked out from under me because of gossip, religion, and poor communication. I gave all of myself to try to start a relationship with someone that just wasn't able to reciprocate. I'm tired of hurting and crying and pretending it's all ok.

It will all be ok eventually. I know this. There will be new opportunities for me. Of this, I have no doubt. I write this to encourage anyone who is also suffering to just persevere.

Acknowledge that you are hurt. Find the cause and address it. Don't run away from it or seek distractions that will take your mind off of it. Face it head on. Decide what of the situation was your fault, and make the decision to change your behavior. Once your mind is truly made up, your heart will follow suit.

I choose to move on from this point. Sure, it's likely I will have a few more crying jags, and the ache isn't just gonna disappear. But I make the decision, now, that I will take the good from these situations and go forth with it, and build something new in the midst of the ashes.

Make the choice to forgive. There will be no healing unless you release others. It doesn't make them right or any less guilty. It just frees your heart and mind to move on.

I choose to forgive. I release those who turned against me, intentionally or inadvertently, and I hope that they can learn from these things, as I am learning. I am as guilty as anyone else of treating people badly at one time or another, and my decision is to forgive myself as well as others for the things that went wrong.

Lastly, make a game plan. Decide what steps you need to take to heal, and do them. Seek out people who will support you as you get back on your feet. Don't freak out when they mess up and say or do something that hurts you a little. They are human too. Get counseling if you need it. Blog. Write a song. Paint a picture. Go on a 3 day wilderness hike and make yourself remember who you are (leave an itinerary, please. Don't go all 127 Hours on us). Get a hamster. Buy a Camaro, for all I care. Just don't forget that the payments will be there long after the hurt is gone. :)

I choose to lean on my friends and family right now for support. I choose to accept that they may possibly say or do something that is less than helpful to me right now, and decide now to let it go and return to them the grace that they are so generously extending to me. I choose to keep seeking out the avenues that will help me get my thoughts straight and choose to make good decisions in the healing process, so I won't have a bunch of regrets and consequences of bad decisions hanging over me when this mess is all over with.

I posted the other day that "happy is a choice". I took it down because I realized that I didn't really believe it, that there are circumstances in which we just can't be happy no matter what we "choose". What I do believe is this - "Taking steps toward happy is a choice".

So, wounded soldiers, start walking towards happy. And if you're not wounded, hold the hand of someone who is. They will appreciate it. I guarantee it. And they will likely be there to walk with you if you find yourself on the other side.

Don't Quote Me On This, But...

I didn't say any of these quotes. Have fun figuring out who did. :)

"He (Bradley Cooper) IS hot. I totally have a man crush on him."

"They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink, so you don't miss anything."

"I have been bound by the shackles of love, and I don't mind if I die tied up."

"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."

"What once was hurt, what once was friction.. what left a mark no longer stings. Because grace makes beauty out of ugly things"

"I brought you flours."

"Screw you, 7-10 days!"

"I'm all about the V-neck shirts on men, but sir, there isn't anything sexy about a V-neck that comes to your bellybutton"


Hope something there made ya smile. :)

Ah, The American Dream

Something strange happened to me this weekend. Well, I'm sure there was more than one strange thing, but this one stood out to me enough to blog about it.

I wanted a family.

Now don't misunderstand, I do have a great family. Parents, siblings, a niece and nephew (and one on the way!) that I adore and that love me. Aunts, uncles, and cousins galore. I guess I could say it this way:

I wanted kids.

This is not normal for me. I love kids. I've just never been the girl who could see herself in the 2 kids-station wagon-suburban house mold. Never been against it, just couldn't see it for myself. But I was out shopping the other day and saw all the families doing their back to school shopping, and something in me just kinda... longed.

Seeing the dads and sons dressed in their matching Duck gear, the dads telling their young daughters that they MAY NOT have those platform sandals - the mom standing by, nodding in agreement - something about it seemed so.. secure. Domestic. Wonderful.

Maybe it's just an off day for me, I don't know. I think what I long for is something stable and long-term. My life has been comprised of a series of changes and upheavals. Something has always been in transition, temporary, or fleeting. So many things that I thought I could count on, or that seemed like they would last forever, didn't.

I'm pretty sure I just want to have something steady. I love the idea of having the security of knowing where I'm gonna be in 5 years. Who I'm gonna be waking up next to. Planning for birthday parties, field trips, college. I guess that's pretty normal. But I've never felt like I was a normal girl.

I was realizing tonight, when thinking about this blog, that I really do feel like I'm not normal. I've always kind of lived in this bubble. When I was young, it was a bubble of religion. You act a certain way, believe certain things, and go to church, and things will turn out. You'll go to heaven eventually. You may or may not live a satisfying life in the meantime.

Then it became a bubble of self-protection. As things in my family deconstructed and I found myself in desperate circumstances, I turned inward to protect myself. I didn't trust anyone. Still have trouble with that, actually. I relied only on myself to take care of me.. because everyone else who was supposed to have taken care of me either had bailed, turned against me, or was busy trying to preserve themselves.

Then came what I call the bubble of anti-religion. I started to become so opposed to the idea of practicing religion, following rules and regulations just for the sake of following them or because it's been done that way for a looooong time, that I kinda went too far to the opposite direction. I started to almost despise anything that had to do with the rules of religion. I relied to much on the fact that God has grace for us when we mess up, and started to stop taking enough care in developing a relationship with Jesus, which is really all that the Bible asks us to do. That, and love others more than we love ourselves.

I've kinda always lived in extremes. All the way to one side or the other, no middle ground. This is also why I feel like I'm not really normal.

I got a taste of balance lately. I felt like a normal girl. And I want that back.

I was listening to a song tonight that had these lyrics:

"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside."

And I really couldn't tell if who I really am inside was the girl who lives to extremes and misses out on all the wonderful, normal, stuff in order to shoot for the extraordinary; or the girl who has stability but maybe doesn't exactly burn like a world-changing rocket all of the time.

I think that inside, I'm the second one. I'm tired of forcing myself to live this life of extremes, never feeling like a regular person cause I'm always so busy trying to accomplish the miraculous, which never seems to come about anyway.

I want my taste of normal back.

But I don't think I'm gonna get it. The reality is this: I don't fit in either way. I've tried sacrificing all the things I long for in order to try to change the world, and the world stayed the same. I've tried making a difference in the world on a smaller scale and focusing on seeing my dreams become reality, and the dreams still fell apart.

I'm in a strange limbo, a cryogenic stasis of the soul. Nothing is changing outwardly, but inside - atrophy. Both worlds rejected me. And I don't know if it's cause I'm simply inadequate, or because I'm still living to an unreasonable extreme. I've been told that you can have both, that you can make a difference in the world and still see your dreams comes true. I think I'm just worn out from the battle of trying to make both happen, and in the process, seeing neither happen.

Sometimes I just want a SUV and a picket fence.

But I've learned over the years that I can be content wherever I am. I suppose it's not abnormal to long for certain things, even if I can never really convince myself that I'll have them. I guess that in a way, it's what drives us to achieve more than we are now. It's what keeps us going.

Because I really don't think I'll get my back to school shopping trip or my picket fence. But that tiny hope inside of me that thinks "maybe... just maybe..." keeps me trying for it.

I don't mean to be negative, especially in light of the overwhelming positivity of some of my previous blog posts (not the last one, I know). I believe everything I write. I hope you don't feel like I'm a hypocrite for expounding on such hopeful faith before and writing about such longing and seeking now.

I believe that sometimes even people who have strong faith in things can have doubts and questions. It's how we work through them that matters.

It's ok to question. It's ok to learn. It's ok to doubt, because in working through doubt, we find out what it is that we truly believe in and stand for.

So find what you stand for. Then, stand.

Random Thoughts For Those Who Hurt

It's ok to go through things.

It's best to lean on close friends when things get hard. Trust in the people who have proven that they love you.

You don't have to have all the right words to say to someone who is sad. Sometimes a hug is enough.

Sometimes a hug is more than enough.

Even if the broken heart is our own fault, it still feels empty inside.

Sometimes it's not our fault. Still feels empty inside. I checked.

There is nothing too big to overcome if you trust in the right things.

Out of suffering, beautiful things can be formed.

Beautiful things can be formed out of happy times too.

Memories will linger. Sometimes they make you smile, sometimes they feel like they are hollowing out your soul. Be careful what you are putting in your head, cause it ain't going anywhere for quite a while.

When you are hurting, choose your words more carefully than ever. You can never erase it once it's out of your mouth.

This, too, will pass. It really will.

Don't be afraid to cry. Even if you are a big macho guy.

It's ok not to be strong or have it all together when you are being challenged. Your soul is being tempered into strength you've never had before, but first it has to be softened and reformed.

The things that challenge us the most always seem to be the things that end up molding us into the most beautiful shapes.

It's important to go through the steps of the grieving process when something bad happens. Just try not to linger on anger too long. It tends to turn to bitterness, which has no effect on anyone other than yourself.

Inspiring truths may or may not ease the pain. It doesn't diminish the truthfulness of their nature.

There are things that even shoe shopping can't fix. (gasp!)

Most importantly... don't do things that you know are going to damage you more, just because you are hurting. It's easy to shut yourself off from the world and the pain, and in doing so, make yourself numb to your own actions. Suffering can cause us to hide away, or self-medicate, or self-inflict. Don't let yourself believe that you are worth less just because someone may have treated you like you are. Sometimes people are blind. Don't let yourself become numb to the consequences of your actions just cause you are trying to dull the pain. The consequences will be waiting for you once you heal.

These things are on my mind cause I'm hurting. That's probably obvious. A few things have happened over the course of the last 2 months or so that have rocked me to my core. One situation was not my fault. One was. I take responsibility for it. I deserve to be hurting over it, and it's probably gonna affect me for a long time. The truth is, I was hurting so badly over the thing that was not my fault, I numbed myself to the pain by shutting myself off from everything. I don't think I felt any strong emotions for almost 2 weeks. I didn't care about doing right, and I didn't care about doing wrong.

This is a very dangerous place to be. Learn from my mistakes and don't fall for the lie that temporary distraction, as real as it may feel, will do any good for you in the long run.

I don't know how to end this one on a positive note. I'm still working through it all, though I've taken significant steps forward in the last few days.

Just don't give up, and don't give in. You're worth too much.

Relevant?

I want to be relevant.

Yes, I have faith. Some call it religion, though personally I shrink from the word. I don't follow rules and regulations just to follow them.

I believe in something bigger than myself.

I believe in love.

That's all that Jesus taught - love God above all else, and love others more than you love yourself. Can you imagine what the world would look like if we all acted like that?

Even just for one day?

It's not about following a set of rules to earn our holiness or earn our way into heaven. We can't earn it even if we try. It makes me sick that (some) Christians turn their backs on those who don't live up to their guidelines and are displaying "the bad sins" (say it in a deep scary voice for the best impact) - homosexuals, addicts, and so on - and wallow daily in the "little sins" - lying to each other, manipulating each other, and such.

Who are we trying to fool?

I am ashamed of myself when I recognize the signs of this kind of behavior creeping into my own life, and I am appalled at the state of Christianity in general some days for letting this kind of attitude prevail. Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of Christians living it out like they should - pouring themselves out for others, loving and respecting God above everything else. I see myself as this kind of Christian (but believe me, I fail at it sometimes).

That's the church I love, and long to continue to be a part of - and it is out there. The church is the people - a movement of people who are casting aside everything that's held us back in the past, and running forward with the goal of just loving God and loving people.

Relevant. I want to love others so that they can see and understand the love God has for them. That's all.

I can enjoy my life while I'm doing that, too. I don't have to be a nerdy, uptight recluse to be a Christian. In fact, I might go out dancing tonight just to prove it.

And I'll probably wear my new platform shoes. :)

And the Question On Everyone's Mind Is..... AKA "Geetting Down To The Neeety Greeety"

You know I can't be trusted with Super Glue, right?

I thought I'd be all smart and make a flower hair clip. Cause I'm head over heels for flower hair clips and they are kinda expensive sometimes... so, bright idea! Super Glue + fake flower + hair clip = pretty!!

Lets just say.. I probably wont be able to feel my fingertips for 3 days or so. And I gots me no pretty hair clips. :(

But enough of that. I posted on Facebook (or, as I call it - "the real world") that I'd answer some reader-submitted questions on my blog. Cause what ya'll want, ya'll get.

There were only 2 to start with. No big deal. Got this covered.

Then someone got all question-y and now there are 9. Hmmm. I'll give this a shot but I'm sleepy so we'll see how far I get.

The first one was:
"What is the hardest temptation that you have had to overcome, and have you overcome it?"

Probably my constant desire to be overly self-indulgent. Food, clothes, eating out, vacations, you name it. I always seem to want more than I actually need. So it's a constant discipline for me.. I am in the process of overcoming each day. Some days I fail miserably and with flair. Some days I rock it.

"What is my one admittable guilty pleasure?"

Well, I have more than one. But here's a good one: taking pics of myself and Photoshopping them to make me look all awesome. Either that, or making brownie batter expressly for the purpose of eating some of it.

"What do you count as your greatest triumph?"

I feel like I have great triumphs pretty often, but what was a triumph, say, 3 years ago is not such a big deal now that I've changed so much since then... and I can't really put my finger on one specific triumph for my entire life. So here's a few recent ones that I'm pretty stoked about:
Being offered a promotion at work. I love my job.
Getting to a place in life where I can let go of the bitterness I held from the past.
Finishing a half marathon.
Taking and passing the Team Oregon motorcycle class and getting my motorcycle endorsement.

"What's the grossest thing you've ever seen?"

Interesting question. And I have no idea.

"What's your opinion on "labels" such as "metal-head" and "punk"?"

I think labels have to be applied sparingly and with great consideration. Like Transformers, we are all "more than meets the eye."

"Have you ever heard a song that genuinely scared you?"

Can't say that I have.

"What would you say is your theme song?"

Oh man. It changes all the time! Right now I'm gonna say that it's a mash up of "Breathless", "Born This Way", "My Style", "Don't Cha", "Restless", and "Rooftops". figure out how to play THAT one.

And now the biggies...

"Who is Jesus to you? Not the standard Christian definition, who is he to you personally?"

Well I'm not sure I could tell you the "standard Christian definition" even if I wanted to, which I don't. So to me, Jesus is these things:
Friend.
Savior.
Comforter.
Love.
Loyal.
Inspiration.
Motivation.
Freedom.
Worth sacrifice.
Forgiver of my failures.
Provider of grace to do better when I mess up.


"When you feel like giving up, what keeps you going?"

It depends on the situation.. sometimes it's pure stubbornness, sometimes it's cause I want to impress people around me (not gonna lie), but mostly it's just cause I really want to be a better person and set myself up to live an amazing life, not just for me, but so I can help those around me. If I'm strong, empowered, and resourceful, I can make a difference in the lives of others. And to keep going when I feel like giving up helps me get to those places.

But for right now, the only place I want to get to is bed. I needs me some beauty sleep!

When All Else Fails, Stand.

(side note - this is re-posted from last week, with some edits. A friend thought it was kinda rant-y so I fixed it up a little. Proceed.)

Tempestuous.
That's how I'd describe this week, if I were asked. If I were asked what day it was, I would say "Friday!" with absolute certainty, cause surely, surely, it can't be only Tuesday... can it?

Yep. 3 days in and it's already all a blur. I was sitting here tonight trying to focus on something and finding myself so, so, distracted. So many things were fighting for my attention and mental focus that I could barely think straight. It's a little thing I like to call "overwhelmed". Being the masochistic person I am, I kinda like it when I start to get to that point. It's like the world is taunting me, asking me what I'm really made of, throwing down the gauntlet.

Challenge accepted.

If there's anything I've learned about myself over the last few years, it's that I always end up able to handle a lot more than I initially think I can. It's all about foundation. You know what you're built on, what you're built of, and many things just become water under the bridge, so to speak. It's not so hard to let things go, or focus in on what's really important, when you're secure in your footing.

I know who I am, Who I belong to, where my hope lies. I am finding out more every day about what I am destined for, who I am destined to become, and what kinds of people I need to partner with, or protect myself against, as I walk my path.

A friend warned me recently that though you may think that some people are your allies, they in fact are not. It's usually pretty obvious when you let yourself think about it. A person's actions will end up revealing exactly what they are aligned with, every time. But sometimes we talk ourselves out of something, because we really, really wish it wasn't that way. Silly humans.

Never let those with unclear allegiances take you off of your course. Stay firm! Protect yourself from those traitors to your destiny. Someone who will say they are for you but not stand for you when the heat is on, is not a ally at all.. and you can't afford to get sidetracked from your future just in order to try to bring them with you.

Some people have to be left to go their own course, at times. God has a way of getting a hold of their hearts and reminding them of their own destiny. He will not fail them, just as He will not fail you.. though you may feel alone at times.

You are not.

Sometimes we lose parts of ourselves that we never intended to let go of. Sometimes we give them away, sometimes they are taken. Another little tidbit that a friend reminded me of this week... you have to protect your heart. And I don't mean in a romantic sense or anything, I mean your heart. The core of you, who you are inside.

Who you let have influence over you is so, so, essential. Some people will enable you and empower you to grow. They will help you see your flaws and help you work your way out of them. They will lead by example and help show you where to go.

Others won't. For whatever reasons, and for whatever motivations, they simply will not help others reach their dreams, and in worst case scenarios, actually try to keep them back.

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Seriously, and mostly I direct this toward my female readers, who tend to have more sensitive hearts than them boys, guard your heart. Again, not talking about romance. Find out the core of who you are, what you stand for, and where you are going, and steer far clear of those who refuse to put themselves aside and partner with you.

Don't let yourself become a person who will step on others to get where they want to go. Don't become a manipulator. Don't settle for anything less than complete, transparent, honesty. Don't sell yourself short by accepting that kind of treatment from others, and never, never, let yourself become someone else's dream killer.

Cause that's just not cool.

One final thought: I was at work yesterday (I was gonna say 'last week' cause it seems like forever ago already, but no, it was yesterday) and had all these little issues coming up and bombarding me. I just kept telling myself, "let the small stuff go, wait for the real battle to come so you can take your stand then."

And I realized...
The battle IS the small stuff.

The everyday, making one small good decision, defending one small injustice, taking a stand on one small issue just because it is right. I can't let the small battles go by, unfought, and then expect that I won't have a world war waiting for me at the end. One that I am not ready to handle because I refused to train myself by dealing with the small things as they came.

My stand is to take a stand now, because no "small injustice" is actually just, no "small wrong" is actually right, and no "small lie" is actually truth.

Sometimes it's just black and white, and as yet another friend told me, "sometimes you've just got to throw an elbow".

In love, of course. :)