Anyone else feel a heavier-than-ever spiritual struggle lately?
I've been having a heck of a time recently. I keep setting goals for myself in different areas, and I feel like everything in the book is coming against me to stop it. This weekend, something dawned on me.
I've been seeing unity running rampant in the midst of the group I hang out with. Friendships are being built and strengthened, walls are coming down and people are becoming more open and honest, and understanding and patience for each others' shortcomings is increasing. This group tends to be very spiritual-minded and very faith-driven, and we have a goal - the salvation of our city/county/world through an outpouring of outrageous love. As the unity grows, we become so strong, so much more focused, and even more driven than before.
I don't think "the enemy" (as much as I hate to even use that 'Christianese' term) likes it.
I'm not the kind of person that thinks the devil is behind every corner and responsible for every bad thing that happens. I think man was given free will, and when we exercise that free will, we reap results, good and bad.
We (as humans) use chemicals and pesticides indiscriminately, so we end up with people getting cancer left and right. We ignore speeding laws and end up with tickets, or broken legs. We don't control our anger or lust, so we have murders and rapes. We get greedy, threatened, or overly religious, and we wage war on those who have what we want, or what we oppose.
These things aren't the devil's doing, and they are certainly not God's doing.. they are man's doing. And yes, God could step in every time something bad was about to happen, but that only infringes on that most beautiful of gifts, our free will.
Sorry, that was a total rabbit trail. Ok, so I don't think the devil is behind every bad thing in life. But I do believe he is real, and I do believe he is out to protect his interests, which means that when he sees a serious threat (i.e., a bunch of radical, like-minded young people out to change the world), he might be interested in trying to distract us, bring us down spiritually, mentally, and/or physically, or worse, try to divide us.
I see unity blossoming in my relationships with others, and yet I feel like I'm in some sort of repeating loop in my personal life. I feel like my personal growth is stifled.
A few examples:
I resolved to get my eating habits in check, and found myself getting so busy, not having time to make food for myself, etc. and eating worse than ever before. I found myself getting more stressed and eating comfort foods instead of healthy foods. This area is significant for me because my physical self-control tends to be directly linked to my spiritual self-control. Also, because God gave me this body for a reason, and I need to keep it healthy and take care of it. I haven't been doing that lately.
I resolved to get my personal devotional life in a more steady and regular pattern, and I found myself feeling extremely physically exhausted all the time and hitting that snooze button til the last minute, and staying so busy that I could easily justify putting devotions off til the next day.
I'm usually fairly confident in myself, and lately all I can think of is how terrible I look, how terrible I am for not having the level of self-control I want (see above) and how undeserving I am.
This is not normal for me. Confession: I didn't go to church this morning cause I felt so undeserving of even having the title of "Christian", and that it would be presumptuous for me to even set foot in the place, because I had so many spiritual failures this week. I screwed up, plain and simple.
This is unbelievable, and unacceptable. I've never, never felt like I was so undeserving of God's grace that I couldn't even set foot in a church.. no matter what I've done. In fact, I've done worse things than what I've done this week and never had a struggle like I had this morning. And yet, there it was today.
It's so completely out of character for me that this is why I honestly wonder if I can put the label "spiritual attack" on it. Also, I keep hearing about some serious and life-altering struggles others around me are dealing with, and this weekend it all just came together- maybe we are struggling because we are starting to pose a very serious threat to the darkness that wants to control our city.
I actually like this idea.. because it makes me excited to continue the way we are going.
Because I know that no matter who stands against us, God is on our side, and we need not fear failure when we are doing what He asks us to do.
Because challenges make us stronger.
I wish I knew more about the idea of "spiritual warfare".. I don't mean to throw that term around lightly, but in seeing the extremity of some of the things my peers and I are dealing with, it makes me feel like it's deeper than just a confluence of random events in our lives.
I guess what it comes down to is this.. in my heart, I believe that the enemy only has as much power as we give him. I think that he does have the power to put challenges in our way, try to influence our thinking, and distract us with temptations (not that we need his help for that), but if we are diligent about protecting our hearts and minds, we can and will overcome.
What it may come down to in my case is continuing my resolve to press forward, being more aware of any resistance I may face, spiritual or otherwise, and strengthening my own determination in completing the goals I set for myself. Not giving up.
There are more serious and pressing issues in the lives of those around me, and for them I pray for the direct impact of the hand of God in their situations.
Re-reading that last phrase gave me chills, because I am really starting to understand the power of the "direct impact of the hand of God" (chills!), and it is incredible. There is nothing and no one like our God, and He is interested in teaming up with us to impact the world in a relevant way. It's not about the numbers. It's not about who saved the most people, who is following the rules, how much money is in the offering, or which political party or denomination you belong to.
It's about love.
If we could only come to a full and true revelation of how much He loves us, we couldn't help but overflow that love into every interaction, every waking moment. We couldn't help but impact people's lives, because everyone hungers to be loved, and in an unselfish manner.
How could the world not respond to that kind of love? Hunger could be eradicated. The pandemic of AIDS in Africa could be dealt with, and brought to a stop. Clean water and simple antibiotics could be brought to the places in the world that need it, stopping hundreds of thousands of needless deaths. All if we could just learn to love outward.
I just want to scream with joy- "We can literally change the world!"
My problems are so, so small. My God is so, so big.
I don't talk about my struggles to complain. I talk about these things because I hope that some of the things I'm thinking about or handling in my own life can be of use to someone else. I hope that someone can glean something useful from my experiences, failures, and triumphs. I don't believe that difficult moments have to be wasted.. we can learn and grow from nearly everything we experience.
I love my life. I'm happier than I've ever been, and look forward with great hope, expectation, and certainty to my future. My prayer is that the unity that I see growing all around me will explode outward, away from just my small group of friends, and into the church, who are the hands and feet of Christ here on the earth.
We can't let this world down.. we hold in our hearts the hope they need.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Social Experiments Are Just A Polite Way To Mess With People's Heads.
So, a friend of mine told me that she heard that girls who wear pink get asked out more than girls who don't.
I decided this would make a great subject for a social experiment.. and a blog topic.
Here we go.
First, I Googled it, because Google is a vast fount of social information:
I got quotes from Mean Girls, something about overcoming gender inequality, and an article about how even football players can look good wearing pink to support breast cancer research. Um, Peyton Manning could wear an entirely pink uniform and he'd still look good.
But that's a different subject.
To the right, you will see my Hulu tab.. I'm watching SNL reruns. Is it just me, or does Scarlett Johanssen stare straight ahead past the camera in every skit she does? She's like some kind of robot.
Different phrasing, maybe?
This one just brings up a bunch of topics asking if girls like it when guys wear pink. Isn't that the OPPOSITE of what I asked? You're not helping me, Google.
I turn to some men for help:
Sneaky bit: I didn't tell them I was gonna post it on my blog. He he he.
I don't know a lot of guys who will put up with this silliness from me, so my subject pool is woefully small. But here are my responses:
Subject 1:
"equally prob"
Ok, pretty vague, but still an answer.
Subject 2:
"I actually am attracted to pink. But only in the right form of pink. Raver and emo pink makes me vomit. Retro pink..makes me drool."
Now THIS I can run with. So what is 'retro pink', exactly?
Goog. (Sometimes when I want to be extra quick I just say "Goog", instead of "I'll Google it". It saves me like a quarter of a second.)
Ok, yea.. I'm picking up what you're throwing down here...
Then, a follow up from the same person:
"But the real question is, how do you want your male character to perceive this girl. Is she a lust object? An object of scorn? Or his true love?
I guess I can't pretend that in my imaginary scenario - strangers looking (or not looking) at a girl simply because of what color she is wearing - that she would be much more than an object of lust.
I explain that it's more of a general idea than an individual situation, then comes:
"In general, guys tend to associate color with sexuality. Pink is an inviting color."
NOW we're getting somewhere in the minds of these wildebeests. (BTW, I call my nephew a wildebeest too. It's one of my weird terms of endearment.) But then here comes subject 3.
Subject 3:
"Less to equally. Pink can be kinda boring and may cause a sort of unintended bubblegum demeanor, though it can be user-dependent, too."
Very, very interesting. Retro pink: inviting, hot. Cheerleader pink: vapid, boring.
Also interesting is that out of the 4 I asked, no one really responded that pink would make them more attracted, just equally or less attracted. Subject 4 must be working or something. No answer.
This was getting really fascinating to me, so I threw em a follow up:
(Camera batteries died. Use your imagination.)
"Is there a specific color that you personally find most attractive on a girl?"
Subject 1:
"Prob red or black"
Subject 2:
"To be honest, White... it's a huge catch for me"
Subject 3:
"Not really. Some people look better in brighter colors, some in darker."
I like these answers! These are some quality men that look past the outside and think about what's going on in the heart, but are still honest in the things they like and want. Love it.
When I started writing this blog today, I indented to actually do a social experiment on the public tomorrow, and see if I could drum up a little attention from someone random just by wearing pink so I could write about it, but now it seems too mean. And pointless, really. I don't actually want the attention, I just want to see if I can get it. And that's going a little too far, I think.
So I leave it at this: There are plenty of good guys out there that will look past the outside and are interested in matters deeper than the color of the clothes a girl is wearing.
Some of these good guys also happen to be my friends, and for that I am really grateful.
Thanks, wildebeests, for helping me out in my little social experiment. I love to try to understand more about the way you think. :)
I decided this would make a great subject for a social experiment.. and a blog topic.
Here we go.
First, I Googled it, because Google is a vast fount of social information:
I got quotes from Mean Girls, something about overcoming gender inequality, and an article about how even football players can look good wearing pink to support breast cancer research. Um, Peyton Manning could wear an entirely pink uniform and he'd still look good.
But that's a different subject.
To the right, you will see my Hulu tab.. I'm watching SNL reruns. Is it just me, or does Scarlett Johanssen stare straight ahead past the camera in every skit she does? She's like some kind of robot.
Different phrasing, maybe?
This one just brings up a bunch of topics asking if girls like it when guys wear pink. Isn't that the OPPOSITE of what I asked? You're not helping me, Google.
I turn to some men for help:
Sneaky bit: I didn't tell them I was gonna post it on my blog. He he he.
I don't know a lot of guys who will put up with this silliness from me, so my subject pool is woefully small. But here are my responses:
Subject 1:
"equally prob"
Ok, pretty vague, but still an answer.
Subject 2:
"I actually am attracted to pink. But only in the right form of pink. Raver and emo pink makes me vomit. Retro pink..makes me drool."
Now THIS I can run with. So what is 'retro pink', exactly?
Goog. (Sometimes when I want to be extra quick I just say "Goog", instead of "I'll Google it". It saves me like a quarter of a second.)
Ok, yea.. I'm picking up what you're throwing down here...
Then, a follow up from the same person:
"But the real question is, how do you want your male character to perceive this girl. Is she a lust object? An object of scorn? Or his true love?
I guess I can't pretend that in my imaginary scenario - strangers looking (or not looking) at a girl simply because of what color she is wearing - that she would be much more than an object of lust.
I explain that it's more of a general idea than an individual situation, then comes:
"In general, guys tend to associate color with sexuality. Pink is an inviting color."
NOW we're getting somewhere in the minds of these wildebeests. (BTW, I call my nephew a wildebeest too. It's one of my weird terms of endearment.) But then here comes subject 3.
Subject 3:
"Less to equally. Pink can be kinda boring and may cause a sort of unintended bubblegum demeanor, though it can be user-dependent, too."
Very, very interesting. Retro pink: inviting, hot. Cheerleader pink: vapid, boring.
Also interesting is that out of the 4 I asked, no one really responded that pink would make them more attracted, just equally or less attracted. Subject 4 must be working or something. No answer.
This was getting really fascinating to me, so I threw em a follow up:
(Camera batteries died. Use your imagination.)
"Is there a specific color that you personally find most attractive on a girl?"
Subject 1:
"Prob red or black"
Subject 2:
"To be honest, White... it's a huge catch for me"
Subject 3:
"Not really. Some people look better in brighter colors, some in darker."
I like these answers! These are some quality men that look past the outside and think about what's going on in the heart, but are still honest in the things they like and want. Love it.
When I started writing this blog today, I indented to actually do a social experiment on the public tomorrow, and see if I could drum up a little attention from someone random just by wearing pink so I could write about it, but now it seems too mean. And pointless, really. I don't actually want the attention, I just want to see if I can get it. And that's going a little too far, I think.
So I leave it at this: There are plenty of good guys out there that will look past the outside and are interested in matters deeper than the color of the clothes a girl is wearing.
Some of these good guys also happen to be my friends, and for that I am really grateful.
Thanks, wildebeests, for helping me out in my little social experiment. I love to try to understand more about the way you think. :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Dreams That Will Not Die
Sometimes I feel like people shoot me in the foot and then become genuinely surprised when I can't run a marathon. It makes me feel so helpless.. my dreams keep getting crushed under the heel of someone else's ambition; by the actions of another, who, if confronted, would likely only deny it or justify their actions within themselves by saying that it is my fault for allowing such actions to affect me so.
It is my fault, for my actions are my responsibility alone, regardless of what may or may not be influencing me at any particular moment. But does that make it right for others to treat me badly? I think not.
I really haven't been sure how to get around it in a few situations, short of taking a completely new path, away from said situations. I just don't want to give up, to concede to failure.. but the more I've been thinking about it, the more I think that a change may be the answer in some areas. Forge a new path, away from the dream-killers and naysayers, from the ones who are not interested in investing in the dreams, and futures, of others. In other situations, battle it out.
Sometimes it's important to stand up and cause a ruckus. Sometimes it's wiser to find another path.
It blows my mind to see those within the church, particularly, sniping at each other, crushing each others' dreams. We are called to stand together and yet we keep tearing each other down, sometimes intentionally, but more likely through indifference, selfishness, or neglect.
We don't seem to realize the power we have when we unite. Sometimes it's so obvious to me, and yet I still lose sight so quickly, usually at the moment I let myself slip in my dedication to service to others. Namely, when I start to get too self-involved. These situations definitely reveal to me the things I need to work on in my character, as I often start to recognize issues in others because they are the same ones that need attention in my own life.
More and more I am experiencing the revelation that my dreams are not just gonna happen around me. Seems simple, but it's also easy to believe that I'm just gonna walk into them, that since good things have come my way in the past without any effort on my part, they will naturally continue to do so. Yes, God is a good God, and regularly drops blessing in our laps simply because He delights in being our Father, and acting like it. But there are things we have to do ourselves. Rather than waiting for "a door to open", we have to go out and start turning the doorknobs and see which ones are locked. Sometimes we have to go out and look for the keys, too.
Too much metaphor? Gotcha.
There are so many people out there who are only interested in their own good.. and will step over or on top of others to accomplish their goals. I would never, never, want to be a person who uses others in a negative way to accomplish their goals.. "using in a negative way" meaning simply that a person is damaged in some way by my actions in my quest. What I do want to use in people is their input, experiences, and advise in obtaining that on which I have set my heart.
So not only am I continuing to write out my goals and re-evaluate my progress from time to time, I am looking at each one very seriously and critically, for any evidence of abuse to others that I may have caused on my way. I know I can't change what's been done in the past, but I can try to make amends with people and make an instant and dramatic change in my methods, from this point on.
In all honesty, sometimes when I am hurt, I just long so much for an apology.. just a simple "I recognize that I've hurt you, and I'm sorry.. I won't do it again." I think this is a very human and natural longing, for reconciliation, and possibly some sort of validation. But apology doesn't always come, and in my heart I know I have to stop looking for it.
I realize that I really am alright with that.. though I do wish for it for time to time, I know it may not be forthcoming and I can have peace in knowing that I have done, and am still doing, all I can to make my footsteps right.
I truly believe that these kinds of situations are just a blaring warning sign for me not to get too close to situations where people refuse to even entertain the idea that they could be wrong, who cannot or will not truly lay their firm mindset aside and place themselves in another person's shoes.. such constant injustice batters ones resolve and is a damaging, heart-rending place to find oneself in. I'm done with putting myself in harm's way in this life for the sake of my ego, just so I can have some sort of friendship, relationship or, more likely, just someone's attention. I've done it before, and it's simply not worth it. The minimal reward in such a connection is not worth the damage.
Some days, I feel like I can identify with David when he wrote "Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity. Examine me, O Lord, and prove me, try my mind and my heart." Obviously, I am not perfect and have not walked in integrity every step of my life. Far from it. But in many areas, I have made vast, sweeping improvement, and people around me don't seem to care at all, some even treating me more abusively than ever before. Which is incredibly frustrating.
But I don't want to focus on that particular injustice. What I really want is for God to constantly re-examine my heart and point out to me the things I need to change. I am thankful that He uses the people in my life to guide me, as well as speaking into my heart directly about such issues. I want to walk blamelessly, so that not only can people identify in me as an example of what God can do in a (formerly) messed-up person, but also as proof that it truly can be done. I'm not who I used to be! I am new and different every day.
So, sadness over this situation aside, I look forward to the future with extreme hope, as the fire for change and revolution burns brighter and brighter within me. I have such dreams raging in my heart, and I am anxious to continue putting them into action, bit by bit, one step, one jump, one flying leap at a time. I know there will always be those who say I can't do it, that my dreams are too extreme, that I am too disorganized, that I am too weak or small or insecure.
But that's simply not true.
Find me in a week, in a month, in a year, and we will rejoice over each others' triumphs. :)
It is my fault, for my actions are my responsibility alone, regardless of what may or may not be influencing me at any particular moment. But does that make it right for others to treat me badly? I think not.
I really haven't been sure how to get around it in a few situations, short of taking a completely new path, away from said situations. I just don't want to give up, to concede to failure.. but the more I've been thinking about it, the more I think that a change may be the answer in some areas. Forge a new path, away from the dream-killers and naysayers, from the ones who are not interested in investing in the dreams, and futures, of others. In other situations, battle it out.
Sometimes it's important to stand up and cause a ruckus. Sometimes it's wiser to find another path.
It blows my mind to see those within the church, particularly, sniping at each other, crushing each others' dreams. We are called to stand together and yet we keep tearing each other down, sometimes intentionally, but more likely through indifference, selfishness, or neglect.
We don't seem to realize the power we have when we unite. Sometimes it's so obvious to me, and yet I still lose sight so quickly, usually at the moment I let myself slip in my dedication to service to others. Namely, when I start to get too self-involved. These situations definitely reveal to me the things I need to work on in my character, as I often start to recognize issues in others because they are the same ones that need attention in my own life.
More and more I am experiencing the revelation that my dreams are not just gonna happen around me. Seems simple, but it's also easy to believe that I'm just gonna walk into them, that since good things have come my way in the past without any effort on my part, they will naturally continue to do so. Yes, God is a good God, and regularly drops blessing in our laps simply because He delights in being our Father, and acting like it. But there are things we have to do ourselves. Rather than waiting for "a door to open", we have to go out and start turning the doorknobs and see which ones are locked. Sometimes we have to go out and look for the keys, too.
Too much metaphor? Gotcha.
There are so many people out there who are only interested in their own good.. and will step over or on top of others to accomplish their goals. I would never, never, want to be a person who uses others in a negative way to accomplish their goals.. "using in a negative way" meaning simply that a person is damaged in some way by my actions in my quest. What I do want to use in people is their input, experiences, and advise in obtaining that on which I have set my heart.
So not only am I continuing to write out my goals and re-evaluate my progress from time to time, I am looking at each one very seriously and critically, for any evidence of abuse to others that I may have caused on my way. I know I can't change what's been done in the past, but I can try to make amends with people and make an instant and dramatic change in my methods, from this point on.
In all honesty, sometimes when I am hurt, I just long so much for an apology.. just a simple "I recognize that I've hurt you, and I'm sorry.. I won't do it again." I think this is a very human and natural longing, for reconciliation, and possibly some sort of validation. But apology doesn't always come, and in my heart I know I have to stop looking for it.
I realize that I really am alright with that.. though I do wish for it for time to time, I know it may not be forthcoming and I can have peace in knowing that I have done, and am still doing, all I can to make my footsteps right.
I truly believe that these kinds of situations are just a blaring warning sign for me not to get too close to situations where people refuse to even entertain the idea that they could be wrong, who cannot or will not truly lay their firm mindset aside and place themselves in another person's shoes.. such constant injustice batters ones resolve and is a damaging, heart-rending place to find oneself in. I'm done with putting myself in harm's way in this life for the sake of my ego, just so I can have some sort of friendship, relationship or, more likely, just someone's attention. I've done it before, and it's simply not worth it. The minimal reward in such a connection is not worth the damage.
Some days, I feel like I can identify with David when he wrote "Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity. Examine me, O Lord, and prove me, try my mind and my heart." Obviously, I am not perfect and have not walked in integrity every step of my life. Far from it. But in many areas, I have made vast, sweeping improvement, and people around me don't seem to care at all, some even treating me more abusively than ever before. Which is incredibly frustrating.
But I don't want to focus on that particular injustice. What I really want is for God to constantly re-examine my heart and point out to me the things I need to change. I am thankful that He uses the people in my life to guide me, as well as speaking into my heart directly about such issues. I want to walk blamelessly, so that not only can people identify in me as an example of what God can do in a (formerly) messed-up person, but also as proof that it truly can be done. I'm not who I used to be! I am new and different every day.
So, sadness over this situation aside, I look forward to the future with extreme hope, as the fire for change and revolution burns brighter and brighter within me. I have such dreams raging in my heart, and I am anxious to continue putting them into action, bit by bit, one step, one jump, one flying leap at a time. I know there will always be those who say I can't do it, that my dreams are too extreme, that I am too disorganized, that I am too weak or small or insecure.
But that's simply not true.
Find me in a week, in a month, in a year, and we will rejoice over each others' triumphs. :)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Cars - can't live with them, can't live without them.
Cars require entirely too many fluids to run.
Gas, oil, transmission fluid, water, antifreeze.. blah, blah, blah. You name it, my car needs it. And half of the time, they are leaking out on the ground anyway, so I must ask - WHAT IS THE POINT?
I think that they should make one fluid that does it all - Superfluid! This magical substance would fuel and lubricate the engine, prevent rust, makes the windows not squeak, keep everything at the temperature it should be, and also give you a general sense of euphoria while operating the vehicle.
Hmmm. This is starting to sound like a controlled substance.
This is how my ideal-pretend-world scenario plays out:
I arrive at the superfluid station, where the attendant proceeds to fill the car up. It only costs 99 cents a gallon? Excellent! He then proceeds to check the air pressure in my tires, clean my windshield, and offer me a cup of coffee. He knows that I need the air pressure checked because I am a girl.
For some reason, the attendant looks uncannily like Daniel Craig.
Finally, I pay the incredibly low bill and go on my merry way! I drive away under a rainbow and a flock of doves scatters in front of me! A kitten smiles at me from the side of the road and a baby waves hello from its stroller!
Real world scenario:
I go to the gas station and as soon as I shut off the engine I smell the burning-oil smell I've become familiar with. The attendant comes over and I ask him to fill it. With regular, not premium, cause ITS 3.50 A GALLON.
The attendant looks uncannily like Kid Rock.
He lights a cigarette (!) while my car fills and I check my own oil. I pay the bill and apologize to my bank account, then drive on my merry way. A flock of blackbirds poo all over my car! A kitten runs out in front of me and I swerve to miss it, denting my wheel on a curb! A baby cries cause its mom left it alone while she ran into the sketch mini-market!
What? I'm being over-dramatic?
Ok, maybe in reality it's a balance between the two. But seriously. It's such a stress for me to handle it all, that all a man would ever need to do to win my heart is take care of my darn car for me.
Looking like Daniel Craig wouldn't hurt either.
Gas, oil, transmission fluid, water, antifreeze.. blah, blah, blah. You name it, my car needs it. And half of the time, they are leaking out on the ground anyway, so I must ask - WHAT IS THE POINT?
I think that they should make one fluid that does it all - Superfluid! This magical substance would fuel and lubricate the engine, prevent rust, makes the windows not squeak, keep everything at the temperature it should be, and also give you a general sense of euphoria while operating the vehicle.
Hmmm. This is starting to sound like a controlled substance.
This is how my ideal-pretend-world scenario plays out:
I arrive at the superfluid station, where the attendant proceeds to fill the car up. It only costs 99 cents a gallon? Excellent! He then proceeds to check the air pressure in my tires, clean my windshield, and offer me a cup of coffee. He knows that I need the air pressure checked because I am a girl.
For some reason, the attendant looks uncannily like Daniel Craig.
Finally, I pay the incredibly low bill and go on my merry way! I drive away under a rainbow and a flock of doves scatters in front of me! A kitten smiles at me from the side of the road and a baby waves hello from its stroller!
Real world scenario:
I go to the gas station and as soon as I shut off the engine I smell the burning-oil smell I've become familiar with. The attendant comes over and I ask him to fill it. With regular, not premium, cause ITS 3.50 A GALLON.
The attendant looks uncannily like Kid Rock.
He lights a cigarette (!) while my car fills and I check my own oil. I pay the bill and apologize to my bank account, then drive on my merry way. A flock of blackbirds poo all over my car! A kitten runs out in front of me and I swerve to miss it, denting my wheel on a curb! A baby cries cause its mom left it alone while she ran into the sketch mini-market!
What? I'm being over-dramatic?
Ok, maybe in reality it's a balance between the two. But seriously. It's such a stress for me to handle it all, that all a man would ever need to do to win my heart is take care of my darn car for me.
Looking like Daniel Craig wouldn't hurt either.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
But where are all the pictures of the plastic spider?
More light-hearted and/or picture-laden posts soon. I promise. :)
Mizzundastood
It's dangerous to have deep conversations via text.
For someone who considers themselves fairly adept at using the written word, I certainly can't seem to make myself understood when texting. Especially about things that are very meaningful or important to me.
I like how spell check didn't recognize the word "texting" just now. It's 2010, Blogger Spell Check Robot! Get with the program!
I tried to explain (via text) a fear to a friend the other day, one that's been in my life for a while now and was "resurrected" again recently, so to speak. (The fear, not the friend. I live in a zombie-free zone.) Thought I was over it, turns out no. But in trying to do so and explain what my fear was and why I wanted to avoid putting myself in a situation where I'd have to face it again (boo for scaredycats, I know, I know..), the friend pretty much thought I was judging them for being (or wanting to be?) in the situation themselves.
The whole thing kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I feel terrible for this person thinking that I am looking down on them or avoiding them, when in reality I am just trying to deal with an issue in my life that I thought I had resolved. I feel stupid for having given in and agreeing to put myself into the situation just because I was so desperate to prove my open-mindedness to my friend. And I feel afraid for the upcoming situation.
I'm surprised at myself for having been so easily pushed around. But in looking back, I realize that when the friend started using the "I shouldn't have to choose between you and the situation" card, I caved. Done.
I had never asked, or even suggested, that they should have to choose. I was so horrified that out of our whole conversation, they only seemed to be able to glean that idea, that I just backed down.
But the whole thing made me realize that I have an issue to work out and it made me start thinking about internal/emotional damage, mine as well as others'.
It's hard to quantify internal damage.
Everything looks peachy on the outside, but inside, things are all blown to hell. An emotional IED was laid by the side of my life's road, and I certainly did not recognize it. Boom! Damage done. Now what?
Everyone has experienced their own forms of damage, inflicted by life, by circumstances, by people. The particular form of damage I just realized that I need to deal with compels me to protect myself from certain situations, and consequently, I've found that it's possible that people may think I'm judging them for being in those situations themselves.
But I was only taking a stand against something that is fearful for me at this time in my life, though in all likelihood it is perfectly safe for others.
Trust me, I have learned that judging others is no way to live. I have screwed up as much and am as deserving of judgment as anyone, probably more even so than most of my friends. So I really try to let grace direct me, as my life has been marked by grace. I really try not to judge.. I've been THAT girl before and I don't want to be her anymore.
Sometimes I hide, I keep away from situations that may remind me of the past hurts, and sometimes this means people think I'm stuck up, overly introverted, or judgmental. Ouch! I think that sometimes I try so hard to disprove this that I go too far the other direction, into "anything goes". Which does no good for anyone, really.
But anyway. Sometimes avoid situations that I know will hurt me, because it's all I know how to do. I try to act tough, but I'm no fighter. My only defense is defense.
Me hiding:
My hair is disheveled cause my fears have been dragging me down the hallway by my ankles. (Scary movie reference!! 10 points if you name it!)
This brings me to the biggest dilemma in the whole situation. I have now realized that I still drag this baggage around with me in a big way, and though I thought it was gone, it's really not. It still has the power to bring me to tears and drive me away from those who might otherwise help me.
Here I am, supposed to be living this overcoming, supernatural life, healed from all hurt past and present, and this big ol' beast pops up its head today and says "Hey, just thought I'd let you know I'm still here. And I'm gonna try to ruin all your friendships and relationships. Just wanted to remind you, see if I can get a sleeping bag and a snack or something. I'm gonna be here for a while."
Not if I have anything to say about it.
I feel like a failure or a hypocrite when my feet get all chained up in past issues. And it's easy to say something like "God will make a way" or "have faith" or whatever. I'm growing leaps and bounds in my faith, yet this very real issue taunts me.. and I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with having an unresolved issue in a life that is still very much based on their faith.
I do have faith, and I do believe that God makes paths where there are no paths. Yet platitudes do not help me, and they don't help me reach out to others who may be in a similar situation. What I need is revelation. The truth (that I AM free) needs to become a reality in my life, rather than just a statement. I need to experience freedom by walking around unfettered again and remembering what it feels like.
Faith is acting on what it is you say you believe. If you believe that there is a glass walkway in front of you , one that reaches out over the Grand Canyon, you will be able to walk out on it. It may be a little difficult at first to overcome what your mind is telling you, that you can't trust what you can't see. But if you really do believe it's there, you can take a step. And because you stepped out, your belief is confirmed.
Hey, there is a walkway!
So I will face this issue head on. Each step I take toward the unknown is a declaration that I believe what I say I believe, that there IS a God that makes all things new. I can put myself in situations where I feel afraid because I believe, I know, that I have been set free from the past and that my fears do not own me.
Sometimes life scares me, it's true. But I have to choose to not exclude myself from events that may dredge up the past, because my soul is restored and my heart is renewed.
Even if my mind tries to tell me otherwise. :)
For someone who considers themselves fairly adept at using the written word, I certainly can't seem to make myself understood when texting. Especially about things that are very meaningful or important to me.
I like how spell check didn't recognize the word "texting" just now. It's 2010, Blogger Spell Check Robot! Get with the program!
I tried to explain (via text) a fear to a friend the other day, one that's been in my life for a while now and was "resurrected" again recently, so to speak. (The fear, not the friend. I live in a zombie-free zone.) Thought I was over it, turns out no. But in trying to do so and explain what my fear was and why I wanted to avoid putting myself in a situation where I'd have to face it again (boo for scaredycats, I know, I know..), the friend pretty much thought I was judging them for being (or wanting to be?) in the situation themselves.
The whole thing kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I feel terrible for this person thinking that I am looking down on them or avoiding them, when in reality I am just trying to deal with an issue in my life that I thought I had resolved. I feel stupid for having given in and agreeing to put myself into the situation just because I was so desperate to prove my open-mindedness to my friend. And I feel afraid for the upcoming situation.
I'm surprised at myself for having been so easily pushed around. But in looking back, I realize that when the friend started using the "I shouldn't have to choose between you and the situation" card, I caved. Done.
I had never asked, or even suggested, that they should have to choose. I was so horrified that out of our whole conversation, they only seemed to be able to glean that idea, that I just backed down.
But the whole thing made me realize that I have an issue to work out and it made me start thinking about internal/emotional damage, mine as well as others'.
It's hard to quantify internal damage.
Everything looks peachy on the outside, but inside, things are all blown to hell. An emotional IED was laid by the side of my life's road, and I certainly did not recognize it. Boom! Damage done. Now what?
Everyone has experienced their own forms of damage, inflicted by life, by circumstances, by people. The particular form of damage I just realized that I need to deal with compels me to protect myself from certain situations, and consequently, I've found that it's possible that people may think I'm judging them for being in those situations themselves.
But I was only taking a stand against something that is fearful for me at this time in my life, though in all likelihood it is perfectly safe for others.
Trust me, I have learned that judging others is no way to live. I have screwed up as much and am as deserving of judgment as anyone, probably more even so than most of my friends. So I really try to let grace direct me, as my life has been marked by grace. I really try not to judge.. I've been THAT girl before and I don't want to be her anymore.
Sometimes I hide, I keep away from situations that may remind me of the past hurts, and sometimes this means people think I'm stuck up, overly introverted, or judgmental. Ouch! I think that sometimes I try so hard to disprove this that I go too far the other direction, into "anything goes". Which does no good for anyone, really.
But anyway. Sometimes avoid situations that I know will hurt me, because it's all I know how to do. I try to act tough, but I'm no fighter. My only defense is defense.
Me hiding:
My hair is disheveled cause my fears have been dragging me down the hallway by my ankles. (Scary movie reference!! 10 points if you name it!)
This brings me to the biggest dilemma in the whole situation. I have now realized that I still drag this baggage around with me in a big way, and though I thought it was gone, it's really not. It still has the power to bring me to tears and drive me away from those who might otherwise help me.
Here I am, supposed to be living this overcoming, supernatural life, healed from all hurt past and present, and this big ol' beast pops up its head today and says "Hey, just thought I'd let you know I'm still here. And I'm gonna try to ruin all your friendships and relationships. Just wanted to remind you, see if I can get a sleeping bag and a snack or something. I'm gonna be here for a while."
Not if I have anything to say about it.
I feel like a failure or a hypocrite when my feet get all chained up in past issues. And it's easy to say something like "God will make a way" or "have faith" or whatever. I'm growing leaps and bounds in my faith, yet this very real issue taunts me.. and I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with having an unresolved issue in a life that is still very much based on their faith.
I do have faith, and I do believe that God makes paths where there are no paths. Yet platitudes do not help me, and they don't help me reach out to others who may be in a similar situation. What I need is revelation. The truth (that I AM free) needs to become a reality in my life, rather than just a statement. I need to experience freedom by walking around unfettered again and remembering what it feels like.
Faith is acting on what it is you say you believe. If you believe that there is a glass walkway in front of you , one that reaches out over the Grand Canyon, you will be able to walk out on it. It may be a little difficult at first to overcome what your mind is telling you, that you can't trust what you can't see. But if you really do believe it's there, you can take a step. And because you stepped out, your belief is confirmed.
Hey, there is a walkway!
So I will face this issue head on. Each step I take toward the unknown is a declaration that I believe what I say I believe, that there IS a God that makes all things new. I can put myself in situations where I feel afraid because I believe, I know, that I have been set free from the past and that my fears do not own me.
Sometimes life scares me, it's true. But I have to choose to not exclude myself from events that may dredge up the past, because my soul is restored and my heart is renewed.
Even if my mind tries to tell me otherwise. :)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The World Is My Runway
I'm way too obsessed with couture for a girl who lives in Springfield.
I just want to live in a city where it's ok to walk around in these on a Tuesday afternoon:
Which probably means I'm limited to Manhattan, Tokyo, Paris, or Deep Space 5.
Better yet, I'd like to set up my bakery in one of those places and wear these boots while working. Who WOULDN'T buy a chocolate mousse torte or fresh Pain Au Levain from someone who baked them wearing those? The awesomeness would almost certainly transfer to you when you ate said baked good.
What I really love about haute couture is that more often than not, it isn't overtly sexy. It's bold, unexpected, and often odd, but mostly it's like wearing a work of art. Some very creative people make those designs, and it's like whoever wears couture gets to be the canvas for the artists' expression. Or better yet, the muse.
Um, is it just me, or is Heat one of the best movies ever made? I watched The Town the other night and it totally reminded me of Heat. So I had to watch it again. Robert DeNiro is amazing, Val Kilmer is thin, and Al Pacino is his usual insane self. Pure greatness.
Heck, yes...
Um, no thanks...
So, a few months ago I went and got a haircut and some extensions. I didn't like my hair the way it was, so of course I felt compelled to go out and spend a fortune getting it all fixed up and pretty again.
Actually, I got a really good deal on it, but I'm poking fun at myself here, so let's go along with the story.
How I felt before:
How I felt after:
Note that the new hairstyle automatically takes off 15 pounds.
Brutally honest truth coming up....
I got the new hair cause I wanted to feel like I was at least kinda hot. Don't get me wrong, I don't have some delusion of myself as a hottie. I know what I am and what I'm not, but sometimes a girl just wants to at least feel sexy, you know? (Ok, any guys who may be reading this, you probably don't know. You can skip this part if you want.)
I'm so lame! I'm embarrassed that I'm so shallow sometimes... really, this is not how I am all the time. But I have a point to make and sometimes honesty is what makes the point become real to someone. So on I go.
I love the extensions.. the color is great, and it actually kinda does look like celebrity hair. And I admit, when I wear them, I feel like I am just hot sh..tuff. Hot shtuff. Yea.
But, really? Aren't I just perpetuating the ideas I hate, that beauty is on the outside and comes in only a certain form? Why was I being so shallow, and so desperate for others' attention, that I would expend so much energy to attain what I only perceived to be good attention?
I really have no problem with anyone wanting to look good, extensions, makeup, you name it. Anyone who knows me knows this. I'm the lip gloss queen. I was just disappointed in myself cause I knew the state of my mind and it was going to a place I didn't want it to go, where the volume of my hair was more important than the content of my character.
So I launched what I secretly called "operation inner beauty". I stopped wearing the extensions so much, stopped taking so much time getting ready for things, even wore track pants out of the house a few times (gasp!). I'm still working on it. But sometimes taking active steps to combat against something, even small steps, and even against something as silly as being too worried about my image, can really start a mental revolution and set you on a whole new thought track.
My point, now that I've reached the place to make it, is this: It's totally fine to look as hot as you want (um, not slutty. just hot). But remember, true beauty comes in the form of a humble spirit, a gentle and quiet personality, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Try it and see.. people won't be able to keep their eyes off of you.
And I completely believe that a gentle spirit can exist in a pair of bootcut Sevens and Balenciaga boots. It all comes back to balance.
My new goal: sweetness. That's all. I want to be known as the girl who has a sweet temperament, not the girl who has Jessica Simpson hair and a Naomi Campbell attitude to go along with it.
These shoes should fit nicely with that:
After all, matching your accessories to your personality is the new black.
Ciao, my gorgeous readers. Let your beautiful personalities light up your world.
Additions to my bucket list:
Rock some Louboutins on a Tuesday. In a fashionably appropriate city.
Conquer my fear of spiders by holding a tarantula in my hands and not freaking out. This one's gonna take some work!
I just want to live in a city where it's ok to walk around in these on a Tuesday afternoon:
Which probably means I'm limited to Manhattan, Tokyo, Paris, or Deep Space 5.
Better yet, I'd like to set up my bakery in one of those places and wear these boots while working. Who WOULDN'T buy a chocolate mousse torte or fresh Pain Au Levain from someone who baked them wearing those? The awesomeness would almost certainly transfer to you when you ate said baked good.
What I really love about haute couture is that more often than not, it isn't overtly sexy. It's bold, unexpected, and often odd, but mostly it's like wearing a work of art. Some very creative people make those designs, and it's like whoever wears couture gets to be the canvas for the artists' expression. Or better yet, the muse.
Um, is it just me, or is Heat one of the best movies ever made? I watched The Town the other night and it totally reminded me of Heat. So I had to watch it again. Robert DeNiro is amazing, Val Kilmer is thin, and Al Pacino is his usual insane self. Pure greatness.
Heck, yes...
Um, no thanks...
So, a few months ago I went and got a haircut and some extensions. I didn't like my hair the way it was, so of course I felt compelled to go out and spend a fortune getting it all fixed up and pretty again.
Actually, I got a really good deal on it, but I'm poking fun at myself here, so let's go along with the story.
How I felt before:
How I felt after:
Note that the new hairstyle automatically takes off 15 pounds.
Brutally honest truth coming up....
I got the new hair cause I wanted to feel like I was at least kinda hot. Don't get me wrong, I don't have some delusion of myself as a hottie. I know what I am and what I'm not, but sometimes a girl just wants to at least feel sexy, you know? (Ok, any guys who may be reading this, you probably don't know. You can skip this part if you want.)
I'm so lame! I'm embarrassed that I'm so shallow sometimes... really, this is not how I am all the time. But I have a point to make and sometimes honesty is what makes the point become real to someone. So on I go.
I love the extensions.. the color is great, and it actually kinda does look like celebrity hair. And I admit, when I wear them, I feel like I am just hot sh..tuff. Hot shtuff. Yea.
But, really? Aren't I just perpetuating the ideas I hate, that beauty is on the outside and comes in only a certain form? Why was I being so shallow, and so desperate for others' attention, that I would expend so much energy to attain what I only perceived to be good attention?
I really have no problem with anyone wanting to look good, extensions, makeup, you name it. Anyone who knows me knows this. I'm the lip gloss queen. I was just disappointed in myself cause I knew the state of my mind and it was going to a place I didn't want it to go, where the volume of my hair was more important than the content of my character.
So I launched what I secretly called "operation inner beauty". I stopped wearing the extensions so much, stopped taking so much time getting ready for things, even wore track pants out of the house a few times (gasp!). I'm still working on it. But sometimes taking active steps to combat against something, even small steps, and even against something as silly as being too worried about my image, can really start a mental revolution and set you on a whole new thought track.
My point, now that I've reached the place to make it, is this: It's totally fine to look as hot as you want (um, not slutty. just hot). But remember, true beauty comes in the form of a humble spirit, a gentle and quiet personality, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Try it and see.. people won't be able to keep their eyes off of you.
And I completely believe that a gentle spirit can exist in a pair of bootcut Sevens and Balenciaga boots. It all comes back to balance.
My new goal: sweetness. That's all. I want to be known as the girl who has a sweet temperament, not the girl who has Jessica Simpson hair and a Naomi Campbell attitude to go along with it.
These shoes should fit nicely with that:
After all, matching your accessories to your personality is the new black.
Ciao, my gorgeous readers. Let your beautiful personalities light up your world.
Additions to my bucket list:
Rock some Louboutins on a Tuesday. In a fashionably appropriate city.
Conquer my fear of spiders by holding a tarantula in my hands and not freaking out. This one's gonna take some work!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Personality transplant complete. Sew her back up!
I smell like someone else's cologne.
Not that I have cologne myself, I just don't smell like the perfume I normally wear an... oh whatever. You get it.
My perfume:
Apparently I'm poisonous.
I hugged a friend this morning and now all day I keep getting whiffs of his cologne. Cologne transfer! At least it smells good and not like bear musk or whatever men wear these days. But it made me think..
I inadvertently took something from my brief encounter with him that stayed with me all day. What if I started doing that purposely with the good things I see in my friends and the people I encounter on a daily basis?
Not like personality plagarism or anything...like one of those creepy people who virtually turn into the people they spend time with or admire. It's more like...gleaning. Learning. I can totally think of a few people who have some really good characteristics, people that I want to be like.
I have a friend who just has a super sweet, caring personality, and I wish I was more like that. More sweet and less cynical.
One friend who always, always sees the best in everyone and truly loves people no matter what they do to him.
Someone who never gives up on his projects and goals.. if he wants it done, it gets done. I sometimes give up halfway through things and I hate that about myself.
And a few friends with kids, that really display their patience and selflessness time and time again, which I really admire.
Instead of Calvin Klein, I want to emanate this.. sweetness, unconditional love, patience, selflessness, perseverance.
I'm working on it.
Then there are those people who instantly bring out something in me I'd rather keep hidden.. though most of the time the person doesn't do anything at all. It's just always been there in me, waiting to show it's head like a Whack-A-Mole. Where's a mallet when I need it?
There's some people who just need a little extra attention. After a point, I find myself drawing in and away instead of reaching out to them.
A person who is always so put together and gorgeous that I instantly start critiquing myself. "Am I wearing STRIPED socks?! Is my hair brushed?! Where are my super-flat awesome abs?!?"
And worst of all, an on-and-off friend who sometimes gets too busy with other things to maintain the friendship. I really have to fight off bitterness on this kind of thing.."What, I'm not worth your time anymore? I'm not good enough, not worth your time now that you have something better?"
Dangerous, dangerous ground.
Run, Kimee, run!
Ok, and to wrap this thing up, I'd like to give a shout out to my friend Chelsey "hottest thing in kickboxing gloves" Gowins, who asked the other night if I have a bucket list. I don't, but I thought I'd start one and grace all of you with its illustrious presence here on the blog.
I just realized that Chelsey has a little competition for hottest thing in kickboxing gloves, cause no one can compete with GSP and that French accent or whatever it is. Sorry Chels. Maybe when The Ultimate Fighter is over you can have your title back.
Bucket list: (in no particular order)
Live in Italy for a month or two and learn Italian cooking from the locals.
Own (and drive) a motorcycle.
Drive a race car. (Danica Patrick is my hero.)
Host a cooking show.
Open a bakery and use the proceeds to do good stuff for the community around me.
Be the frontwoman for a rock band and thrash around the stage like Lacey Mosley.
There are alot more. But I've gotta go finish a cake for some little ones.. so I leave you with this thought.
Don't let the "scent" of negative things stay with you in your daily encounters with other humans. Take with you the constructive and good things, and don't let the bad things cling. Be the fragrance to the world that God intended you to be..
I like to think of my "scent" as sweet, yet strong, with an unexpected note of spice. :)
What's yours?
Not that I have cologne myself, I just don't smell like the perfume I normally wear an... oh whatever. You get it.
My perfume:
Apparently I'm poisonous.
I hugged a friend this morning and now all day I keep getting whiffs of his cologne. Cologne transfer! At least it smells good and not like bear musk or whatever men wear these days. But it made me think..
I inadvertently took something from my brief encounter with him that stayed with me all day. What if I started doing that purposely with the good things I see in my friends and the people I encounter on a daily basis?
Not like personality plagarism or anything...like one of those creepy people who virtually turn into the people they spend time with or admire. It's more like...gleaning. Learning. I can totally think of a few people who have some really good characteristics, people that I want to be like.
I have a friend who just has a super sweet, caring personality, and I wish I was more like that. More sweet and less cynical.
One friend who always, always sees the best in everyone and truly loves people no matter what they do to him.
Someone who never gives up on his projects and goals.. if he wants it done, it gets done. I sometimes give up halfway through things and I hate that about myself.
And a few friends with kids, that really display their patience and selflessness time and time again, which I really admire.
Instead of Calvin Klein, I want to emanate this.. sweetness, unconditional love, patience, selflessness, perseverance.
I'm working on it.
Then there are those people who instantly bring out something in me I'd rather keep hidden.. though most of the time the person doesn't do anything at all. It's just always been there in me, waiting to show it's head like a Whack-A-Mole. Where's a mallet when I need it?
There's some people who just need a little extra attention. After a point, I find myself drawing in and away instead of reaching out to them.
A person who is always so put together and gorgeous that I instantly start critiquing myself. "Am I wearing STRIPED socks?! Is my hair brushed?! Where are my super-flat awesome abs?!?"
And worst of all, an on-and-off friend who sometimes gets too busy with other things to maintain the friendship. I really have to fight off bitterness on this kind of thing.."What, I'm not worth your time anymore? I'm not good enough, not worth your time now that you have something better?"
Dangerous, dangerous ground.
Run, Kimee, run!
Ok, and to wrap this thing up, I'd like to give a shout out to my friend Chelsey "hottest thing in kickboxing gloves" Gowins, who asked the other night if I have a bucket list. I don't, but I thought I'd start one and grace all of you with its illustrious presence here on the blog.
I just realized that Chelsey has a little competition for hottest thing in kickboxing gloves, cause no one can compete with GSP and that French accent or whatever it is. Sorry Chels. Maybe when The Ultimate Fighter is over you can have your title back.
Bucket list: (in no particular order)
Live in Italy for a month or two and learn Italian cooking from the locals.
Own (and drive) a motorcycle.
Drive a race car. (Danica Patrick is my hero.)
Host a cooking show.
Open a bakery and use the proceeds to do good stuff for the community around me.
Be the frontwoman for a rock band and thrash around the stage like Lacey Mosley.
There are alot more. But I've gotta go finish a cake for some little ones.. so I leave you with this thought.
Don't let the "scent" of negative things stay with you in your daily encounters with other humans. Take with you the constructive and good things, and don't let the bad things cling. Be the fragrance to the world that God intended you to be..
I like to think of my "scent" as sweet, yet strong, with an unexpected note of spice. :)
What's yours?
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Balance, baby!
I need some really tiny tweezers cause I got something stuck in my iPod port. This does happen from time to time.. last time I took it to the Apple store and they found a crumb of muffin in there.
How they knew it was a muffin, I'm not certain. I'm sure they were right though.
Sometimes when I open the cupboard to get a bowl I am pretty sure there is a spider in the bowl waiting to run down my arm. But there never is, and this makes me happy.
What I think I'm gonna see:
What I actually see:
And all is well.
Update: I got tiny tweezers and fixed the iPod. Pwnd.
Anyway. So, I felt like I was turning into a monster last night and couldn't figure out why Beotchy McBeotch was taking up residence in my mind and using my mouth to do her nefarious bidding. So after a little introspection and a slap or two to the face, I found the answer. I've been wrapped up in work and letting everything else slide, including my attitude, my eating and sleeping habits, and my general mental health. I'm all out of balance and it's starting to show.
To sum up, I forgot the there is life outside of work and put 109.5 percent of my energy into my job, leaving approximately .5 percent for me. Yes, math geeks, I live at 110 percent all the time. Balla!
So I took the day to recover, did all the laundry, Feng Shui'd the heck out of the place, and even got some errands done. I refrained from shoe shopping or making an impromptu drive to Nordstrom (60 miles away), earning myself 2 gold stars as well as macaroni and cheese for lunch.
I know this is not a cure, though. I've got to start taking steps to keep my life from going crazy just cause I have to work a few extra hours a week.
Step 1: Bake these and give them to friends.
Making food for other people automatically makes you feel like a rock star. Don't forget to save yourself a bite of batter. Rock stars need carbs to survive.
Step 2: Put good stuff in my mind. Good stuff in, good stuff out.
Maybe the Next-To-Scariest-Movie-Ever would be ok though.
Step 3: Eat good things that give me energy, not make my body want to run a marathon one minute and die gasping on the floor the next. Bakery floors are gross.
Step 4: Talk it out, baby. Don't hold stuff in for too long. That never ends up well.
Just ask Mel Gibson.
Well, enough of this for now. And remember, too much of a good thing is still just too much.
Pretty!
Not pretty :(
How they knew it was a muffin, I'm not certain. I'm sure they were right though.
Sometimes when I open the cupboard to get a bowl I am pretty sure there is a spider in the bowl waiting to run down my arm. But there never is, and this makes me happy.
What I think I'm gonna see:
What I actually see:
And all is well.
Update: I got tiny tweezers and fixed the iPod. Pwnd.
Anyway. So, I felt like I was turning into a monster last night and couldn't figure out why Beotchy McBeotch was taking up residence in my mind and using my mouth to do her nefarious bidding. So after a little introspection and a slap or two to the face, I found the answer. I've been wrapped up in work and letting everything else slide, including my attitude, my eating and sleeping habits, and my general mental health. I'm all out of balance and it's starting to show.
To sum up, I forgot the there is life outside of work and put 109.5 percent of my energy into my job, leaving approximately .5 percent for me. Yes, math geeks, I live at 110 percent all the time. Balla!
So I took the day to recover, did all the laundry, Feng Shui'd the heck out of the place, and even got some errands done. I refrained from shoe shopping or making an impromptu drive to Nordstrom (60 miles away), earning myself 2 gold stars as well as macaroni and cheese for lunch.
I know this is not a cure, though. I've got to start taking steps to keep my life from going crazy just cause I have to work a few extra hours a week.
Step 1: Bake these and give them to friends.
Making food for other people automatically makes you feel like a rock star. Don't forget to save yourself a bite of batter. Rock stars need carbs to survive.
Step 2: Put good stuff in my mind. Good stuff in, good stuff out.
Maybe the Next-To-Scariest-Movie-Ever would be ok though.
Step 3: Eat good things that give me energy, not make my body want to run a marathon one minute and die gasping on the floor the next. Bakery floors are gross.
Step 4: Talk it out, baby. Don't hold stuff in for too long. That never ends up well.
Just ask Mel Gibson.
Well, enough of this for now. And remember, too much of a good thing is still just too much.
Pretty!
Not pretty :(
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