Unexplainable.

It's funny where life takes us.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would somehow still have the same major highlights even if I had made different decisions along the way.

I got my current job, a job I really love, because I was coming out of culinary school and needed an internship, but I wonder if somehow I would have still ended up working where I am if I had never chosen to train as a pastry chef.

My mental and emotional health made a swift recovery when I chose to quit a stressful job years ago and pursue a career I'd love, but I suspect that I would have ended up finding myself peaceful and in my favored career path even if I hadn't had the courage to walk away from what was secure at the time.

I met the majority of my closest friends because I happened to choose a certain church to attend when I was a teenager, but I think it's possible we would still have ended up in each other's lives even if I had gone to the church down the road.

I've always believed that God has a hand in the directions our lives take, especially when we choose to let Him direct us. But even in the times where we decide to control our own paths, I still believe that He watches over us and often steps in to intervene when we want to make those inevitable, really bad, decisions.

Because He loves us.

But I can't explain why it is that He sometimes doesn't step in when really terrible things happen. I find myself questioning sometimes, why doesn't He do something? Why do my loved ones suffer with terrible injuries and diseases? Why do some people within my church family treat each other so badly, and then pretend they don't? If God loves us all so much, why do good people go through such bad things sometimes?

It bothers me, this apparent conflict. It bothers me when I can't explain things logically. But then I have to remind myself that faith isn't about logic. There are many things about faith that CAN be thought about and reconciled in a logical manner. Things that I see evidence of, that I see truth in, even some of the smaller things that I can accept as not making complete sense to my finite mind, and choosing to apply my faith to.

It's the larger things that I have to really struggle to get behind, when I just can't explain them. Things like I mentioned above. If God loves us like I've been told all my life, why so much suffering?

I've often attributed suffering to human selfishness, error, and greed. I do believe that so many tragic things in the world can be explained by the fact that we have free will, and when we exercise that free will and make decisions of any sort, people around us are inevitable affected, both positively and negatively. We often like to take credit for the positive and blame God for the negative, but that's not really fair now, is it?

Things like cancer and chronic pain and siblings being murdered on the street - those things I can't help but ask God why He didn't step in. Why can't He heal my mom, when the Bible says He is a healer? Why did my friend's sister die on the street at the hands of an abusive ex, leaving a baby behind, when He is supposed to be a defender of the defenseless? Why do we and our loved ones suffer from cancers and seizures and on and on and on, when we serve Him faithfully for years?

The truth is, I don't know. I may never know. But this is faith. Trusting that even if you can't see the results, the reasons behind things, you can still believe.

I'm not gonna lie and tell you that there are not some days where I don't know if I can keep trusting in a God that lets this kind of stuff happen. That I never have a doubt or a fear, that everyday is rainbows and sunshine. I'm a natural person that believes in a supernatural God, and that causes a collision of faith and logic in my life from time to time.

I guess it comes down to this: I made a choice. I do believe in God and that His nature is love. I'm not going to change or give up on a core principle of what I believe just because I can't explain everything in the manner I'd like to see it explained.

And though I've seen plenty of suffering and pain and sadness, I've seen an overwhelming amount of the opposite in my life as well, and the lives of every person I know. God has guided me through so many terrible things, made all of the pieces fall into place when I could have never done it myself, and brought so many downright amazing things into my life. He has used my life experiences, family, friends and the awareness of His love to make me into who I am now, and who I am becoming in the future.

I'm far from perfect. I make bad decisions and choices. I keep doing the same things over and over again that I know are destructive for me, yet He never gives up on me. He never ceases to remind me that in spite of everything, He still loves me for who I am, not because I've been good and holy enough to have earned His love for another month or two. He still loves to bring good things into my life. He still protects me from the things I may have never even have seen coming.

I guess I'll have to leave it at that for now. Anyone who knows me knows that I try to be as transparent as possible in my life. I don't have all the answers and often I write just to try to figure out things myself, in the hope that someone else can learn from my wanderings.

It's Christmas. 2011. Take a moment to reflect today. Think about the good things, think about the bad things, take the good from the negative situations, and move on. Love like you've never been hurt. Believe.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Love, Yo.

I am a ponderer. (Or, so I've been told.)

I think about stuff a lot. A lot. When I'm driving. When I'm doing laundry. When I'm working. Sometimes even when I'm sleeping. What can I say? I'm a multi-tasker.

The result of all this thinking is that I end up coming to some conclusions. Sometimes these thoughts are influenced by my emotions, because I am a girl. Usually I can overlook the emotion and get to the truth of things though.

I thought I'd write about some truths I find to be in existence, and at the forefront of my life, right now.

1. - I believe in love.
I'm a sucker for love (yes, I mean romantic-type love). It never works out for me but I still seek it out. I keep coming back for more. Opening myself up to love others has the most power to damage me out of anything else in my life, yet when I think I find it, I joyfully abandon myself to it. I'm like those fish you see that just fling themselves out of the water and splash back down in it. I immerse myself. I swim. I become so devoted to love that I will keep myself in what might otherwise be an unhealthy situation just to give someone one..more...chance. And eventually they come around. But usually it's when they're with someone else. (Go ahead, give me an "awwwww".)

When it doesn't work out, I get sad, but I keep swimming around, trying not to bite any worm-baited hooks, til the next lunker comes along. Every 3 years or so. Hahaha.

No, I'm serious. I have a boyfriend every three years or so. Or, if you look at it this way... I've had like 15 "date-able" years so far... and 3 boyfriends. So I'm actually averaging 1 every 5 years! Didn't you start reading this blog just because there was an off chance that you'd get a glimpse into the patheticness (not a real word) of my love life? Well, there ya go. Drink it in. Just think, you won't have to read any love blogs from me for like 4.9 years.

Wow, I'll be getting close to 40 by then. O_O


2. - I believe in second chances.
But strangely enough, I believe in second chances for others way more than I believe in them for myself. I want to smack myself for the things I've done to mess up my life over the years. But if someone else had done the same things, I'd just want to make them a cupcake and tell them everything will work out, that I wouldn't dream of not forgiving them.
But I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I'll give people chance after chance, even if it's killing me inside, until either a.) they give up - ironically, b.) I finally give up, or c.) I run away cause I'm scared.

All of the above choices have actually happened.

Sounds a bit unhealthy, actually. But I've never claimed to have it all together. I just like to talk about my stuff and see if someone else can learn from it before they do the same thing. Or just talk about it for pure entertainment value.

No one should ever be cut off from others because of one failure. We have to learn to give each other second chances. I'm so freakin imperfect that I literally would have no one around me if everyone I love hadn't given me second chances over the years. Yes, there are people who decided not to give me a second chance, and I guess I'll never know what would have happened if they had.. I might have just ruined that chance too. But that's not for me to dwell on. Or for you to dwell on. If you've lost a friend because they wouldn't give you a second chance, you're probably better off without them anyway. Harsh. But true.

3. - I believe that love is stronger than fear.
Simply put, when we choose to love in the face of uncertainty, we prove that love is stronger than fear. Nothing is certain in life except for that on which we set our hearts. We can make the choice to not love because we are afraid, but that doesn't mean love isn't stronger. It's like facing a chihuahua with a bulldog. We all know whose little Latino face is gonna get ripped off when the rumble starts, right? But if we never let the bulldog off the leash, and the chihuahua walks away with all appendages intact, does that mean the chihuahua was stronger? Nope. No way. Love is like a bulldog, baby. It will OWN fear if you let it.

Don't be afraid to love. It's too fantastic to miss, even during its bad moments. Which leads to my last one:

4. - I believe that love is a choice.
It's not always easy to love. It's downright ridiculous sometimes. It sucks to smile and kiss the face of someone who has hurt you. It's like injustice is stabbing you with a genuine Hattori Hanzo when you choose to take the higher road and treat someone with love and respect and they are walking all over you. It's not easy to keep your focus on the person who no longer seems to cause that "spark" in you, especially when there seem to be so many other options out there.

What is easy is letting your love fade or letting yourself get distracted by all the other things out there that want your time.

Some days, we have to choose to fight for love.

And when you make the choice to love even when you don't feel like it, something in you becomes even more attached to the object of your affection than it ever was before. Sparks and passion are great, but stability, faithfulness, devotion, and really knowing someone because you've been through it all with them are way better, in my opinion.

You might say, "What is this chick talking about? She's a failure at love."

You're right, I am. But the thing is - I'm not giving up. I'll keep trying until I get it right, and when I get it right, it's gonna be fantastic.

Besides, I'm a hopeless romantic with a lot of time to think about this stuff. Let me do all the pondering for you. :)

Knights In Shining.. V-Necks.

I'm just gonna go ahead and put this out there:

There are no knights in shining armor.

Sorry, ladies, but you wouldn't want them anyway. They would be all sweaty and gross under all that metal.

There are, however, knights in v-necks. Heroes in Toms. Soldiers in skinny ties. There are real guys out there who are fighting for good, in a normal, down-to-earth-way.

Those who put on their work clothes every morning and head out, treating everyone they meet to a sweet smile and a healthy dose of grace, no matter how they treat him.

Ones who wear Clark Kent glasses but inside have the resilient heart of a superhero, that would firmly stand by, and quietly defend, those who are hurting.

Some who may themselves be suffering, but decide to overlook their pain in order to teach others how to heal.

A few who have had dark pasts, but choose to look at the beauty in the everyday, and always have an encouraging word to say to someone.

Some of them are quiet but would fight to the end if someone they loved were threatened.

Some of them are loud but inside they care more than anyone else you know, you just have to look for it.

Unassuming, but powerful. Goofy, but grounded. Talent in a plain wrapper. Peace underneath the swagger.

We are all more than we seem to be on the surface.. it's worth the time to dig deeper into those around you that you think you may know. There's probably a lot more to them than you ever realized.

What's Your Dream?

I've discovered that I like to hear about other people's dreams. Not dreams as in "what crazy stories my mind played out when I was sleeping last night", but "what I dream of doing/being/seeing in my life."

Sometimes I forget to invest in my own dreams. I haven't had much desire to dream lately because I've been a little single-minded. But usually, at any given time in my life, there is one dream that won't go away no matter what I do. It just gets stronger.

I'm pretty good at talking myself into things. I can truly convince myself of the potential in someone or something. As well as the opposite - I can make myself so afraid of trying something because of the potential to fail, that I'll be able to completely set it aside as impossible. Even if it's really not.

This can be tough because when something breaks into my understood reality and new perspective comes flooding in, I feel... lost. I can't believe the things I've convinced myself of. On the other hand this can be great because it can cause such a focus that I'll do almost anything to reach my goal.

I know what I dream of today. But the future, at least the near future, doesn't seem to have this dream in it. That's ok. I can wait if I have to. What I really want to hear about is YOUR dreams. What's on your heart to accomplish this day, this week, this year? Who do you want to be tomorrow?

Help me dream again. :)

All The Single Ladies... OK, All The Ladies.

I found this when I was browsing StumbleUpon, which every one in the world needs to check out. It's full of great random pictures, websites, blogs, and music.
Something else every one in the world needs to check out - Maroon 5's newest album. It's incredible. The quality of music and writing more than makes up for the fact the Adam Levine is so damn ugly these days. You don't think about his face or tattoos at all when listening. Really. Or his abs. Especially not those.

Ahem.

Back on subject. This was a random blog from what appeared to be Iceland.. this particular part was in English but the rest was in.. some other language. It was called "50 Things She Wishes You Knew".

I cut out a few cause they were lame or too risque. The notes in parentheses are mine. :)

Universal truths that all men should understand:

Real men drive stick shift.
I will leave if you lie.
You are cute in those two-toned baseball shirts. (amen, sista!)
I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
"Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. (Details, please.)
I smile simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
I expect you to call me.
Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. (um, Adam Levine!!!!!)
I'm scared of losing my independence.
I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. (And I'll probably continue to be, as long as you don't take advantage of it.)
Manolo Blahnik shoes are your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card.
You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm really not. See above.
Your shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it (or in my case, a Backstreet Boys CD.)
When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
The ideal man plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
You look hot in hooded clothing items. (So true. Why is that, anyway?Also thermal shirts. I melt. In a good way.)
If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
I want to be Madonna. (Or in my case, Rihanna)
I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, and holding a baby. (Truth.)
I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
Surprises = love.
I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you - and for you to recognize this.
I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't really know it yourself.
Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns you bonus points.
It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
I remember everything about our relationship.

This made me smile. Unlike Adam Levine's 5 'o clock shadow. THAT just makes me cringe.

Assigned Value

Man, I wish I had a laptop. I really wanted to write this post while watching Kill Bill but my desktop is ancient and distinctly non-portable. So I wrote it all out on this old-fashioned stuff called "paper" and typed it all back in. Cause I'm cool like that.

As I was driving around today I was thinking about a situation I had a while back, where a friend told me that the way another friend was treating me was "not good enough" for the person that I am. That I had more value than letting myself be treated this way.

This happens to me every so often. I guess it means that I settle. A lot.

But I don't feel like I settle. I feel like I have to take what I can get in life. Friendships, jobs, relationships, opportunities to see my dreams come to pass... I get what I get, even if it's not always ideal, cause that's all I deserve. For being a huge advocate of women in particular understanding their value, it's pretty ironic that I can't seem to see my own.

Most of the people in my life that I sought to receive an affirmation of value from have treated me in ways that said I had little, or no, actual value to them. Not in every situation, of course, but they have done enough seriously messed up things to me that I think, in my core, I just believe that it's what I'm worth.

Being lied to. Being told I am a forerunner, a leader with a bright future, only to have my integrity questioned and subsequently thrown out of my position just because the squeakiest wheel wouldn't shut up. Being dumped for other girls. Turning my family against me in order to protect themselves. Telling me I don't have talent. Telling me I have a bad attitude. Leaving me. Verbally abusing me. Ignoring me.

Sometimes it was due to neglect. Sometimes it was selfishness, and a few times it was with the intention to hurt me, probably driven by the need to ease the ache of the pain inflicted on them. Regardless, the fact is that those I placed the greatest trust in betrayed me in the most spectacular manner possible.

Any wonder why I don't see myself as valuable?

And the things that have happened to me are small compared to what many other people go through.

Any wonder why so many people don't see themselves as valuable?

I've even started to question the depth of my value to God. I grew up as a Christian, always being told "Jesus loves me" and such phrases, many of which most of us have heard at one point or another. I never really doubted that, even in the face of terrible circumstances, because I was always able to understand that the actions of man are very often not a direct reflection of the mind of God. People do things. God is still God.

I've been in such a downward spiral lately that I've become consumed with the bad things people have done to me. And I can't stop thinking of all the terrible things I've done in my life, to others as well as just to myself. And all this spiraling and doubting makes me seriously sad. Everything I've believed in for my entire life is being questioned by my soul because people can be terrible to each other.

The thing is, I know truth when I see it. It's just been buried under such a mountain of hurt and destruction lately that I can't seem to even set eyes on it again. How do I dig out?

The first way I try to handle things is the "All Is Well" method. Basically pretending that nothing is wrong. Or having an idea that something is wrong, but ignoring it, because "Christians aren't supposed to have issues". That's bull. Pardon me, but it is. Christians are people, and people go through things. We have issues like everyone else. Just because the church in general has tried to make it seem like Christians are somehow set above everyone else doesn't make it true. So, lying to myself and saying it's all ok, when it's really not, is pretty pointless.

Sometimes I go for the "White Knight" method. I seek refuge in people, those who can "rescue" me from my emotional wreckage and help me up. Who will help me remember who I am, and what I am worth. Usually this doesn't work out. Because we are all flawed. We all make mistakes and cannot support each other 100% of the time. So when the knight I've chosen falls from his or her trusty steed and messes up, I get terrified and put up the walls. "Oh, time to start taking care of everything myself again. No need to trust anyone.. they will only let me down."

This leads to my next method... the "Self Protect/Self Destruct" method. I create a sort of emotional shell and cut myself off from those who could potentially help me, not letting people know what's really going on deep down, telling myself that I'll just get through it myself and not burden anyone else with my issues. This leads to the second half of the method - "self-destruct" - when I start to crumble and instead of turning outward for help, I go numb. Which leads to more and more self destructive behavior. Because when I'm numb, I can't hurt. And when I can't hurt, I don't feel guilt. It's safer that way. Until your bank account is empty because you're compulsively spending, and your heart is broken because you tried to fix the hurt in the arms of a man who is also damaged.

Guess which ones I've been doing lately? Ding ding ding! You got it.

I'm all busted up. I'm wrecked. Broken dreams. Broken spirit. Broken heart. My soul aches every day for the pain of lost vision and lost love. I put everything of myself into chasing a dream that was kicked out from under me because of gossip, religion, and poor communication. I gave all of myself to try to start a relationship with someone that just wasn't able to reciprocate. I'm tired of hurting and crying and pretending it's all ok.

It will all be ok eventually. I know this. There will be new opportunities for me. Of this, I have no doubt. I write this to encourage anyone who is also suffering to just persevere.

Acknowledge that you are hurt. Find the cause and address it. Don't run away from it or seek distractions that will take your mind off of it. Face it head on. Decide what of the situation was your fault, and make the decision to change your behavior. Once your mind is truly made up, your heart will follow suit.

I choose to move on from this point. Sure, it's likely I will have a few more crying jags, and the ache isn't just gonna disappear. But I make the decision, now, that I will take the good from these situations and go forth with it, and build something new in the midst of the ashes.

Make the choice to forgive. There will be no healing unless you release others. It doesn't make them right or any less guilty. It just frees your heart and mind to move on.

I choose to forgive. I release those who turned against me, intentionally or inadvertently, and I hope that they can learn from these things, as I am learning. I am as guilty as anyone else of treating people badly at one time or another, and my decision is to forgive myself as well as others for the things that went wrong.

Lastly, make a game plan. Decide what steps you need to take to heal, and do them. Seek out people who will support you as you get back on your feet. Don't freak out when they mess up and say or do something that hurts you a little. They are human too. Get counseling if you need it. Blog. Write a song. Paint a picture. Go on a 3 day wilderness hike and make yourself remember who you are (leave an itinerary, please. Don't go all 127 Hours on us). Get a hamster. Buy a Camaro, for all I care. Just don't forget that the payments will be there long after the hurt is gone. :)

I choose to lean on my friends and family right now for support. I choose to accept that they may possibly say or do something that is less than helpful to me right now, and decide now to let it go and return to them the grace that they are so generously extending to me. I choose to keep seeking out the avenues that will help me get my thoughts straight and choose to make good decisions in the healing process, so I won't have a bunch of regrets and consequences of bad decisions hanging over me when this mess is all over with.

I posted the other day that "happy is a choice". I took it down because I realized that I didn't really believe it, that there are circumstances in which we just can't be happy no matter what we "choose". What I do believe is this - "Taking steps toward happy is a choice".

So, wounded soldiers, start walking towards happy. And if you're not wounded, hold the hand of someone who is. They will appreciate it. I guarantee it. And they will likely be there to walk with you if you find yourself on the other side.

Don't Quote Me On This, But...

I didn't say any of these quotes. Have fun figuring out who did. :)

"He (Bradley Cooper) IS hot. I totally have a man crush on him."

"They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink, so you don't miss anything."

"I have been bound by the shackles of love, and I don't mind if I die tied up."

"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."

"What once was hurt, what once was friction.. what left a mark no longer stings. Because grace makes beauty out of ugly things"

"I brought you flours."

"Screw you, 7-10 days!"

"I'm all about the V-neck shirts on men, but sir, there isn't anything sexy about a V-neck that comes to your bellybutton"


Hope something there made ya smile. :)

Ah, The American Dream

Something strange happened to me this weekend. Well, I'm sure there was more than one strange thing, but this one stood out to me enough to blog about it.

I wanted a family.

Now don't misunderstand, I do have a great family. Parents, siblings, a niece and nephew (and one on the way!) that I adore and that love me. Aunts, uncles, and cousins galore. I guess I could say it this way:

I wanted kids.

This is not normal for me. I love kids. I've just never been the girl who could see herself in the 2 kids-station wagon-suburban house mold. Never been against it, just couldn't see it for myself. But I was out shopping the other day and saw all the families doing their back to school shopping, and something in me just kinda... longed.

Seeing the dads and sons dressed in their matching Duck gear, the dads telling their young daughters that they MAY NOT have those platform sandals - the mom standing by, nodding in agreement - something about it seemed so.. secure. Domestic. Wonderful.

Maybe it's just an off day for me, I don't know. I think what I long for is something stable and long-term. My life has been comprised of a series of changes and upheavals. Something has always been in transition, temporary, or fleeting. So many things that I thought I could count on, or that seemed like they would last forever, didn't.

I'm pretty sure I just want to have something steady. I love the idea of having the security of knowing where I'm gonna be in 5 years. Who I'm gonna be waking up next to. Planning for birthday parties, field trips, college. I guess that's pretty normal. But I've never felt like I was a normal girl.

I was realizing tonight, when thinking about this blog, that I really do feel like I'm not normal. I've always kind of lived in this bubble. When I was young, it was a bubble of religion. You act a certain way, believe certain things, and go to church, and things will turn out. You'll go to heaven eventually. You may or may not live a satisfying life in the meantime.

Then it became a bubble of self-protection. As things in my family deconstructed and I found myself in desperate circumstances, I turned inward to protect myself. I didn't trust anyone. Still have trouble with that, actually. I relied only on myself to take care of me.. because everyone else who was supposed to have taken care of me either had bailed, turned against me, or was busy trying to preserve themselves.

Then came what I call the bubble of anti-religion. I started to become so opposed to the idea of practicing religion, following rules and regulations just for the sake of following them or because it's been done that way for a looooong time, that I kinda went too far to the opposite direction. I started to almost despise anything that had to do with the rules of religion. I relied to much on the fact that God has grace for us when we mess up, and started to stop taking enough care in developing a relationship with Jesus, which is really all that the Bible asks us to do. That, and love others more than we love ourselves.

I've kinda always lived in extremes. All the way to one side or the other, no middle ground. This is also why I feel like I'm not really normal.

I got a taste of balance lately. I felt like a normal girl. And I want that back.

I was listening to a song tonight that had these lyrics:

"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside."

And I really couldn't tell if who I really am inside was the girl who lives to extremes and misses out on all the wonderful, normal, stuff in order to shoot for the extraordinary; or the girl who has stability but maybe doesn't exactly burn like a world-changing rocket all of the time.

I think that inside, I'm the second one. I'm tired of forcing myself to live this life of extremes, never feeling like a regular person cause I'm always so busy trying to accomplish the miraculous, which never seems to come about anyway.

I want my taste of normal back.

But I don't think I'm gonna get it. The reality is this: I don't fit in either way. I've tried sacrificing all the things I long for in order to try to change the world, and the world stayed the same. I've tried making a difference in the world on a smaller scale and focusing on seeing my dreams become reality, and the dreams still fell apart.

I'm in a strange limbo, a cryogenic stasis of the soul. Nothing is changing outwardly, but inside - atrophy. Both worlds rejected me. And I don't know if it's cause I'm simply inadequate, or because I'm still living to an unreasonable extreme. I've been told that you can have both, that you can make a difference in the world and still see your dreams comes true. I think I'm just worn out from the battle of trying to make both happen, and in the process, seeing neither happen.

Sometimes I just want a SUV and a picket fence.

But I've learned over the years that I can be content wherever I am. I suppose it's not abnormal to long for certain things, even if I can never really convince myself that I'll have them. I guess that in a way, it's what drives us to achieve more than we are now. It's what keeps us going.

Because I really don't think I'll get my back to school shopping trip or my picket fence. But that tiny hope inside of me that thinks "maybe... just maybe..." keeps me trying for it.

I don't mean to be negative, especially in light of the overwhelming positivity of some of my previous blog posts (not the last one, I know). I believe everything I write. I hope you don't feel like I'm a hypocrite for expounding on such hopeful faith before and writing about such longing and seeking now.

I believe that sometimes even people who have strong faith in things can have doubts and questions. It's how we work through them that matters.

It's ok to question. It's ok to learn. It's ok to doubt, because in working through doubt, we find out what it is that we truly believe in and stand for.

So find what you stand for. Then, stand.

Random Thoughts For Those Who Hurt

It's ok to go through things.

It's best to lean on close friends when things get hard. Trust in the people who have proven that they love you.

You don't have to have all the right words to say to someone who is sad. Sometimes a hug is enough.

Sometimes a hug is more than enough.

Even if the broken heart is our own fault, it still feels empty inside.

Sometimes it's not our fault. Still feels empty inside. I checked.

There is nothing too big to overcome if you trust in the right things.

Out of suffering, beautiful things can be formed.

Beautiful things can be formed out of happy times too.

Memories will linger. Sometimes they make you smile, sometimes they feel like they are hollowing out your soul. Be careful what you are putting in your head, cause it ain't going anywhere for quite a while.

When you are hurting, choose your words more carefully than ever. You can never erase it once it's out of your mouth.

This, too, will pass. It really will.

Don't be afraid to cry. Even if you are a big macho guy.

It's ok not to be strong or have it all together when you are being challenged. Your soul is being tempered into strength you've never had before, but first it has to be softened and reformed.

The things that challenge us the most always seem to be the things that end up molding us into the most beautiful shapes.

It's important to go through the steps of the grieving process when something bad happens. Just try not to linger on anger too long. It tends to turn to bitterness, which has no effect on anyone other than yourself.

Inspiring truths may or may not ease the pain. It doesn't diminish the truthfulness of their nature.

There are things that even shoe shopping can't fix. (gasp!)

Most importantly... don't do things that you know are going to damage you more, just because you are hurting. It's easy to shut yourself off from the world and the pain, and in doing so, make yourself numb to your own actions. Suffering can cause us to hide away, or self-medicate, or self-inflict. Don't let yourself believe that you are worth less just because someone may have treated you like you are. Sometimes people are blind. Don't let yourself become numb to the consequences of your actions just cause you are trying to dull the pain. The consequences will be waiting for you once you heal.

These things are on my mind cause I'm hurting. That's probably obvious. A few things have happened over the course of the last 2 months or so that have rocked me to my core. One situation was not my fault. One was. I take responsibility for it. I deserve to be hurting over it, and it's probably gonna affect me for a long time. The truth is, I was hurting so badly over the thing that was not my fault, I numbed myself to the pain by shutting myself off from everything. I don't think I felt any strong emotions for almost 2 weeks. I didn't care about doing right, and I didn't care about doing wrong.

This is a very dangerous place to be. Learn from my mistakes and don't fall for the lie that temporary distraction, as real as it may feel, will do any good for you in the long run.

I don't know how to end this one on a positive note. I'm still working through it all, though I've taken significant steps forward in the last few days.

Just don't give up, and don't give in. You're worth too much.

Relevant?

I want to be relevant.

Yes, I have faith. Some call it religion, though personally I shrink from the word. I don't follow rules and regulations just to follow them.

I believe in something bigger than myself.

I believe in love.

That's all that Jesus taught - love God above all else, and love others more than you love yourself. Can you imagine what the world would look like if we all acted like that?

Even just for one day?

It's not about following a set of rules to earn our holiness or earn our way into heaven. We can't earn it even if we try. It makes me sick that (some) Christians turn their backs on those who don't live up to their guidelines and are displaying "the bad sins" (say it in a deep scary voice for the best impact) - homosexuals, addicts, and so on - and wallow daily in the "little sins" - lying to each other, manipulating each other, and such.

Who are we trying to fool?

I am ashamed of myself when I recognize the signs of this kind of behavior creeping into my own life, and I am appalled at the state of Christianity in general some days for letting this kind of attitude prevail. Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of Christians living it out like they should - pouring themselves out for others, loving and respecting God above everything else. I see myself as this kind of Christian (but believe me, I fail at it sometimes).

That's the church I love, and long to continue to be a part of - and it is out there. The church is the people - a movement of people who are casting aside everything that's held us back in the past, and running forward with the goal of just loving God and loving people.

Relevant. I want to love others so that they can see and understand the love God has for them. That's all.

I can enjoy my life while I'm doing that, too. I don't have to be a nerdy, uptight recluse to be a Christian. In fact, I might go out dancing tonight just to prove it.

And I'll probably wear my new platform shoes. :)

And the Question On Everyone's Mind Is..... AKA "Geetting Down To The Neeety Greeety"

You know I can't be trusted with Super Glue, right?

I thought I'd be all smart and make a flower hair clip. Cause I'm head over heels for flower hair clips and they are kinda expensive sometimes... so, bright idea! Super Glue + fake flower + hair clip = pretty!!

Lets just say.. I probably wont be able to feel my fingertips for 3 days or so. And I gots me no pretty hair clips. :(

But enough of that. I posted on Facebook (or, as I call it - "the real world") that I'd answer some reader-submitted questions on my blog. Cause what ya'll want, ya'll get.

There were only 2 to start with. No big deal. Got this covered.

Then someone got all question-y and now there are 9. Hmmm. I'll give this a shot but I'm sleepy so we'll see how far I get.

The first one was:
"What is the hardest temptation that you have had to overcome, and have you overcome it?"

Probably my constant desire to be overly self-indulgent. Food, clothes, eating out, vacations, you name it. I always seem to want more than I actually need. So it's a constant discipline for me.. I am in the process of overcoming each day. Some days I fail miserably and with flair. Some days I rock it.

"What is my one admittable guilty pleasure?"

Well, I have more than one. But here's a good one: taking pics of myself and Photoshopping them to make me look all awesome. Either that, or making brownie batter expressly for the purpose of eating some of it.

"What do you count as your greatest triumph?"

I feel like I have great triumphs pretty often, but what was a triumph, say, 3 years ago is not such a big deal now that I've changed so much since then... and I can't really put my finger on one specific triumph for my entire life. So here's a few recent ones that I'm pretty stoked about:
Being offered a promotion at work. I love my job.
Getting to a place in life where I can let go of the bitterness I held from the past.
Finishing a half marathon.
Taking and passing the Team Oregon motorcycle class and getting my motorcycle endorsement.

"What's the grossest thing you've ever seen?"

Interesting question. And I have no idea.

"What's your opinion on "labels" such as "metal-head" and "punk"?"

I think labels have to be applied sparingly and with great consideration. Like Transformers, we are all "more than meets the eye."

"Have you ever heard a song that genuinely scared you?"

Can't say that I have.

"What would you say is your theme song?"

Oh man. It changes all the time! Right now I'm gonna say that it's a mash up of "Breathless", "Born This Way", "My Style", "Don't Cha", "Restless", and "Rooftops". figure out how to play THAT one.

And now the biggies...

"Who is Jesus to you? Not the standard Christian definition, who is he to you personally?"

Well I'm not sure I could tell you the "standard Christian definition" even if I wanted to, which I don't. So to me, Jesus is these things:
Friend.
Savior.
Comforter.
Love.
Loyal.
Inspiration.
Motivation.
Freedom.
Worth sacrifice.
Forgiver of my failures.
Provider of grace to do better when I mess up.


"When you feel like giving up, what keeps you going?"

It depends on the situation.. sometimes it's pure stubbornness, sometimes it's cause I want to impress people around me (not gonna lie), but mostly it's just cause I really want to be a better person and set myself up to live an amazing life, not just for me, but so I can help those around me. If I'm strong, empowered, and resourceful, I can make a difference in the lives of others. And to keep going when I feel like giving up helps me get to those places.

But for right now, the only place I want to get to is bed. I needs me some beauty sleep!

When All Else Fails, Stand.

(side note - this is re-posted from last week, with some edits. A friend thought it was kinda rant-y so I fixed it up a little. Proceed.)

Tempestuous.
That's how I'd describe this week, if I were asked. If I were asked what day it was, I would say "Friday!" with absolute certainty, cause surely, surely, it can't be only Tuesday... can it?

Yep. 3 days in and it's already all a blur. I was sitting here tonight trying to focus on something and finding myself so, so, distracted. So many things were fighting for my attention and mental focus that I could barely think straight. It's a little thing I like to call "overwhelmed". Being the masochistic person I am, I kinda like it when I start to get to that point. It's like the world is taunting me, asking me what I'm really made of, throwing down the gauntlet.

Challenge accepted.

If there's anything I've learned about myself over the last few years, it's that I always end up able to handle a lot more than I initially think I can. It's all about foundation. You know what you're built on, what you're built of, and many things just become water under the bridge, so to speak. It's not so hard to let things go, or focus in on what's really important, when you're secure in your footing.

I know who I am, Who I belong to, where my hope lies. I am finding out more every day about what I am destined for, who I am destined to become, and what kinds of people I need to partner with, or protect myself against, as I walk my path.

A friend warned me recently that though you may think that some people are your allies, they in fact are not. It's usually pretty obvious when you let yourself think about it. A person's actions will end up revealing exactly what they are aligned with, every time. But sometimes we talk ourselves out of something, because we really, really wish it wasn't that way. Silly humans.

Never let those with unclear allegiances take you off of your course. Stay firm! Protect yourself from those traitors to your destiny. Someone who will say they are for you but not stand for you when the heat is on, is not a ally at all.. and you can't afford to get sidetracked from your future just in order to try to bring them with you.

Some people have to be left to go their own course, at times. God has a way of getting a hold of their hearts and reminding them of their own destiny. He will not fail them, just as He will not fail you.. though you may feel alone at times.

You are not.

Sometimes we lose parts of ourselves that we never intended to let go of. Sometimes we give them away, sometimes they are taken. Another little tidbit that a friend reminded me of this week... you have to protect your heart. And I don't mean in a romantic sense or anything, I mean your heart. The core of you, who you are inside.

Who you let have influence over you is so, so, essential. Some people will enable you and empower you to grow. They will help you see your flaws and help you work your way out of them. They will lead by example and help show you where to go.

Others won't. For whatever reasons, and for whatever motivations, they simply will not help others reach their dreams, and in worst case scenarios, actually try to keep them back.

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Seriously, and mostly I direct this toward my female readers, who tend to have more sensitive hearts than them boys, guard your heart. Again, not talking about romance. Find out the core of who you are, what you stand for, and where you are going, and steer far clear of those who refuse to put themselves aside and partner with you.

Don't let yourself become a person who will step on others to get where they want to go. Don't become a manipulator. Don't settle for anything less than complete, transparent, honesty. Don't sell yourself short by accepting that kind of treatment from others, and never, never, let yourself become someone else's dream killer.

Cause that's just not cool.

One final thought: I was at work yesterday (I was gonna say 'last week' cause it seems like forever ago already, but no, it was yesterday) and had all these little issues coming up and bombarding me. I just kept telling myself, "let the small stuff go, wait for the real battle to come so you can take your stand then."

And I realized...
The battle IS the small stuff.

The everyday, making one small good decision, defending one small injustice, taking a stand on one small issue just because it is right. I can't let the small battles go by, unfought, and then expect that I won't have a world war waiting for me at the end. One that I am not ready to handle because I refused to train myself by dealing with the small things as they came.

My stand is to take a stand now, because no "small injustice" is actually just, no "small wrong" is actually right, and no "small lie" is actually truth.

Sometimes it's just black and white, and as yet another friend told me, "sometimes you've just got to throw an elbow".

In love, of course. :)

Death Has No Hold

Raise your hand if you knew that I used to be suicidal.......anyone? no?

You might find that surprising, or maybe not.. but if you think about it, it's not really too far of a stretch to think that anyone these days, particularly of my generation or younger, could have been subject to the kinds of depression and hopelessness that might make one consider ending one's life. Even I, who grew up going to church, got to a point where I felt like I could take no more, that the small amount of hope I knew would not be enough to push through one more day of hell.

Though I have my concerns about the relevance of churches these days, I cannot deny that the fact that I grew up in church, the fact that my very foundations were based on the truth that God loved me and had some sort of plan for me, was all that saved me when I had a razorblade to my wrist and no more tears left to cry. When I felt like I had no one on my side, no one I could talk to or count on, no one who wouldn't throw me under the bus to save themselves, a small voice spoke to me and reminded me that I have a purpose.

It's what I would now think of as a "divine moment", a touch of the sacred in the most dire and dark of circumstances. What a Savior.. reaching down into that little bathroom to lift up a broken, lonely, angry, confused little wretch like myself and remind her that the tiny, tiny light she saw at the end of the tunnel was, in fact, her salvation. Not salvation in an eternal-soul kind of sense, just salvation from the hell of depression, abuse, and deception she was submersed in on a daily basis.

And now that I can look back, see that girl trudging on one day at a time, slowly stepping into better circumstances, holding on when it made no sense to hold on... it all turned out to what you see today - peaceful, content, driven, loving, and loved. Me, now. I've never been more happy, focused, strong, or empowered as I am now, and it gets better every day.

I'm not gonna drag this one out. I just felt like it was time to share that part of myself, and say this:

Life can be rough. Correction - life will be rough. You can count on rough times in life, no matter what you say, do, believe, or think. Protestant, Atheist, Hindu, Buddhist, worshiper of cheddar cheese.. it doesn't make a difference.

God loves you. You've probably heard it a million times, but that does not make it any less true.. He does love you, desperately.

He has a plan for you even if it seems like there is no way forward.

He can, and will, come to rescue you when you call out to Him. He can't help it. He's our daddy, our father, and just as much as most fathers would give up anything to rescue their child, so it is with God.

Just sit back for a moment and let it sink in. The God of the Universe, creator of everything, just wants to be your dad. He wants to talk to you and He wants you to talk to Him. He wants to be involved in your life, to comfort, guide, direct, even laugh with you.

Don't pass it up.. even if you think you can't possibly believe in such things - just test Him and see. Talk to Him, ask Him to show you who He is and what He thinks of you, and see if He doesn't respond.

You might be surprised at what He says. :)

Myspace? What's that?

I used to blog on Myspace. It was kinda just a rant for the most part, cause I was pretty depressed.

Not anymore, baby. Not anymore.

I found this on the old blog though, and I thought I'd share. It's a little cheesy but I think you can understand the heart of what I was trying to say. :)

A Winter Poem

Trapped in an icy shell, words fail, truth remains.
A life lived in protection of all that really matters.. is it enough?
Never before have I been as strong in the face of this fear.
As phoenix, it lives again though I thought it dead and gone.
As tsunami, washing over me when I feel my strongest, eroding foundations.
Or so it does appear-
When water recedes, truth remains, foundation revealed to be as strong, as solid,
As ever before.
Nothing can take from me what it is that shapes me,
What it is that sustains me.
Rejection, seclusion, poverty, disgrace,
All are nothing! All will fall.
Hope as a light remains in my soul, in my being.
Walked over, ignored, passed over for something better,
Something stronger,
Something more.
As it was before, tears fall.
As it was before, strength never before recognized rose from ashes.
As it is now.
Fear me, night!
I bring strength, I bring solidarity, to the lost and forgotten.
I pour out only what has flowed into me,
I mirror only what has been shown to me,
I become only what was shaped of me.
I am what I was designed to be,
Broken,
Flawed,
Qualified,
Complete.

Side Notes and Rabbit Trails

A friend texted me a quote recently that really stuck with me - "Would you rather suffer the pain of discipline or the pain of regret?"

I hate discipline. I'm not gonna lie. Discipline makes me put away my beloved sweets and get an apple instead. It makes me go running when I want to watch a movie and get up when I want to sleep. But after nearly 2 weeks of trying to be extra disciplined, and failing spectacularly, I'm learning that the pain of regret is a hell of a lot more poignant than the pain of discipline. You know. I'm sure we've all been there.

Except for all those perfect people. Thanks for setting the bar high, perfect people. I am short in stature and short on self-discipline and I cannot reach your standard.

On my own.

Dude, I love the guy who invented contacts so I can like, see people's faces and all, but seriously. There's a freakin plastic disk in my eye. I wonder what my opthamologist sees when she looks at my cornea. "You been ice skating on this thing, or what? I've seen fewer scratches on my 86 year old grandmother's Buick. Someone needs to take away her license."

Sometimes you can't make it on your own (borrowed your lyrics, Bono. You can have them back when I'm done). I think that's where not only the strength of our God comes in, but also where the strength of our community is awakened. And I use community in the sense of "a group with a common connection", not "people in the house across the street". Though they can be included if they want. There is such value in like-minded people joining together with a common focus. I've had so many conversations about things I've been struggling with even just over the last weekend and in each one, the person I spoke to had a different perspective, suggestion, or solution for me, one that I couldn't have come up with on my own.

I just googled "angry puppies".




Another benefit of community is plain old encouragement. Even if someone can't offer a solution, they can, and usually do, let you know that they are behind you no matter what. Who wouldn't want to get in on that?

I wonder what it's like to come back from the dead. Seriously. That's nuts.

I have an empty jar sitting on my desk. Until this morning, it held an item that was a memory of something that I really needed to let go of. I emptied it out earlier.. and though it was only symbolic, the act depicting the release of things I need to stop holding on to was... liberating. That empty jar is ready for new memories now. Or maybe M&Ms.

This is what you get when you Google "cutest bunny ever":



You're welcome.

The Tao Of Hugs

Hugs are magic. They have powers that a simple handshake does not have. Have you ever seen a girl throw herself into a guy's handshake? I think not.

There are many types of hugs. For your reading enjoyment, I've listed a few, with descriptions!

"Side Hug" - Appropriate for youth groups, opposite-sex pals, and group photos. You know the drill.. stand side to side with someone and put one arm around the other person's waist. I have the unfortunate habit of being what I call a "side-hug leaner" which means I always somehow end up with my head resting on the other person's shoulder. This can cause all sorts of awkwardness if not properly administered.

"Bear Hug" - Another friendly hug, both arms thrown around the other person in abandon. It's like joy embodied in an action. Works well for soldiers coming home from war or anyone stepping off of an airplane.

"Mama Bird Hug" - This is the one groups of girlfriends give each other. You kinda wrap your arms lightly around the other person like you're cradling an egg. You can add a shoulder pat if you want. The key is to be delicate.

"Bro Hug" - This one must be very carefully done in order to preserve the full measure of manliness of the person(s) giving the hug. One arm around the back at shoulder level, slap the back a time or two. Only lean in from the waist, and don't lean in too much.. this is very essential to giving a proper bro hug.

The "I've Got My Hands Full" hug - It's when you kinda prod someone with your elbow when they try to hug you, because you do want to hug them back but you've got your hands full. It still counts as a hug cause your heart is in it.

And of course, the "Bow Chicka Bow Wow Hug" - Definitely an opposite-sex type of hug. The girl's arms around the guys neck, the guy hugging the girls waist... and so on. WARNING: may lead to... other things. Use with caution.

I suggest immediately locating someone and trying out a hug on them. It's therapeutic. I'm pretty sure hugs cause rainbows to show up and bunnies to hop by. Try it. You won't be disappointed..



Yes please!

Jesus Was Kinda A Zombie

Caught your attention with that title, did I?

I'm guessing 62% of the people reading this are amused and/or intrigued, 25% are offended, and 13% only clicked the link because it had a picture of a green bunny cookie.

Easily offended? Now is the time to go back to Facebook and play Jesusville.

Oops, too harsh. Sorry.

But not sorry at the same time. I'm sick to death of religion and people getting offended over everything, and people just going along with "the rules" because it's been done that way for the last 145 million years. It's time to shake it up, people.

Cliche alert! If you give what you always give, you're gonna get what you've always got. Got? Gotten? Eh, grammar. Point: I'm done with "getting what I've always got"! I want more!

I'm not in the business of angering people on purpose. But if you get angry at me because I'm trying to push you out of your comfort zone, or because you've formed an opinion of me that's not based on facts, or because you're threatened by me, then I'm not feeling too sympathetic for you. Honestly, there's nothing to be threatened by. Come on.

I'm just coming into my own, is all. I'm finding my way apart from the influences that have stifled me for so long, and all you're seeing is a girl, unfettered.

Ranting aside, canned mushrooms: not worth the trouble. They kinda pop when you eat them. This makes me shudder.

But anyway, Jesus was kinda a zombie, right? He was dead for THREE DAYS before coming back. And he wants your soul (your MIND, will and emotions) = He wants your brain.

Oh, offended again? Sigh.

I think Jesus would think it's hilarious.

I kinda want to hang out with Jesus and see what he'd do if he lived in Springfield instead of Israel. I'm pretty sure some Skate World trips would be happening, and He would probably request that the DJ play Some Alicia Keys or Jay-Z. Probably edited though. I bet Jesus could bust a move on the rink. But he wouldn't be down with calling women the kinds of not-so-nice names they use in hip hop songs. Jesus would recognize a sick beat when He heard one, though. I also think Jesus might have a secret playlist of N*SYNC on his iPod. Just sayin.

We might hang out at a coffeeshop downtown and talk (anti-)religion and politics. We'd strike up conversations with stoners, hippies, and single moms. See what they are all about and show em a little love, Jesus-style. Heal some diseases, set some people free from addictions. Let them spread the word from there.

Then we'd hit Ring Of Fire for some Pad Thai. We'd take it out to the park and see who was hungry, and just keep serving bowlful after bowlful from that little paper carton. Miracles, holla!

Oh, my favorite: teaching Jesus how to use slang. "Word" - It means something completely different to a dude that wrote the Bible.

I just want to hang with Jesus, that's all. Really. I want to know what He was like as a regular joe, hanging out with the middle class, blue collar workers. I want to be one of those disciples. I want to be Mary, sitting at His feet and just listening to what He had to say.

I made Easter bunny cookies and decorated them like zombies. That's what sparked this whole blog. I made ninja bunnies as well. Here they are:



I also think that Jesus was kind of a ninja. But that's another blog.

Love, loss, and everything in between

I love running. I love pulling up my hair, putting in my headphones and only hearing my own breath, heartbeat, and footsteps in those few silent seconds between tracks. I love the exhilaration and the freedom of sailing past ponds and streams in the park in the summer, and in splashing through puddles on the streets while the rain falls on my face in the winter.

Running is freedom. Freedom that makes my lungs ache and my heart sing.

But I find that even though I love it, when I get out of the habit for some reason, it's so difficult to get back into it. This makes me wonder how I can say I really love something when I can set it aside so easily when it proves convenient.

The beauty of love is that if it is true, it does abide and remain in us though distractions may come. Of course, love comes in many forms, and the love I feel for running is not the same as the love I feel for my family, or for a romantic partner, or for my God.

No matter where life takes me, how far or near, good, bad, desperate, abundant, melodic or dissonant, my family and my God have never forsaken me. My love for them has not diminished or dimmed, and is reciprocated. In the case of God, it is more than reciprocated...it's poured out like a flood, all over me, surrounding me in my darkest nights and brightest days alike. More than I could ever hope to be able to love Him, He loves me. No matter what I do.

It's what gets me through, and keeps a smile on my face. Even through tears. Even when I'm afraid.

I've been thinking about loss a lot today... and remembering that I have a history of finding myself in an emotional slump when something I love is taken away, or when I dwell on it. I refuse to go there anymore, so I have to change my way of looking at it.

Here's something:
I can't lose what doesn't belong to me.

Life is temporary. How can we possibly believe that we can lay permanent claim to any of it? Friends come and go. Sometimes you, or someone you love, gets sick. Lovers leave you and get married to other people. Sometimes you make minimum wage, sometimes you are rolling in cash.

Regardless. REGARDLESS. There is no end to the faithfulness of my God.

And even if I lose what does belong to me, even down to the last penny, down to the last friend, possession, free moment, or healthy day, where does that leave me?

In the same place I was when I had everything. In the hands of a mighty God.

Some people would say that's not a safe place to be... look at the world around us and the suffering we see on a daily basis. The war, poverty, natural disasters. I can't explain why some people suffer, except that people make their choices, and our choices affect everyone around us. We cause ourselves to suffer sometimes, and sometimes others cause us to suffer.

The stupidity of man does not diminish the greatness of God. But sometimes it DOES give Him opportunity to step into an impossible situation and flex his muscles.

I know that life is not always going to go the way I wish it would. There are many things I wish had turned out differently than they did. Many decisions I wish I could reverse.

But I can still smile and look forward to what lies ahead, knowing that I can handle whatever comes. Life's good like that.

Fashion Evolution

I used to have a little.. shall we say, "problem" with fashion.

I HAD NO STYLE.



Some might say that I still have that problem.



Yes, that's a tutu I'm wearing.



My "space cowgirl" shirt.



Um...


But it's okay, since I'm evolving. I'm changing. I discovered the joys of flats and Alice Temperley and pageboy caps. My hair is a normal(ish) color.

And while I'm super excited to leave that red hair and pink cowboy hat in the past, I'm even more stoked that I've left behind the girl that lived inside those crazy outfits. Not all of her, just so many of the parts that needed to go. I've held on to the core of who I am, and been able to weed out many of the negative things about my personality that I needed to let go of.

Not in my strength. In His.

For example:

Major depression.
Deep insecurity.
Fear of being alone.
Resentment and jealousy of those who were in the places in their lives that I wanted to be.
Bitterness against people who've hurt me.

So, so wiped away. There is barely a trace remaining, really. It used to be my life, my everything.. the way I defined myself. Now it's a fading memory, a person that I can hardly believe used to be me.

Replaced by:

Hope that will not fade, no matter what seems to be going on around me.
Confidence in myself and who I'm becoming, but retaining a drive to better myself, not content to stay the same.
Peace in solitude.
Genuine happiness for those in "better" places than myself, and a revelation that I can truly be content where I am while still striving forward. A realization that we are all in certain places for certain reasons, and if we were all in the same place, it would get a little bit crowded.
Forgiveness.

That last one is huge... I've held on to hurt so many times, sometimes without even realizing it, that I've poisoned my soul with it, often..

It's amazing to be free. To love, unfettered, those who've hurt me. To accept forgiveness for the things I've done to others. To breathe in peacefully, not choked by tears of frustration and hurt.

It's ok to hurt sometimes. We are human and we have emotions for a reason. But it's not ok to drag it around forever.


I just re-read something that a friend wrote about me many years ago. He said I was "meekness with attitude".

I sure hope I didn't lose that. ;)

Regret, Schmegret.

The first line of this blog was originally "I have regrets."

But after having a sort of revelation the other day after hearing yet another song lyric, I decided that the phrase above isn't entirely true.

There are things in my life I would have done differently, for sure. Haven't we all been there? There's always some situation that happened, we just wish we could have a re-do on. Like when you're playing Super Mario on the NES and you enter the Game Genie code wrong... you hit "reset" and everything starts over, all mistakes washed away.

But what I realized is that regrets require maintenance.. they don't just have life on their own and continue to haunt you. You have to invest in them, give them thought and attention, for them to continue to exist.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets.

I don't have time to make myself sad about things I've done wrong, things I can't change. There is no point in being sad over something that's done, gone, finito.

I need my time for working out the present and the future. The past has taken enough of my time.

There are lessons to learn from the past, I agree. And for this reason alone, maybe it's good to analyze what went wrong. Not dwell, just objectively assess, decide what would have been a better choice, and move on.

And now it's time to set the bar higher.. and resolve that the present and future are not going to follow the same distorted pattern as the past.

No way.

Pride, Bananas, and Lip Injections

Have you ever asked God to break down your pride a little bit, make you more humble?

Oh boy, does He listen to that one closely...

All the little things I was placing my security in start to degrade. And all around me, the pride of others seems to inflate! Oh man, I'm feeling tiny.

But that's ok.. wasn't that the point? :)

A couple weeks ago I kept thinking, "What's going on here, why is it everyone's personal mission all of a sudden to try to 'put me in my place', especially when they are obviously not in a good place themselves, or when they barely know me?" And I remembered praying a little, fleeting, genuine prayer to God a month or so ago to "break away my pride".

"Oh yeeeahhhh.. he he he. about that one, God.... um, I actually meant, 'break down OTHER people's pride. yea, that's kinda what I meant."

Nope, not good enough. You asked, you got it.

I came to realize that when you ask for change, God can use anyone to accomplish His will in you - weak, strong, humble, proud, dictator, president, friend, enemy. Luckily I avoided the dictator one. But the validity of the change isn't negated because of the spirituality, or lack of it, in the ones God uses to help you change. Otherwise, how would He ever use me to help others? I'm not perfect either. It's a great system. Bump a few of those crazy imperfect humans around together for a while and they start to sharpen each other up.

Hmmm. No matter how few bananas I buy, or how determined that I will eat all of them before they go brown, one always turns bad on me. Every time. Banana bread!

While I will not pretend that it's fun to start to realize, and then start to lose, the sheer quantity of things in my life I was misguidedly trusting in (or finding my personal value and worth in), it is strangely refreshing to see them go, and also appropriate for this time in my life. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish this year, and it would be incredibly hard to do it while trying to hold a pile of unneeded things in my greedy little hands.

Something worthwhile to note is that when you ask God to diminish your pride, He doesn't leave you empty. We only THINK that we need that pride, and as it starts to leave, He fills the space with new dreams, with promises, and with more knowledge and revelation of who He is. The tiny little world we boxed ourselves into and held on to with all our might became a vast universe of possibilities when we let the box get cut away.

So, if diminishing your pride has been on your mind lately, go ahead and ask Him for help! It's kind of a constant process. It can be hard, yes, but really, aren't some things just worth fighting for?

And it doesn't happen overnight or last forever...kinda like collagen injections. You have to get them touched up every 3 months or so. But aren't the results worth it? ;)



Bucket list:

Hawaii. August. Surfing.


I hate blogs without pictures. So here's one:

Doesn't it make you relax, just looking at it? sigh.

Holy Hands, Batman!

I heard a song today on the radio that made me think.

(I don't normally listen to "Christian" radio, sorry, but I just don't. I was shamelessly trying to catch a peep of one of the radio spots for The Uprising Conference. No luck so far.)

It said "I raise up holy hands."

Anyone who's ever heard a worship song in their life probably instantly has the whole thing running in their heads right now, but it was that one part the really stuck with me. Holy hands.

A devotional I was reading today encouraged me to take a look at my hands, my feet, my physical body, and think about the ways it can be used to serve.

My hands don't look or feel particularly holy. In fact, they look kinda pale and scarred up. They've participated, along with the rest of my bad self, in things that do not even remotely resemble holiness.

But then again, I think that sometimes we tend to think of holiness as some angelic, zen state, a way of being so perfect and so wonderful that we are literally radiating goodness and everyone around us wants to bask in our warmth.

Example: Chelsey and John reading the Bible in Hawaii when they could have been out surfing. See the holiness literally radiating off of them?



Yea. Holy Spirit fall.

According to the Bible, to be holy is not to be surrounded by a creepy yellow ring of fire (thanks, Photoshop!). It's to be set apart, free from impurity, pure, innocent.

Alright, who isn't already innocent and pure?? We're done here. Time for a new subject.

The downside if this is that we are all lacking in innocence. Some more than others. *meaningful look*. I think we all feel at times the weight of our own impurity in the face of God.

But we don't have to.

The upside is this: simply put, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

Namely, Jesus. Sinless man became the embodiment of sin for all of us who have done wrong. We are the "righteousness" of God just by accepting the sacrifice made for us.

Righteousness: "integrity, virtue, purity of life, rightness, correctness of thinking, feeling, and acting."

Done, and done! My hands are holy indeed, no matter what they've seen in the past.

Just like yours. Let's go out and do something good, maybe even something sacrificial, for our fellow man today in honor of the sacrifice that was made to give us those holy hands.